Class of 1953 Commons Now Run by Pirates

For those who thought that the epidemic of modern pirates was localized to Somalia, think again. A group of pirates have taken over the Class of 1953 Commons, and have hired contractors to make the building fit their exact specifications. The first of many renovations that they will make is already clearly visible at the front of the building: the moat.

Moats, invented in the 13th century as a way to make knights swim (when everybody knows how much knights hate to swim), have been a staple of castle defense since. The moat is also the second most-used method for guarding treasure, behind burying it on a desert island and marking the spot with an X.


In addition to the moat, the pirates have instituted a number of other changes to the Artist Formerly Known as Thayer. A dungeon has been added to the basement of the building, and has been covered by a fake concrete slab, in order to give the casual passer-by the impression that the basement has been filled in completely with concrete. Oh no. This dungeon is the new location for the College’s punishment for violation of Green Team sanctions: days on end of torture for the Greek officers responsible.

The dining area of ’53 Commons has also been retrofitted with an observation deck, in order to best be able to see military ships from the East India Trading Company coming. Young lads with keen vision and endless stamina can be seen manning this post.

The serving area has also been outfitted with a fruit bar, otherwise known as a scurvy prevention station.

In order to reinforce their pirate culture, the proprietors of the establishment have dictated that dishes on the menu in ’53 Commons will have their names altered. “Spinach and Artichoke Dip” will become “Spinach and YARtichoke Dip”, and so on.

A skull-and-crossbones flag is scheduled to be hoisted by the end of April, and DBA will slowly be phased out in favor of gold coins, whose veracity will be checked by cashiers who will bite them to ensure their authentic malleable status.