Bottle of Long Trail Ale Solidifies Brother Status

With pledge term behind him, Jonah Adams ’14 headed over to SAE last night for some finals week pong. As a newly initiated brother, Adams confidently walked upstairs and secured a Long Trail Harvest Brown Ale from a ’13 friend. “Why drink Keystone when you don’t have to?” said Adams while pouring small amounts of his brew into cups for pong. “He just got downstairs and immediately got on table. I was like, no way!” said Daniel Jensen ’15, while waiting out a line of three. “But then I saw the fancy beer he was holding; dude’s a brother. Respect.” Sources report seeing Adams several hours later, emphatically holding the same bottle while talking to a group of female ‘15s, though he had “definitely emptied it during pong.”

Marching Band wakes up entire Campus

At 11:00 AM on the morning of the Princeton football game, Dartmouth students were arisen from their slumber by the horn section of Dartmouth’s esteemed marching band. Jeffrey Cohen ‘14 had fallen asleep at 5:30 AM after two games of harbor and several tequila shots, which he had “chased with high-fives.” Yet Cohen was thrilled to start his day with 40 loud instruments playing way too loudly outside his first floor Wheeler window. Surprisingly, Cohen was not seen at the football game later that day. A hungover Cohen assured the Dunyun that he would have been in attendance but he had to vomit, shower, and fall back to sleep.

Other Fraternities Kappatalize on AD, TDX, BG Probation

With the three fraternities that make up “the only circuit that matters” on probation for winter, other fraternities are looking to kappatalize by attracting new people to come over to hang out, play pong, and enjoy the snow. Harry Aht ’13 is hoping that his fraternity gets a much-needed influx of social kappatal after spending fall term literally knee-deep in ‘15s. To fully kappatalize, Phi Delt is temporarily changing its classic rock playlist to include more Katy Perry and LMFAO. Members of Panarchy believe the house can maintain its high level of kappatilization by also enjoying the snow.

Unopened Box of Condoms Haunts Freshman's Fall

Excited to begin a new, sexually active, phase of his life, Brian Houston ’15 purchased a box of Trojan Her Pleasure® condoms for freshman fall because, “it’s really about her, not me.” He placed the box in the drawer beside his bed, even removing the plastic wrapping for easier access. However, after only handful of dance floor makeouts, the box continues to sit untouched in his drawer, with the exception of two condoms used in an impromptu water balloon fight on his floor before he realized the cool kids lived in the Choates and not East Wheelock.

Houston cited several reasons for his lack of action this term; “I was really feeling out the scene and focusing on making friends. I’ve laid a ton of groundwork with girls for next term, especially with this cutie on my hall. As soon as she realized that freshman guys actually have a lot to offer, I'm in, literally.” When asked, Houston rebuffed the idea that he was too ambitious and maybe should’ve started with the 3-pack.

'14 Bumps Freshmen off Table Because He Can

Despite being a member of TriKap for two months, Nick Meyer ’14 still felt a rush of adrenaline when bumping a pair of freshmen off table simply because he could. The freshmen, who had waited out a line of four, looked disheartened but accepted their fate as they left their fully racked tree and walked out of the basement. Meyer then searched for a partner but drew little interest since every other brother in the sparsely populated basement was either playing or had next, with some also looking for a partner. After thirty minutes, Meyer was able to start his game after “his boy” made it over from Topliff.

Two Months of Putting up with Shit Rewarded with Formal Invite

After a two-month on-again off-again “relationship,” Annie McCoy ‘15 patience was finally rewarded with an invitation to Bones Gate formal by Phillip Weaver ‘14. A good time was had by all, despite Weaver making his date wait outside his door while he and his friends “got ready” beforehand, claiming “you never know who is undercover HPO these days”, and not letting her sleep over because “the BG dog gets really cold and shivery without blankets.”

Like all couples, Weaver and McCoy had their ups and downs, including Weaver “maybe” hooking up with two other girls, the couple rarely communicating and not going on dates other than breakfast at the Hop. However, McCoy saw formal as a turning point; “It was so so so much fun, I got this awesome dress at Bella and we looked so cute together. I also met a ton of girls in KDE and APhi who were so excited to meet me and weren’t at all annoyed by how drunk I was. Phillip is just so sweet.” Proof of this formal date can be seen in McCoy’s 140-picture Facebook album entitled 4MAL!!!

Still No Specifics Set for Tentative Lunch Date

Despite over thirty passing discussions that “We should totally grab lunch some time” and “Oh my God yes, I’ll blitz you as soon as I finish all the stuff I have going on this week”, no specifics have been set for the lunch date between Marissa Harrison ’13 and Katie Parnell ’13. The estranged freshmen floormates regularly saw each other in Collis, at the Gym and in their 10A, but have failed to outline the specifics for the lunch. Harrison lamented: “She’s such a nice girl and I love her but we’re both so busy, it’s hard to find a time that works.” Harrison declined to comment on whether she or Parnell had made any attempt to find this elusive time that works or whether or not hundreds of other tentative lunch dates were getting in the way.

President Kim Announces New Mascot: the Dartmouth Aires

Thanks to the administration’s help, the Dartmouth Aires finished 2^nd in NBC’s “The Sing-Off” last night. In a bold move, President Kim has made the Dartmouth Aires the official mascot of Dartmouth. This decision comes on the heels of unprecedented popularity for the all-male a cappella group who were the real winners of the Sing-Off last night (shit was rigged).

‘15s Celebrate Annual Turkey Drop

Today is Thanksgiving: that time every year when freshmen realize that their girlfriends and boyfriends from home are just not worth the effort. They have become the romantic equivalent of waiting 30 minutes in the Hop line only to find that they don’t have shelled eggs. They used to have shelled eggs, and it was awesome. But now those eggs are gone, and you’re only left with the line. Thanksgiving is when freshmen finally leave the fucking line.

Many ‘15s who “wanted to try the long-distance thing” and were “the exception to the rule” will finally throw in the towel and end it with their boyfriend/girlfriend/we’re-broken-up-but-still-talk-everyday-and-hookup-a lot-and-are-basically-a-couple from home.

Campus Bros Starting to Feel Uncomfortable with how much they Like The Sing Off

Seven weeks into the show’s run, the Dartmouth Aires have captivated campus with their performance on NBC’s “The Sing Off.” However, this enthusiasm has caused self-proclaimed bros across campus to question whether or not they have surpassed the acceptable level of excitement over a televised a capella competition.

When a crowd of Phi Delts were asked last night about watching The Sing Off, they nervously replied that the Monday Night Football game was “on a commercial break” and “was going to be a complete blowout anyways.”

When interviewed further, Patrick Schwartz ’13, claimed, “It was pretty random. Forty guys just showed up at the house and we didn’t have anything to do so we decided to watch The Sing Off. Wouldn’t it be weird if we had planned it? What is this Sig Ep?”

Novack Futilely Maintains that King Arthur Flour is their Rival

Despite being vastly outmatched in food quality, service, and facetime by King Arthur Flour, Novack Café still insists that they are a “competitor” with whom the KAF Café “splits clientele.”

Ever since KAF opened last spring, students have slowly veered away from the straight, no-frills, Keystone-Light-of-coffee from Novack and towards the delicious, Keystone-Light-in-an-orange-can-of-coffee from the KAF.

Occupy Dartmouth Protesters, Upset with ‘15s Inactivity Decide to Touch Fire

The rhythmic chopping of Mass General’s Medical Evacuation Helicopter could be heard over Hanover late Saturday evening.  On a night historically featuring arrests and hospitalizations of wayward freshman attempting to dispel allegations of “being the worst class ever,” this year’s Homecoming featured a novel twist.  The newest additions to the ICU: Burn Division were not slightly charred ‘15s, but rather three members of the highly ambiguous and increasingly irrelevant ‘Occupy Dartmouth’ protest.

When interviewed early Saturday morning under hospital arrest, gruesome burn victim and Occupy Dartmouth chief organizer Chase Flannels claimed the move was made to, “fight the rising inactivity of the freshman class.”  “No one was touching the fire, they needed to see what real action was,” Flannels flubbed in a morphine haze.  “In a world where passivity and complacent right wing ignorance dominate, corporate oppression is the only winner, man.”  The ambiguity of Flannels’ uncomfortably general statement has left Dartmouth’s intellectual community overwhelmingly ambivalent toward the protests.

Ban on Public Hazing Means Brothers Have no Clue who their Pledges are Anymore

A recent GLOS directive has banned all public hazing "because it's illegal,” and thrown the whole fraternity system into turmoil. Unable to tell which pledges are their own, upperclassmen have been committing random acts of hazing around campus.

Members of several fraternities are frustrated that they now have to “actually learn who these pledges are” and can no longer “just ask the bro in the cut-offs to wait in the King Arthur Flour line for me.”

Football Team Really Pissed They Had Such High Expectations This Year

After a disappointing 1-4 start, the Dartmouth football team and its supporters are all really pissed. The anger is not directed at the poor performance of the team, but rather the fact that they had actually convinced themselves that this was going to be the year.

Coach Bucky Stevens took partial responsibility, “I feel like I’ve let our boys down. I never should’ve let them get their hopes up like this and I blame myself. We’re Dartmouth football, we’re proud of it, and we should never let ourselves forget who we are with unrealistic expectations like winning. ”

‘The 99%’ Protests 1% of Dartmouth’s Guys Getting all the Hot Girls

A group of Dartmouth males, calling themselves ‘the 99 percent,’ has gathered outside The Hop (grill, not arts center) for the past week to “Occupy Dartmouth” in response to, as one protestor put it, “the gross inequality between the number of hot girls pulled by the ‘1%’ of Dartmouth males verses the other 99%, who are regularly shut out of hookups by the hottest Dartmouth females.”

A spokesman for Occupy Dartmouth attempted to sum up the goals of the group, “This is for all the ‘nice’ guys. The guys who watched that cute girl on their freshman floor hook up with that upperclassman. The guys who are tired of feeling like we’re a second option. We are the 99%.”

’15 Convinces Girl that Rocky Bathroom is one of the Dartmouth Seven

Ready to seal the deal and “break his Dartmouth cherry,” Alex Davis ’15 left frat row Saturday with Miley Carter ’15. Upon reaching his Russell Sage triple, Davis was disappointed to find his roommate already back and “playing fucking Fifa.” Carter called her room a no go because her roommate “has a midterm Wednesday and has been holed up in there for the past week.”

Davis quickly proceeded to suggest that the two of them embark on one of the Dartmouth Seven. “I didn’t want Miley to ever have the chance to ‘just want to go to sleep’,” said Davis. “ So I just rolled with it from there.”

Most Hated ’13 from Pledge Class Coincidentally Most Excited to Haze ‘14s

Mark Hanson ’13 had a rough pledge term a year ago. Widely considered the most disliked member of the Theta Delta Chi pledge class, he was routinely singled out to fetch meals for brothers, drink until he passed out before 9 PM, and leave class to move his pledge trainer’s laundry to the dryer, lest it form mildew.

However, having made it through pledge term, Hanson excitedly changed his D-plan in order to “Show the ‘14s what pledge term is all about.”

Game Theory Professor asks Student ‘What Grade he thinks he Deserves' on Assignment

Larry Jones ’12 was asked by his game theory professor “what grade he thought he deserved” before assigning a grade to his first paper. “It was a total mindfuck," said Jones, "What does he want me to say? What is he thinking? What if I say ‘A’? I think it’s my dominant strategy, but what if he thinks it’s worse so he counts off for that too? Maybe this is the point of the whole assignment? It's like game theory or something.”

New Sorority Sister “Actually Not a Bitch”

Shelley Keller ’14 was so excited to become a part of Kappa aka “the best sisterhood ever” aka “11FinallyImInASorority.” However, she was shocked to learn that Hannah Lee ’14 aka “that raging bitch from my freshman floor” was to be her new sister.

But after an evening of giggling, jungle juice, and debating just how badly KDE/TriDelt lost rush, Lee and Keller were “like seriously, best friends.” In an interview with the Dunyun, Keller insists that she judged Lee unfairly for screaming in the hallway at 4 AM and asking Keller if she “really needed that second fro-yo?”

Going on FSP Makes Mundane Details of Girl’s Life Deserving of Blog

Before heading off to Europe for her fall foreign study program, Melinda Grayson ’13 realized that all of her friends, family, Facebook friends, and even sorority sisters would be extremely interested in her experience. To share her experience, as well as keen cultural insights that only she could provide, Grayson decided to start a blog.

“It’s just so interesting. It’s like my life at Dartmouth but I’m in Europe!” Grayson told the Dunyun, “I’d imagine all my friends are reading. It isn’t like I’m doing something normal, I’m traveling around Europe!”

Confused ’14 Spends Whole Night Man-flirting With Other ‘14

Excited for an evening of low-key pong before rush, Owen Jacobs ’14 headed over to AD to meet his friend Steve-From-Class-Council who “is roommates with the social chair, I think.” After holding his own with a sink and two hits in the first game, Jacobs went in for a post-game handshake and complimented his opponent, Kyle Craver ’14, on his “dirty spin serve.”

At this point, Jacobs wanted to meet more ADs and insisted on playing with Craver. Despite bewildered glances from the brothers, Jacobs assumed Craver was a brother based on pong ability and his confident, laid back demeanor.

Reds Batch Renamed ‘Oranges’ after one Brother Takes it too Far”

For the first time since the drink’s creation, a batch of the popular Phi Delt drink Reds had to be renamed when it failed to achieve its namesake color. The batch became “Oranges” when a Phi Delt brother added too much of what he referred to as “a crucial ingredient.”

Ryan “Schmitty” Schmidt ’12, the brother in question, explained the mistake that led to the discoloration, “I was making reds in the brothers’ room and the batch was almost done. I was in charge of topping it off with the secret ingredient, adding some spice. I’d had a lot to drink and I didn’t realize how much I was adding. Guys kept telling me to stop but by the time I did it was too late.”

Group of ‘14s to start Big Green Beets

Continuing the recent trend of entrepreneurship on campus, a group of eight ‘14s have recently founded Big Green Beets, a delivery service to accommodate Dartmouth’s ever growing demand for organic beets. The company will deliver beets to any room on campus, following the same business plan as wildly successful companies like DartmouthGuard and Big Green Noodles.

RWIT Introduces ‘TSUDY’ Initiative

Yesterday, the Student Center for Research, Writing and Information Technology, or “RWIT,” extended their streak of relevant and astute acronyms by introducing their new “TSUDY” program.

“TSUDY” stands for Taking notes, Studying, and Understanding: from Dartmouth to You. Its goal is to educate students on effective methods of learning but the real story is the acronym itself. With TSUDY, RWIT has solidified its status as campus wordsmiths.

1-on-1 Sequoia Game Allows Players to Tell People that they Played 1-on-1 Sequoia for Remainder of Day

With no other options of what to do on the Sunday afternoon before classes start, Andrew Kartsonis ’13 and Jon Harris ’13 made the logical decision to rack up and play a game of 1-on-1 sequoia in the basement of Alpha Delta fraternity. While the reason for playing the game on a Sunday afternoon was initially in question, it became painfully clear to those who encountered either player that the sole motivation was to later tell people of their 1-on-1 sequoia game.

Harris discussed the game while eating what appeared to be his 3rd order of mozz sticks in Foco*, “It was close, like half-half. I don’t even remember who won, but that’s understandable because I did play 1-on-1 sequoia earlier which is probably like 10 beers. It was just us playing too, one-on-one, because no one else wanted to start drinking so early on a Sunday. People are so soft.”

Dartmouth Officials Push For Play-Off System in Lieu of U.S. News Rankings

Ostensibly due to displeasure with Dartmouth's recent fall in U.S. News' rankings of National Universities, College officials are pushing to create a play-off system to replace the computer generated rankings. In a statement released yesterday, President Kim expressed his frustration with U.S. News, stating, "For U.S. News to believe that a computer can measure the merits of each school is preposterous. We must adopt a play-off system. That's the only feasible way to ensure an accurate final ranking. Give these institutions a chance."

Study Shows High Correlation Between Morning-After Blitzes and Sex the Night Before

A study released today by the Department for Women and Gender Studies and the computer help desk showed a strong correlation between receiving or sending morning-after blitzes and having had sex the night before.

“The origins of the morning-after blitz have been ambiguous for too long”, according to Marjorie Meyer, a WGST professor. “We’ve answered the question, if you’re getting a morning after blitz, there’s a good chance you had sex last night.”

G45: Bike and Hike Shares Inside Joke, Becomes Best Trip Ever

Last week, the funniest thing happened during G45: Bike and Hike. I would try to explain it to you but you’d never understand. Oh My God it was hilarious though. Needless to say, it allowed G45 to forge relationships more stable than the ones they have yet to end with their long distance girlfriends.

“It was a had-to-be-there moment,” said Johnny Kalin ‘15. “Just between me and the best fucking trip ever. And this girl Annie I met at the Lodge. What a cutie.”

Annie Guerra ’15 was going to tell him that every trip found a Canadian Groundfruit, “but why ruin his fun?”

Students Start ‘Big Green Noodles, LLC’

“Students Start ‘Big Green Noodles, LLC’”

Like nearly all Dartmouth students, Bryan Yu was fed up with the lack of authentic ramen noodles in the Upper Valley. Because of this constant dark mark on Dartmouth’s dining scene, he and three other ‘13s started “Big Green Noodles, LLC.” Yu told the Dunyun, “Dartmouth students won’t stand for the cheap ramen sold at Topside, CVS, the Coop or Wal-Mart. What do you want more after a hard day in the library than to get back to your dorm, go to the kitchen, boil some water, and then enjoy some authentic, delicious ramen.” What’s better, Big Green Noodles offers these noodles at an affordable $2.25 per pack, operating on razor thin margins.

Details on ordering authentic ramen at a low, low price can be found here www.biggreennoodles.com or here www.amazon.com.

15's Brother was an '09, No on Cares

Jacob Millinger ’15 arrived for his Section A trip excited to follow in the footsteps of his brother Ethan, an ’09. Jacob explained, “My brother was a pretty big deal on campus. He did a bunch of clubs, was in a frat, you know, all the important stuff. It’ll just be nice to go somewhere where people already know something like that about me.”

Unfortunately, the presence of Ethan Millinger’s brother on campus failed to impress upperclassmen as much as Jacob expected. Even HCroo members, known for their excitement over even mundane things, could only muster a tepid smile combined with a “Ya, maybe”, when he proclaimed, “I’m Jacobs. My brother, Ethan, was an ’09. You probably know him.” However, Millinger did set up a tentative pong date with his “hot trippee” by subtly mentioning, “My brother was an SAE and they all love him there. I could definitely get us on table when we get back.”

At press time, Millinger wasn’t sure “which one SAE is.”

Frisbee Team Drops "Ultimate" from Name

The name change is not expected to decrease the number of annoying people on the green on a nice day.  

The Senior Dunyun

Things I’m Most Going to Miss Making Fun of at Dartmouth

Making fun of shit is my go-to respite from the desperate futility of trying to take anything about my life seriously at this school. College is all about relishing the last few years we have not to take things seriously, which is why my #1 favorite thing to make fun of is anything and everything onto which we place an unwarranted sense of importance.

Luckily for me, Dartmouth abounds with faux importance.  First, I’m going to miss all those fratstars who love comparing their fraternity’s pledge term to boot camp training in the actual military, where soldiers are training for actual life-or-death situations, and where learning how to pull your trigger is a high-stakes lesson instead of a way to figure out how to waste even more social money on beer. I’m also going to miss the sororitystars (aka biddypros) who pose for pictures (usually muploads) while falling all over each other as if their own cuteness makes them incapable of holding up their own body weight.

I’m going to miss Jack Stinson, and especially that eyebrow raise he gave me whenever I looked halfway decent, and that glassy-eyed twinkle that accompanied his not-so-subtle come-ons of “Lookin’ good!” and “I have a social chair jacket for you.” Speaking of social chair jackets, I’m going to miss all those almost-baseless myths about Dartmouth, like that those jackets actually exist, or that JD Salinger frequented our library, or that Panarchy makes crack in the basement, or that Jim Kim owns five IPads, four IPhones, three Blackberrys, and two Macbook pros, or that drinking beer out of another dude’s asshole doesn’t make you gay, or that every single non-dining Hanover business besides (including?) Stinson’s is a drug front (WHO SHOPS AT MICHAEL’S AUDIO-VIDEO AND/OR VON BARGEN’S?).

I’m going to miss all the servers at the Hanover restaurants who treat me as if my very presence is an unwanted and inconvenient burden, and who quite literally scoff at me when I ask for a glass of water. To all of you servers and cashiers out there who are brave enough to unabashedly hate your job and all of your customers, I salute you for being yourselves and humbling the fuck out of me.  When I lived in the South, I used to only get the eye-roll from movie theater cashiers when I ordered a side cup of nacho cheese to go with my popcorn (direct quote from my Dad: “We’re gonna have to roll you to high school!”) and the Dairy Queen workers when I paid for my Blizzard with pennies while walking through the drive-thru. But now I see that I am always ruining someone’s day just by walking into an establishment, and that’s a lesson that all of us—especially the Sun God—should learn.

I’m going to miss making fun of the Sun God, the epitome of taking oneself too seriously while being all-around terrible and laughable. I’m going to miss using the phrase “I know brothers” in every situation, like taking an ENGS class and having access to free Thayer printing at 3 in the morning, or knowing how to get a JoYo in the new FoCo. I’m going to miss making fun of freshmen who think saying shit like that grants them access into a sacred club, as if dumb slang defines Dartmouth. I’m going to miss making fun of freshmen in general, because I hate them for having everything in front of them and not even knowing what embarrassingly incredible opportunities they have ahead of them for learning to laugh at themselves.

Finally, I would like to take credit for the song “Out of Control.” Not because I actually wrote it, but because it is certain to be forever legendary if only for being the only secret at Dartmouth that has remained a secret. Whereas my legend will fade faster than gossip about the Kappa Klepto (she’ll pull your credit card right out of you from any hole).

So long, Da Mouth. It’s been real being so fake with you.

Kathleen Mayer aka Frannie Mays '11

Four years have given me a lot to make fun of. When the Sun God came, everybody else was sad. I was thrilled: fresh material. 

I’m going to miss feeling disgruntled every time I see a Frisbee fly across the Green. For the last time, it’s a pedestrian zone and not a sporting arena. 

See, in the real world, I can’t make fun of Croo or crew. Nobody but a Dartmouth person can understand how facetimey it is to keep your hair dyed for too long during Orientation. And why do people join the crew team just to punish themselves for a year and then quit immediately following rush? 

When I first meet my co-workers, the quickest way to win their approval will not be an unexpected “Fuck Psi U/Theta Delt!” (I list both of them because while they are interchangeable to the general public, you have to make sure that you say “Fuck Theta Delt!” if you’re talking to a Psi U, and vice versa. I hate screwing that one up.) 

I’m going to miss BG, the GGMM, and everybody else who can tell you the difference between “postmodern” and “meta”. 

Collis will one day turn into a giant block of tofu. The building will be closed because everybody knows that tofu is not structurally sound. 

I never touched the fire. 

I’m going to miss pondering the meaning of life while staring at the one vending machine in Novack that sells sandwiches guaranteed to give you food poisoning. 

Yelling, “Stop! Thief!” whenever somebody sets off the beepers in the library will never get old. 

If people continue making hand motions to indicate their secret society affiliations in Facebook pictures, I will have material to last me well into my alum years. 

I don’t think there are any secret virgins or secret deaf people in the real world. But then again, they are secret for a reason. It still confuses me why they choose to congregate in East Wheelock. 

I’m going to miss making fun of forums. 

If I overhear(d) something hilarious on the subway, can I still blitz that in to The Mirror?

In the real world, sometimes the football team makes it to the postseason. 

I’m going to miss getting passive-aggressive comments from the grill workers at the Hop and FoCo whenever I order something too labor-intensive. 

A Dartmouth parking ticket costs the same as an eighth of weed. A utilitarian would wonder why so many stoners get so many parking tickets. 

Jim Gusanoz dressed up as Rob Zombie for Halloween. Still gets me. By the way, Boloco takes itself too seriously. 

If I ever see a sign in the real world that says “Baby Changing Station,” I’m immediately going to rip off the letter ‘c’. 

When I was a freshman, nobody called Sig Nu “The Noodle”. I’m glad we added that to the lexicon. 

I’m going to miss making fun of so many things at Dartmouth. 

- Tom Mandel aka James Engle ‘11

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #9: Saying Hi to Abstract Concepts

Dartmouth people use ‘Sup’ and ‘Oh Hey’ the way Twitter uses hash-tags. Common lines like “I am wasted right now” have evolved into “I am wasted right now. Oh hey alcohol.”

This has been an inexplicable development in a Dartmouth dialect previously famous for “blitz,” “pong,” and “foco de chao” (tell your friends).

These arbitrary hellos are perfect for when you want to disguise your self-call as a clever joke. Got a good grade on your econ exam? Try: “Can’t believe I got an A. Sup curves.”

America Ends War on Drugs in Response to 14's Column in the D

In a swift departure from a decades long policy, president Barack Obama announced yesterday a full and immediate end to the war on drugs. Although the reason for the sudden reversal of attitudes wasn’t initially clear, Mr. Obama pointed to what changed his mind and the minds of politicians across America: an editorial by a ’14 in Monday’s issue of The Dartmouth.

Mr. Obama praised the ’14 for his well-reasoned argument, “Every morning I pick up the D, the obvious pick for opinion articles about things other than Dartmouth College. This scholar just made such bold assertions like ‘the war is not succeeding.’ How can you say no to that?”

Bobby Rush Gives Political Incorrectness on Campus a Great Fallback

This past weekend saw many musical acts come to Hanover. There were jam bands and notable rappers and cover bands and DJs. There was also Bobby Rush, the 75-year-old R&B singer who put on the most politically incorrect show Dartmouth has ever seen (citation pending). Prior to Rush’s show, which included three dancers whose sole purpose was apparently to shake their behinds, political correctness had been relative in Hanover. Now everybody knows that Bobby Rush is a 100 on the scale, with everybody that I hate on this campus at the 0 end. And anything that anyone could possibly do would have to be less than 100 on the scale.

Students Inexplicably Forget About Lodge During Room Draw

Much to everybody’s surprise, room draw ended with housing still available in the Lodge. Generally considered to be a top-tier housing option, the large, full-bathed suites of the Lodge were overlooked in favor of the Fayerweathers or Mass Row.

But don’t expect this oversight to last long.

Upperclassmen are shocked that rising sophomores forgot this housing gem. “I remember last year I had the 53^rd pick of my class and prayed for a Lodge room,” said Justin Armstrong ’13. He currently lives in Lodge 27. “I’m moving to Hitchcock next year. Do you have any idea how far that is from Jewel of India? Fuck me.”

Students Excited for No Line Thursday at Foco

After a term of long lines, limited selection and long lines, students are looking forward to a day of relief this Thursday. Instead of waiting fifteen minutes for a sandwich and ten minutes to check out, students can breeze through, courtesy of the first ever foco no line day.

DDS and a group of enthused students teamed up to organize the first ever no-line day at the new dining facility to combat student frustration over excessive wait times in Foco and to help students get the most out of their meal plan.

Get the Fuck off my Campus: Frisbee Players on the Green

What, you couldn’t toss at the BEMA? You know it’s empty. More importantly, it’s where I am not.

*this segment inspired by Barstool NY's "Get the Fuck out of My City". 

Green Team Blitzes Officially Replace TGIAF

By this point, half the school has been trained for Green Team. The members of Green Team are diverse, as well, spanning all stretches of campus. So a cultural shift was made. TGIAF was slowly phased out, and Green Team blitzes started being campus’s digest of party blitzes. 

“Oh, it’s great,” said Laura Tisch ’12. “There are so many party blitzes, and with TGIAF gone, I had no choice but to read all of them to know what was going on in a night. Then I got trained by Green Team and got on the blitz list. Now I get one comprehensive list of parties that are going on this weekend.”

Students Really Confused What to Do Between Fall and Winter Terms

Winter break has always been really long. Like, really long. That monster’s a solid month. You can forget you’re enrolled in college over that break. You consider taking a job. You travel all the way around the world and then beat “Call of Duty” in the time that Dartmouth already gave us for winter break. Now students have literally no idea how they’re going to fill the time. 

“I feel like I’m just bookending a large amount of time with eating,” said one female member of the Class of 2012. “I stuff my face for Thanksgiving, then I wait. I wait some more, and then I stuff my face at Christmas. Maybe I should go on an eating tour of America. Stop by Wisconsin for some cheese. Hershey, Pennsylvania. Ooh, I should start writing this down.”

Liking Facebook Page as Far as Students will go to Protest Administration"

In response to the new all-you-can-eat meal plan structure at the new Class of 1953 Commons, students from all over campus have banded together to fight the proposed changes. In addition to creating a Facebook page against the new meal plan with over 1000 “likes,” hundreds of students have, wait no, they haven’t really done anything else.

Jim Kim Changes Profile Pic to Derby Photo

After months of dipping approval ratings, President Kim made a bold attempt to reconnect with the student body this weekend. Giving up on facetime at poorly attended sporting events and forums, Kim headed to the annual KDE derby party with only one goal: the ultimate derby profile picture.

The plan was weeks in the making Kim’s intern explained, “He was really struggling. The picture with his kids is so played out and their cuteness has definitely dropped off in the past two years. People expect more of a man with over 1500 friends. He needed something fresh and exclusive.”

President Kim spent all week picking out the perfect outfit, a seersucker jacket with a pastel button down, Vineyard Vine pants and a bow tie, coming to $1200, on the company card of course. Saturday afternoon he sauntered across the street and was nearly turned away until a KDE '13 and future president's intern vouched for him as a visiting friend.

“Midterms Week” Magically Lasts Eight Weeks

Space-time has collapsed and we’re living in an alternate universe. That has to be the answer. That’s the only way that this phenomenon could exist: “Midterms Week” seems to last for eight or so weeks, because I could swear I’ve been hearing people talk about how they “just have to get over the hump of Midterm Week” or how they “just finished midterms and have to play harbor @ now” for four weeks now and I’m pretty sure I’ll hear it for four more. 

Enthusiasm for Conan Only a Slight Slap in the Face to Previous Commencement Speakers

The excitement for Conan O’Brien’s recently announced commencement address is palpable. Around campus yesterday, seniors responded to the news with fist-pumps and high-fives while relatives of the soon-to-be graduates were relieved to hear that they would not fall asleep during this year’s ceremony. And everybody’s trying really hard to hide their enthusiasm from other recent commencement speakers, such as Canadian AIDS-fighter and Jim Kim butt-buddy Stephen Henry Lewis, author Louise Erdrich, and Liberian President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf. 

“I almost said, ‘Finally!’ to one of them,” College President Jim Yong Kim said in an interview with The Dunyun. “I was just chatting with Stephen, you know, just about everyday shit, and he asked who the speaker was gonna be. I lowered my voice really low when I said ‘Conan O’Brien’ so that he wouldn’t realize how much more excited everybody is about this.”

Beta Kicks Off PRIDE Week with Sunday Night Bash

Last Sunday, campus joined Beta in a dirty, awkward, but oh so sweet one-night stand with America.

Beta held a bonfire/party to demonstrate their solidarity with the LGBT community and welcome in PRIDE week at Dartmouth. Hundreds of students dropped their books to flock to the Beta front lawn for a merry sing along around the fire, followed by shirtless dancing and country music.

Stinson’s to Enter New Market

After decades of selling beer, wine, and tobacco, Stinson’s Village Store has decided to expand its inventory. Although nobody would be foolish enough to question Jack Stinson, some observers have wondered why he believes there is such a demand in Hanover for whipped cream and alternative means of smoking tobacco. 

“The kids seem to love whipped cream,” Stinson said in an interview with The Dunyun. “And not just any whipped cream. None of this Miracle-Whip bullshit. The kids seem to love fresh whipped cream.”

Fashion Report: Penis-Sleeves

Every spring, warm temperatures allow female students to ditch their winter coats in favor of more revealing clothing options. It's a sight that brings a smile to the face of every blue-blooded son of old Dartmouth.

This year, campus men have responded in kind. Males everywhere are beginning to shed their clothes in favor of light, breathable penis-sleeves.

One could think of a penis-sleeve (or PS) as sort of like a sock except it's form fitting and on the penis.

Freshman Girl Sick of Being Corrected on Blitz

Hannah Olfred ’14 has had a good year so far. She’s done well with her classes, made lasting friendships, and feels good about her prospects for rush in the fall. Unfortunately, she has a problem. Olfred keeps getting corrected on blitz by the men she’s been involved with. 

“It started with this one senior, [name redacted],” Olfred said in an interview with The Dunyun. “He kept telling me to quote. To highlight. I didn’t know what that means. I still don’t know what that means. But can’t we have a conversation without him correcting me? It’s rude.”

Olfred has “flitzed” with three seniors, seven juniors, and eight sophomore men over the course of the year. Not a single one of them has managed to ignore her repeated blitz faux-pas. 

Dartmouth Student Criminal Totally Doesn’t Deserve to Have Her Name Printed in The D

Following the recent apprehension of one of Dartmouth’s most meme-worthy fugitives (no, not the Cuddler), students around campus have been protesting The Dartmouth’s decision to publish the name of the student (cough mozzarella cough), even though they didn’t provide us with other juicy details that we really wanted. 

“I can’t believe they published the name!” said one member of the Class of 2011. “Typical D. But why couldn’t they print the amount of money that it was? Is this going to be a felony? I already knew her name. I want more.”

The Dartmouth defends its decisions to print student names related to criminal cases with the fact that these names are already part of the public record, even if they haven’t been as publicized in this media bubble. 

Admissions Office Limits Today’s Campus Tours to Mediocre Students

Undergraduate Admissions director Mary Donovan announced today that all campus tours will include only students who probably will not gain admission into Dartmouth anyway. This measure has been introduced in an effort to to acknowledge the futility of standing in the midst of falling snow in late April and telling people they should choose to live this miserable life for four long years.

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

We're taking a break from The Dunyun today, folks.

But we thought we'd leave you with one final question to ponder:

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

- The Dunyun

Ludlow Lost

Well, Ben Ludlow lost. It’s a sad day for anybody who loves America and is friends with Jim Gusanoz. The write-in campaign never really got off the ground, but that’s OK. We sincerely hope that next year’s SA Administration reach out to Ludlow and his supporters in order to better enact the changes that Dartmouth needs. 

Despite the fact that the Dartmouth student body is dumb and elected not-Ludlow, Ben plans to organize a bus to head down to Bonnaroo to “just hang out.” He also pledges to revive the “Tubestock” tradition, although nobody has any idea how he’s going to do that from off-campus.

Admissions Department Pushes for Transparency, Bans Croo Disguises

With the administration and SA candidates not named Ben Ludlow pushing for more transparency in the administrative process, the admissions department has followed suit. According to Dean of Admissions Maria Laskaris, members of this weekend’s Dimensions Croo will be banned from impersonating prospies.

“We want to include ‘15s in the decision making process,” said Laskaris. “But they can’t without easy and accurate access to information. Having 14’s go behind their backs by hiding their true motivations sends the message that we don’t care about ‘15s input. And we do. I swear.”

A committee of ‘15s will be formed to meet with Croo leaders and discuss what they want Dimensions to include.

College to Use “Racism Tax” to Solve Budget Crisis

Dartmouth’s always looking for a way to make a few extra bucks. For all the extra money we get, that’s one more kid we can give financial aid or one more sorority house we can build. The list goes on and on. The College has recently unveiled a new plan to make money, and it’s turning some heads. Dartmouth has officially endorsed the Indian mascot, and will issue a “racism tax” for all apparel sold that features the Indian. Half of this money will go towards the general budget, and the other half will be sent to NAD and the NAS Department. So…

Ben Ludlow for SA President

In order to create mischief in the political process, The Dunyun is now announcing its endorsement of Ben Ludlow ‘12 for SA President as a write-in, with Brian Holekamp ‘12 on the ticket for Vice President. Ludlow is part of the Dirty Bird party, and plans to run under the campaign slogan, “CHOOOOOse Ludlow”, part of his “Derpin’” campaign. 

There are many reasons why Ben Ludlow is the perfect candidate. For one thing, he doesn’t care at all about Student Assembly, and neither do you. He didn’t register to run because that would mean that he would have to spend time at debates, which would distance him from the student body. His favorite Pokemon is Snorlax and his favorite water is Aquafina. Another good reason why Ben Ludlow is running: “Because Twill Dicks Cannot.”

Student Feels Regret after Forging Signatures on COS Petition

Brendan Haynesworth ’13 suddenly felt a pang of regret hours after turning in his petition to run for the Committee on Standards Wednesday afternoon. Having collected only 41 of the required 50 signatures minutes before the deadline, Haynesworth and several friends used various color pens and different handwriting techniques to forge the final nine signatures, thus ensuring his candidacy.

However, several hours later, when Haynesworth decided to investigate the function of the COS, which had been described to him by a friend as “a sweet work-free resume booster,” he was dismayed to learn that the committee was actually responsible for trying and convicting students accused of breaking the honor code.

Cordial Conversation Leads to Marginal Friendship

A conversation in the Russell Sage 3 bathroom last week has blossomed into a marginal friendship when hall-mates Matt Witkin ‘14 and Chris Sener ’14 were serendipitously brought together by a shared need to brush their teeth. Generic conversation ensued.

Witkin and Sener had first met on move-in day when Witkin’s mom confronted Sener about a possible friendship with her son. “She sort of pushed me into his room and forced the introduction,” Witkin reported to the Dunyun. “He seemed nice enough but his mom freaked me out. She kept squeezing my arm and smiling at Chris. I told him I liked his Family Guy poster and left. I guess we haven’t really spoken since.”

That all changed when the two occupied adjacent sinks Wednesday morning. Sener recalled the proceedings: “I saw him walk in and was like, ‘Hey Matt!’ Stupid I know. I should’ve gone with ‘Sup,’ or ‘Your hair looks nice today,’ but clearly it worked out alright.”

“Oh hey Chris, how are you?” Witkin responded.

Small talk be damned, Sener shot back, “Pretty good. You?”

“Good.”

“That was definitely the tensest part,” Witkin later reported. “There was an ambiguity of who, if anyone, should speak next. And once toothpaste went to mouth, any progress our conversation had made would go to shit. I couldn’t let that happen. We had come too far.”

Witkin eventually spoke up, asking Sener how his term was going. From there, the conversation took off. The two adventurous ‘14s covered themes from “what classes are you taking?” to “do you like them?” to “did you see Family Guy last night?”

Any hope of real progress was cut short by a focal shift to dental hygiene. (Witkin was running late to his 11, Socy 9: People Doing Things).

Still, considering the obvious time constraints, it would be off base to call their conversation anything less than a success. Said Sener, “We may not be there yet, but I foresee hellos in the Hop grill line. Maybe with a funny line about how there’s snow in April.”

Witkin seemed less concerned with forging new friendships, “Fuck it, I’m about to be in a frat.” But his longing eyes belied a deep-seated need for camaraderie, fraternal or lavatorial.

As of publication, there are prospects for a joint Topside run in the near future, as both are running low on dental floss.

Threat Level Raised to “Orange” as Spring Break Tan Wears Off

It’s officially been ten days since Sally Tisby has been in the Bahamas. And ten days, as everybody knows, is the official amount of time that it takes for a tan to wear off. Tisby, however, has disproved this constant law of tanning with her perpetual bronze status. As a result, the Ultraviolet Ray Protection Commission has raised the threat level to “Orange”. Nobody is sure how she’s done it, but The Dunyun has received unconfirmed rumors that it has something to do with “frequent trips to West Leb”[anon]. 

Mobile Uploads Confirm Girl Did Go Out

A series of Facebook mobile uploads last Friday confirmed reports of Alexa Logan's '14 presence at multiple fraternities throughout the evening. The discovery of these photos by fellow students came after varying reports on Logan's whereabouts and happenings. Fortunately, all doubts surrounding Logan's night have been removed thanks to her diligent posting of photographic journal entries via Facebook.

According to the photographic evidence, her night began at Chi Gam, where her Blackberry captured vivid images of her playing what appeared to be an intense game of pong. In one of the more interesting photos, Logan can be seen posing with a paddle in her hand as she seemingly waits for the arriving ball, accompanied by a telling caption of "shrub life...."

Indifference Shows Early Lead in SA Presidential Race

“Some people say I'm indifferent, but I just don’t care.” -Bobby Cox

Following the formal announcement of Student Assembly presidential campaigns by two students, polls indicate a close race between the two candidates. However, polls also indicate that both trail indifference by a hefty margin.

While twelve percent of the student body supported Candidate #1 That No One Really Knows or Cares About and nine percent showed support for Candidate #2 That No One Really Knows or Cares About, a whopping sixty-eight percent showed a decided indifference towards the race. Eleven percent of students were undecided but were though to be leaning towards indifference.

Class of 1953 Commons Now Run by Pirates

For those who thought that the epidemic of modern pirates was localized to Somalia, think again. A group of pirates have taken over the Class of 1953 Commons, and have hired contractors to make the building fit their exact specifications. The first of many renovations that they will make is already clearly visible at the front of the building: the moat.

Moats, invented in the 13th century as a way to make knights swim (when everybody knows how much knights hate to swim), have been a staple of castle defense since. The moat is also the second most-used method for guarding treasure, behind burying it on a desert island and marking the spot with an X.

News in Brief: End of Winter Term Edition

“17 Hours Before Exam, Student Knows More about Charlie Sheen than Robert Frost”

Around 4 PM, exactly 17 hours before his 8 AM final in ENGL 31: Deep Thoughts, Victor Berman ’12 came to realization that he knew more about the themes behind the recent rants by Charlie Sheen than those behind the writings of Robert Frost, which make up over half of the syllabus. Despite two days at a desk with a book of Frost’s poems and notes that he copied from a classmate, Berman spent a majority of his time watching Youtube videos of Sheen and blitzing friends to discuss whether or not Sheen had begun using drugs again.

Although he could remember only two of the twenty lines of “The Road Not Taken,” which he was expected to recite from memory, he had flawless command of Sheen’s rhetoric in his recent “I’m an F-18, bro” diatribe. When asked for background on both figures, Berman was only able to volunteer that Frost “went to Dartmouth, I think” but was able to name both of Sheen’s ‘goddesses’ and the pornographic films that each has starred in.

Game of Sporcle Captivates Much of Class

Several members of Anthropology 3 have corroborated reports that a game of "Sporcle" secured the attention of at least two rows of students. The player in question was Richard Jamison '12, who was seated in the center of the 7th row. Jamison's location offered several students behind him passable sightlines to his computer activity early on in the class.

According to these students, Jamison had exhausted much of the first half-hour browsing through news headlines. "Yeah, he spent a solid chunk of time on ESPN and The NY Times, but it didn't look like he was really reading anything. Just scrolling through the home pages. But hey, anything is more interesting than aboriginal art," revealed Sarah Wilkes '13. "Then he switched to Facebook. It's a 2A. You can only look at news for so long before letting your guard down."

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #8: Giving Facebook Albums Titles that Start with the Term Name, and then Involve No Spaces Between the Following Words

Nobody knows how it started. Scholars maintain that the original founding of the trend has been lost to the sands of time. However it started, though, it’s something that Dartmouth people (read: girls) like. You know what I’m talking about. You take the name of the term (currently 11W) and then you give the Facebook album a title that starts with that letter, and then involves no spaces. For example, “11WhydidIleavemyflaskonthebus?” or “09(se)Xualfantasy”.

For the love of God, please make it stop. Every time I read one of those album titles, I want to rip the space bar off of my keyboard and then beat a few sorority sisters with it. Your space bar isn’t broken. Don’t make jokes that it is. Believe it or not, putting spaces between your words helps the reader to understand what you’re saying. And it doesn’t make what you’re saying any funnier. It really doesn’t. Stop.

College Institutes Library Police Force to Manage Finals Complaints

It’s no secret that students complain during finals. A lot. About everything. The quality of Novack coffee. The fact that the library closes early before reading period. When people leave their books in one spot for days on end. That asshole who doesn’t realize that everybody on 2fb can hear the music coming out of his headphones. People who take too long in the East Asian bathroom. You name it, there’s a complainer for it. Tired of listening to all these complaints (in addition to some other complaints about some other stuff that has something to do with the I-CC and the Opinion page of The D), the College decided to take care of the vast majority of student complaints by fixing everything bad during finals. They will do this by simultaneously hiring Bain & Company and instituting a library police force to protect and serve library residents.

DDS Institutes All-You-Can-Drink Policy in Campus Fraternities

DDS announced yesterday that meals under next year's dining plan in '53 Commons will also be valid in campus fraternities. Instead of getting individual beers from brothers, students will be able to spend meals on unlimited drinks for a night.

 "The current system does not accommodate students who may feel the need to skip drinks because they're too awkward to approach the bar or ask a brother, especially by the time finals come around," said Director of Dining Services Neil Gibson.

Snide Comment Encourages Homeplate Grill Worker to Work Faster

Yesterday evening, having waited in excess of eight minutes for his teriyaki salmon at the Homeplate grill, Aaron Pauley ’13 took a stand for the Dartmouth student body and made a snide remark about why his order was taking so long. The remark came after Pauley reached for another student’s salmon, only to be informed by grill worker Todd Whitney that it was not his. Pauley shot back, declaring, “Sorry, I just assumed it was mine because I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes, my bad.”

The result was an immediate and noticeable increase in both the efficiency and effort of Whitney at the grill.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #7: iTunes Home Sharing

iTunes Home Sharing allows you into other iTunes libraries in your network. Since for the most part we're all on the same network, we get a whole lot of libraries. With Home Sharing, you can listen to all of the music someone else has accumulated through the years. You and your friends can pregame to classic hits like "Aaron's Party," or "Mambo No. 5," without feeling embarrassed, cause "it's not [your] iTunes anyways."  It's a free pass.

But an iTunes Library is an interesting thing. Access to one is no less than a window into the soul. Home Sharing provides that portal. Next time you open iTunes, don't ignore those names on the left side of your screen. Pick one. Maybe you it's a cute girl from your 10A. Maybe it's an older Psi U you've always had your eye on. Maybe it's just some kid you met during orientation and then never saw again. It doesn't matter, just click one.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #6: The Overheards

The overheards represent everything about Dartmouth. They encapsulate everything that Dartmouth people not only like, but also love.

Dartmouth people like the overheards first and foremost because they’re all about perpetuating stereotypes. They serve as a weekly reminder that our perceptions have and never will change. Tridelts only care about baking and blowjobs, Sigma Delts are all jacked lesbians and BGs spend at least 20 hours a day partaking in or talking about drugs. Do you remember that one overheard by the Phi Delt who spent an afternoon reading to underprivileged children? Me neither, because it didn’t get printed.

A good overheard can take one of three formulas, all of which we find hilarious. It is a ’14 demonstrating that they have no idea what’s going on, a member of a greek house perpetuating a stereotype, or anyone talking about how much they drink. Dartmouth students love that shit.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #5: Stealing from DDS

Number five in the count-up of Stuff Dartmouth People Like™ was a tough choice. Luckily, there is no limit on this list so we’ll cover all the other choices at some point.

Students love to steal from DDS because it’s the rational choice.

All Dartmouth people have a fundamental grasp of economics. Even those of us who take Phil 6 for our QDS can count. Stealing from DDS is putting these simple economics to work. If you think a price is too high, you don’t pay it. That’s why we love it, because we’re rational. But come on, you're not going to walk all the way to Bagel Basement between your 11 and 2.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #4: Talking About Where They Like to Study

As finals week approaches, conversations on campus are shifting from the best places to get hammered to the best places to hammer out that 20-page term paper you haven't done research for. Because studying's sometimes fun you well-rounded Dartmouth kid, you.

"It's okay, I'll just hunker down in the stacks and get it done," you say.
"Ohmygod you work in the stacks? It's so depressing! I get sad and can't focus. I ONLY go to 3fb."

And so it begins. What Dartmouth student is too fratty to discuss their favorite study spots? Nothing gets the blood flowing like a debate about the pros and cons of the periodicals room. Too Loud? Nonsense, it's just right. But I can never find tables there. But it's so pretty. Fascinating stuff.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #3

The BCC: Not since the invention of the three-way phone call has any feature allowed such sneaky inclusion of uninvited guests into a private exchange than the BCC. Blitzmail is an especially useful e-mail server for the BCC, since the whole highlighting-then-responding function is so innate to anyone who’s made it past freshman winter that we forget about covering our tracks. This highlighting function means any number of third parties or even your entire frat can get a front row BCSeat to your shitty flitzing, as well as the pathetic emoticons you get in response (warning: emoticons = desperation. Bitch will cling). You can even BCC yourself on your own blitzes when you’re just so sure that that dick joke was the wittiest and you want a quick way to revisit it. Also, if you mention on your croo application that you always BCC yourself on blitzes, you automatically get chosen. Your self-promotion game is top-of-the-line. I would congratulate you but I’m sure you’ve got it covered.

President Kim Struggles to Find Facetime Outlet in Winter

After spending his October Saturdays pacing the Dartmouth sidelines, President Kim recently realized that he has yet to find a facetime equivalent in his second winter. Sources close to the president told the Dunyun, "It's really about making his presence known to the student body. They should know that he really does care about their pursuits, or at least it should look like he does."

This was accomplished easily in the fall, as he could forcefully announce his presence at well-attended home football games. "He would just jump up and down and pump his arms on the sidelines, and it drove the students crazy" explained the source. "Don't get me started on when he would flash his tight spiral." As intended, Kim's sideline antics were met by several approving remarks, ranging from "wow we have the coolest president" to "did you see his arm!"

However, once football season ended so did his easy access to visibility.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #2: Don Pease

Don Pease is an amalgam of so many things Dartmouth people like: high median grades, feeling like you’re learning something when you’re actually not, alcohol, distribs that you bitch about but are actually really easy to get, and facetime. I will elaborate on each of these points.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #1

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #1

*Now commences a new Dunyun segment, completely based off the site StuffWhitePeopleLike.com. We'll start at #1 and keep going until we get bored. Any suggestions, please send to the GGMM.

#1 The Magical No-Line at Novack In Between Classes
You scheduled the classic 10, 11, 12 this term to satisfy your hang-out needs. And of course, you've been sleeping 'till 9:30...then 9:35...then 9:40...then 9:45...then 9:50...then showering...then getting there at 10:01 because it's in Rocky. Huge win but there's a major issue, no breakfast bro. You're starving at about 10:42 and consider scooting out to the vending machine but shit, shit, you're out of DA$H and who really carries 1 dollah bills? Peasants.

Clock hits 11:05 and you roll out, next class is in Wilder or don't care where. You need to deal with this hunger now--another 65 without the nosh and you'd probably resort to eating an entire pack of gum and/or making out with a fat chick. Time to go to Novack: Where Snacks Live ™, the perfect in-between place to stuff your face. You stride down that narrow hallway, PUMPED to get a roll or three and then it hits you. Look at that fucking line, it's looping around the Computer corner and you don't see a contact anywhere closer.

Baker Lounge To Provide New Venue For Face-time Jenga

With construction on the new Baker study lounge set to be completed Spring Term, students are excited to have a new location for group studying. '11s are more pumped for another place to play face-timey children's games.

We've all seen 'em. That same group of upperclassmen who throw surprise birthday parties in Home Plate or play Bananagrams in Novack because, hey, Bananagrams is fun.

Brendan Oregano '11 and friends look forward to taking the fun to a whole new part of campus. "People see us and are like, 'Look at those wacky seniors with their games and whatnot! How ironic!'"

Collective Apathy of ’11 Social Chairs Ensures the End of Fun Until Spring Term

The Inter-Fraternity Council and the Panhellenic Council announced today that all ‘11 Greek officers “have just had enough” and are no longer going to do anything. At all. Ever. Stop asking.

“I’ve secretly been praying for probation,” one fraternity’s president said, asking to remain anonymous for fear of repercussion from the younger members of his house who still have left any will to live. “If [house name redacted] would just go silent and if I never had to do a damn thing again, that’d be great.”

Lost & Found: (Loser &) Winner Carnival Edition

Because Frannie Mays is too lazy to post her own articles and this is too good.

Winter Carnival is a confusing time.  Some people win, and most people lose, and nobody succeeds on their Monday midterms (sup English 42?). To return an item, blitz the name at the end of the listing, or if you get social anxiety about confronting the victims of your theft, blitz back and we'll send an anonymized message. No, that isn’t a word, but you’re a thief, so fuck you too. To list an item you’ve lost, or to announce to campus that you drunkenly stole something from Tri Kap (and more importantly, that you were at Tri Kap after freshman fall), please blitz us in the format below. This account does not keep any items, except for dignity and virgins (they keep our skin looking young).

ITEM W/DESCRIPTION [INC. COLOR & SIZE] @ LOCATION (DATE) BLITZ

Nobody Injured in Breakfast Bomb Incident

February 17, 2011
Dartmouth College Safety and Security

At 9:53 this morning, the Hanover Police Special Forces Unit (irony) was called into Courtyard Café at the Hop in response to a reported breakfast bomb. The café was briefly evacuated but students were allowed back in after it was determined that no students had been injured by the bomb.

The police took Alex Farnam ’12, a member of the football team, into custody for allegedly bringing the breakfast bomb into the seating area of Courtyard Café.  However, he was later released when no evidence of the bomb could be found other than several knocked over chairs, an askew table, and scattered papers with illegible markings on them where Farnam and his teammates had been sitting.

Green Team to Team up with EBAs to Combat Dangerous Intoxication Levels

Green Team, Dartmouth’s new bystander intervention program, trained its first group today. The organization, conceived and run by students, aims to equip unmarked bystanders with the tools necessary to help lower the frequency and severity of hospitalizations. Immediately after the training, however, Green Team leaders realized that they didn’t need the help of any Dartmouth students to achieve this goal. They just needed EBAs.

“So here’s the deal,” Miley Smiley ’11 said in an interview with The Dunyun. “We were going to pay four Green Team members $40 each per night to act as bystanders at parties. Decent idea, right? But then we thought about what would happen if we just put that money towards EBAs.”

Critical reception to this new initiative has been unanimous in its praise.

Important Note from the Dunyun

While spending an unfortunate amount of time in the 1902 room last night, I made a startling observation. There is a portrait of a former dean of the college named "Craven Laycock" hanging closest to the door to Baker. If that's not a made up name, then I don't know what is. I would take Hugh Jass or Izzy N. Yet more seriously.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Witty Comment Solidifies Bid at Rush Event

At last Sunday's SAE Super Bowl event, John Angarola '14 clinched a spot in the SAE brotherhood with humorous commentary on the big game. After an errant throw by Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, Angarola outlined to brothers in the vicinity the extent to which Roethlisberger sucks. According to Angarola, "Roethlisberger sucks hard core. He's so b-side. Like, the Sig Nu to Aaron Rogers' SAE. Right guys?"

Response to Angarola's quip was overwhelmingly positive. Jack Reiner '12 admired his grasp of the game, "John's hilarious. Plus he knows his football. There are a lot of people out there who think that Roethlisberger is a decent quarterback. Angarola hit the nail on the head: the guy sucks. Hard core. Did I mention how hilarious he is?"

Four Weeks Later, Student Still Has No Idea What’s Going on in Class

After over four weeks of attending classes, occasionally participating and even making an appearance at office hours, Brandon Riggs ’13 finally realized that he has absolutely no idea what is going on in his philosophy class.

Riggs enrolled in Phil 11: Abstract Concepts when a friend told him that it required “absolutely no work.” This proved true for the first four weeks.

However, the realization that he actually has no idea what the fuck is going on came over the weekend when he attempted to start a four-page paper on a ‘topic of his choice.’ Riggs quickly realized that not only could he not find four pages worth of relevant information to fill a paper, but he also couldn’t even recall a central theme from four weeks of class discussion to serve as his topic.

Dartmouth Men's Basketball to Undergo Rebranding, Hires "Curly" Johnson to Coaching Staff

After posting a 5-13 record through the first half of the season, the Dartmouth Men's Basketball team has announced plans for a program overhaul, beginning with the hiring of former Harlem Globetrotter Fred "Curly" Johnson. Athletic Director Harry Sheehy had hinted at plans to revitalize the struggling program in the fall, but waited for this season's results before acting.

Sheehy spotted Johnson at a basketball court in Tampa, Florida, where he noticed an older man dressed in a timeworn Globetrotters jersey yelling instructions at a group of unsuspecting teenagers. "He kept screaming things I couldn't even understand at the boys. But what got me was the fear in their eyes. They respected him. I knew right then and there that we had found our man," said Sheehy.

Heorot Officially Institutes BYOB Policy

In a move two years in the making, Chi Heorot Fraternity officially voted last week to become Dartmouth’s first BYOB fraternity. The decision came after the winter term social fund, buoyed by winter pledges, ran out four weeks into the term. Although some brothers protested the move, most praised the change as long overdue.

North Korea Project Finishes Project, Disbands

The North Korea Project at Dartmouth College announced yesterday that they are disbanding, having accomplished all of their goals as a student organization. The NKP, aimed to "educate the Dartmouth community of the human rights issues concerning North Korea," arrived at the conclusion that everyone has learned all there is to know about North Korea.

Stephanie Flynn '11, chairman of the NKP, said in an interview with the Dunyun, "We figured we've done all we can. If students still don't know that the situation in North Korea is bad, it's their own damn fault. We blitz out at least twice a day. We sell shit in Novack. And one term we even hosted an event! Consider the Dartmouth community educated.

Psi U to Rent Out Social Space for Local Bar Mitzvahs

Psi Upsilon has announced it will rent out its social space to local Bar and Bat Mitzvahs during its stint on probation. Since its probation prohibits the use of alcohol on the premises, Psi U sees this cherished Jewish ritual as a profitable use of its unused basement.

The inaugural affair will be the Bar Mitzvah of Adam Weisfeld, a resident of nearby Etna, New Hampshire. The service will be held on the first floor of the house, with the reception planned for the frat's basement.

EDPA Offers Campus True Incentive for Participation

Today, hundreds of Dartmouth students woke up to/supplemented their nap with/smoked a bowl while reading the most exciting blitz ever sent out to all of campus. More exciting than that time DAO was selling bowls of ramen noodles worth 50 cents each for $3.50. More exciting than that blitz about Coldplay coming to Dartmouth, which ended up being nothing more than an evil ploy to recover anotherfuckingnorthface. Steal another one; there are plenty of frackets in the skeeze. More exciting than President Kim's drunk blitz inviting everyone to the football game. More exciting than the blitz from the Grafton County Treasurer/'10 who lost every single thing she owned of value in some frat, including her passport, debit card, cell phone, a picture of her grandkids, vital organs, and a print-out of her credit score. More exciting than that Lost and Found blitz that reported the loss of Tina Lowry '11's virginity at AD (let the record reflect that all of these more or less
actually happened).

Overheards The D Wouldn’t Print

DDS Cashier: “Sometimes I want to tell fat girls not to order the side of fries. It’s really not helping them out.”

’11 girl: “Now that I’m a BG slut, I get so much free weed.”

’13 Phi Delt: “What’s a clitoris?”

Nick Giaccone: “I’m bored. Anybody wanna play a game of pin the felony on the donkey?”

Friends from Home Seriously Don’t Care How Cold It Is

Despite the greatest efforts of Dartmouth students to covey how big a deal the current subzero temperatures in Hanover are, friends from home have shown no indication that they give a shit.

Stanley Worsham ’13 had phone conversations with over ten of his friends who attend a school in Texas while walking back to Judge dormitory late Sunday night, asking each of them, “Do you know what negative twenty feels like? Because I'm walking in it.” Responses ranged from a puzzled “OK” to “Weren’t you aware that you were going to school in New Hampshire?”

Incipient Dance Party Frustrated by Pong Game

Guests at Chi Gam were irritated on Wednesday when the refusal of a group of '13s to prematurely end their game of pong inadvertently prevented the beginning of a spontaneous dance floor. Though reports indicate that the basement was at capacity and a succession of danceable songs had been playing for several minutes, the brothers physically resisted attempts to flip the last standing table which would have allowed unrestrained dancing to begin in earnest.

"I waited out a line of 3 to get on this table," said Nick Beason '13, one of the brothers. "I don't care if some horny dudes want to get their grind on, I just want to finish my game of tree. Hey, what the fuck! Turn those lights back on!"

2011 and 2014 Class Councils Launch Blind Date Matching Service

In an effort to more effectively cater the social dynamics of Dartmouth, the class councils of the classes of 2011 and 2014 have launched joint blind dating service. The service, which has already sent ten couples on dates, matches a ’14 with an ’11 and gives them $25 to go on a date.

The new joint venture arose out of a general lack of interest in the 2011 Class Council’s attempt at a blind dating service. Complaints about the dates included already knowing why you don’t want to go on a date with each person in your class as well as your typical overplayed Dartmouth X jokes.

Facebook Group Introduces Class of 2015 to the Dartmouth Community

In the wake of newly admitted members of the class of 2015, many students have expressed great excitement about this new batch of Dartmouth students. Several, most of them '14s, have flocked to the "Dartmouth College Class of 2015" Facebook group, enthusiastically participating in the group activities.

Number Zero: Tris Wykes

Bet you fuckers thought that we were done with the countdown. Think again. We’re coming back with number zero on our list of People of the Year for 2010.

Technically, Tris Wykes’s major claim to fame at Dartmouth happened at the end of 2009, but we’re willing to overlook that, since we didn’t do a People of the Year last year.

Tris Wykes, in case you forgot, is the Valley News reporter who broke the story about anti-Semitism at a squash match against Harvard where students yelled things like “bagel”.

I’m going to abandon The Dunyun’s traditional satirical style for this article on Tris Wykes. I can’t even bring myself to say anything nice about him sarcastically.

 You, Mr. Wykes, are everything that is wrong with the world today.

Number One: The Farmville Couple

Number One on The Dunyun’s prestigious People of the Year list goes to the Farmville Couple.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Farmville Couple, these were a (presumably) married pair of incredibly overweight individuals who would come to the public computers on First Floor Berry and play Farmville.

For hours. I’m talking six-hour stretches. They would literally sit and watch the digital grass grow.

#2: Nick Giaccone

Officer Giaccone has done nothing in his time as Hanover police chief that was not valiant, useful, and downright altruistic. Freedom isn’t free! It takes the hard work of individuals like Nicholas H. Giaccone (the H is for hero) to build solid communities like the one we’ve got right here, folks! Build ‘em from the ground up. If not for him, who knows how many young 20-year-old children would end up in the hospital without subsequently being shunned by a Greek house where they weren’t even necessarily drinking? Who knows how many of our innocent youth would have to trek into open basements for possibly skunked Keystones instead of pre-gaming hard liquor in their rooms that their trip leader/UGA/sibling/fraternity brother/sorority sister/expired fake in Burlington/daddy’s money on a weekend trip to Montreal got them?

#3: The Hero of the Football Team

Now don’t get me wrong, it pains me as much as the rest of us to see someone related to the football team in 2010’s three most influential people at Dartmouth. I’ll probably regret it next time there are fifteen people ordering burger specials in front of me in the grill line, but sometimes, someone comes along whose impact simply can’t be denied. Coming in at number three on the Dunyun’s top 10 of 2010 is the MVP of this year’s varsity football team, Sacred Heart kicker Jesper Fredriksson.

It’s rare that the success of an entire season can be credited to a single player, but Fredriksson is the exception to the rule. With time expiring and his team trailing by two points, he missed a chip-shot field goal to give Dartmouth it’s first winning season since 1928 and making the largest single contribution to Dartmouth football since that ’09 tried to sleep with everyone in GDX.

Number Four

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

#5: Jim Gusanoz- Businessman of the Year

2010 was a banner year in the business community at Dartmouth. The endowment started to recover, Tridelt reclaimed the top spot in the Novack bake sale circuit and DDS turned a profit (just kidding). However, one man made some of the boldest business moves in Hanover history, challenging an age-old monopoly and brining both the free market and late-night Mexican cuisine to Hanover: Jim Gusanoz.

#6: Janet the Bikini Waxer

#6 on our illustrious list of Dartmouth’s most influential people of 2010 is the fierce, feisty, and unspoken secret hero to countless Dartmouth students: Janet from Hanover’s “Youthful Solutions” salon (not to be confused with Crystal at Hilde's, who goes certifiably Xena-Warrior-Princess-with-flypaper on your ass).

Number Seven: Self-Righteous D Opinion Columnists

Number Seven on our list of People of the Year goes to Self-Righteous D Opinion Columnists. Sure, they’ve been around for a while. Yes, they’ve been complaining about stuff for decades. But this year saw them take their griping to a whole new level.

That’s right. We’re looking at you, Mr. I’m-a-good-person-because-I-hate-the-Greek-system. And you, Ms. Football-players-are-dumb-and-I-think-I’m-the-first-person-to-bring-this-to-your-attention. You really made the world a better place with your words.

Number Eight

Number Eight: Collis Rey

I know we just did a number 8 but a '14 wrote it. Here's another number 8.

Collis Rey earns the number 8 spot on The Dunyun's most influential people of 2010 list because he's the Dave Matthews of Dartmouth College. They're both on a first-name only bro (Dave, Rey); they both are craved when you're slooshied ("Bro how sick would it be if there was a Dave concert right now?", "Why the fuck isn't Rey serving breakfast sandwiches now? No, I don't want a fucking smoothie") and they both think people who order meatless breakfast sandwiches are pussies. They also both ALWAYS sell-out and may or may not be zooted while performing/serving.

Rey could come in anywhere from 5th to 9th on this list every year--he's more of a Dartmouth institution to me than any fucking Tour Guide bullshit. I'd take that lone sausage sandwich over the Lone Pine anyday.

But the #8 is a special one to Rey, as he finished his education in 8th grade, has 8 children and would love to tell you about his cameo in 8 Mile (made breakfast sandwiches for the cast and told Eminem, "Way to go big guy" after he ordered two bacon ones. Eminem responded, "Shut the fuck up. You don't know me." Rey shot him. He knows everyone.)

'14s Who Touched the Fire

Number 8 on The Dunyun's People of the Year goes to those '14s who were brain-dead enough to believe that running directly into a 50 ft. flame was the best way to prevent 2014 from being the worst class ever. These are the true heroes of the class. They proved that getting 3rd degree burns (and arrested) is better than putting up with a little hazing for one night. I wish I was that cool. I'm so proud to be a '14 right now.

Number Nine

The Dunyun continues its countdown of the ten most important people at Dartmouth in 2010.

Number Nine: Bribable Formal Bus Drivers

The group of people coming in at number nine on our list of the most important people of 2010 may be the most underrated on the list. Many of us pass by them only four times per term, remembering only one or two. They are the formal bus drivers who somehow don’t notice as 60 bottles of Andre plus various other forms of alcohol make their way onto the bus, knowing that it may not leave the bus despite the fact that it will be consumed.

Ironically, these brave souls dedicate their days to protecting the lives of children but a Benjamin can swing their moral compass 180 degrees. Their calculated ignorance can take formal to the next level and makes those 2 hours at the DOC house bearable.

Number Ten

In honor of the New Year, The Dunyun has decided to list our ten favorite people of 2010. We will count down, announcing one each day.

Number Ten: The Kid Who Forgot to Renew Course Guide

Number ten on The Dunyun’s People of the Year goes to the kid who decided to delete all of the old Course Guide reviews. No, it wasn’t Derek Shmanner. It was some piece of shit ’10 who thought that CourseRank was gonna be the hottest thing since sliced bread. WRONG!