Indifference Shows Early Lead in SA Presidential Race

“Some people say I'm indifferent, but I just don’t care.” -Bobby Cox

Following the formal announcement of Student Assembly presidential campaigns by two students, polls indicate a close race between the two candidates. However, polls also indicate that both trail indifference by a hefty margin.

While twelve percent of the student body supported Candidate #1 That No One Really Knows or Cares About and nine percent showed support for Candidate #2 That No One Really Knows or Cares About, a whopping sixty-eight percent showed a decided indifference towards the race. Eleven percent of students were undecided but were though to be leaning towards indifference.

Class of 1953 Commons Now Run by Pirates

For those who thought that the epidemic of modern pirates was localized to Somalia, think again. A group of pirates have taken over the Class of 1953 Commons, and have hired contractors to make the building fit their exact specifications. The first of many renovations that they will make is already clearly visible at the front of the building: the moat.

Moats, invented in the 13th century as a way to make knights swim (when everybody knows how much knights hate to swim), have been a staple of castle defense since. The moat is also the second most-used method for guarding treasure, behind burying it on a desert island and marking the spot with an X.

News in Brief: End of Winter Term Edition

“17 Hours Before Exam, Student Knows More about Charlie Sheen than Robert Frost”

Around 4 PM, exactly 17 hours before his 8 AM final in ENGL 31: Deep Thoughts, Victor Berman ’12 came to realization that he knew more about the themes behind the recent rants by Charlie Sheen than those behind the writings of Robert Frost, which make up over half of the syllabus. Despite two days at a desk with a book of Frost’s poems and notes that he copied from a classmate, Berman spent a majority of his time watching Youtube videos of Sheen and blitzing friends to discuss whether or not Sheen had begun using drugs again.

Although he could remember only two of the twenty lines of “The Road Not Taken,” which he was expected to recite from memory, he had flawless command of Sheen’s rhetoric in his recent “I’m an F-18, bro” diatribe. When asked for background on both figures, Berman was only able to volunteer that Frost “went to Dartmouth, I think” but was able to name both of Sheen’s ‘goddesses’ and the pornographic films that each has starred in.

Game of Sporcle Captivates Much of Class

Several members of Anthropology 3 have corroborated reports that a game of "Sporcle" secured the attention of at least two rows of students. The player in question was Richard Jamison '12, who was seated in the center of the 7th row. Jamison's location offered several students behind him passable sightlines to his computer activity early on in the class.

According to these students, Jamison had exhausted much of the first half-hour browsing through news headlines. "Yeah, he spent a solid chunk of time on ESPN and The NY Times, but it didn't look like he was really reading anything. Just scrolling through the home pages. But hey, anything is more interesting than aboriginal art," revealed Sarah Wilkes '13. "Then he switched to Facebook. It's a 2A. You can only look at news for so long before letting your guard down."

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #8: Giving Facebook Albums Titles that Start with the Term Name, and then Involve No Spaces Between the Following Words

Nobody knows how it started. Scholars maintain that the original founding of the trend has been lost to the sands of time. However it started, though, it’s something that Dartmouth people (read: girls) like. You know what I’m talking about. You take the name of the term (currently 11W) and then you give the Facebook album a title that starts with that letter, and then involves no spaces. For example, “11WhydidIleavemyflaskonthebus?” or “09(se)Xualfantasy”.

For the love of God, please make it stop. Every time I read one of those album titles, I want to rip the space bar off of my keyboard and then beat a few sorority sisters with it. Your space bar isn’t broken. Don’t make jokes that it is. Believe it or not, putting spaces between your words helps the reader to understand what you’re saying. And it doesn’t make what you’re saying any funnier. It really doesn’t. Stop.

College Institutes Library Police Force to Manage Finals Complaints

It’s no secret that students complain during finals. A lot. About everything. The quality of Novack coffee. The fact that the library closes early before reading period. When people leave their books in one spot for days on end. That asshole who doesn’t realize that everybody on 2fb can hear the music coming out of his headphones. People who take too long in the East Asian bathroom. You name it, there’s a complainer for it. Tired of listening to all these complaints (in addition to some other complaints about some other stuff that has something to do with the I-CC and the Opinion page of The D), the College decided to take care of the vast majority of student complaints by fixing everything bad during finals. They will do this by simultaneously hiring Bain & Company and instituting a library police force to protect and serve library residents.

DDS Institutes All-You-Can-Drink Policy in Campus Fraternities

DDS announced yesterday that meals under next year's dining plan in '53 Commons will also be valid in campus fraternities. Instead of getting individual beers from brothers, students will be able to spend meals on unlimited drinks for a night.

 "The current system does not accommodate students who may feel the need to skip drinks because they're too awkward to approach the bar or ask a brother, especially by the time finals come around," said Director of Dining Services Neil Gibson.

Snide Comment Encourages Homeplate Grill Worker to Work Faster

Yesterday evening, having waited in excess of eight minutes for his teriyaki salmon at the Homeplate grill, Aaron Pauley ’13 took a stand for the Dartmouth student body and made a snide remark about why his order was taking so long. The remark came after Pauley reached for another student’s salmon, only to be informed by grill worker Todd Whitney that it was not his. Pauley shot back, declaring, “Sorry, I just assumed it was mine because I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes, my bad.”

The result was an immediate and noticeable increase in both the efficiency and effort of Whitney at the grill.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #7: iTunes Home Sharing

iTunes Home Sharing allows you into other iTunes libraries in your network. Since for the most part we're all on the same network, we get a whole lot of libraries. With Home Sharing, you can listen to all of the music someone else has accumulated through the years. You and your friends can pregame to classic hits like "Aaron's Party," or "Mambo No. 5," without feeling embarrassed, cause "it's not [your] iTunes anyways."  It's a free pass.

But an iTunes Library is an interesting thing. Access to one is no less than a window into the soul. Home Sharing provides that portal. Next time you open iTunes, don't ignore those names on the left side of your screen. Pick one. Maybe you it's a cute girl from your 10A. Maybe it's an older Psi U you've always had your eye on. Maybe it's just some kid you met during orientation and then never saw again. It doesn't matter, just click one.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #6: The Overheards

The overheards represent everything about Dartmouth. They encapsulate everything that Dartmouth people not only like, but also love.

Dartmouth people like the overheards first and foremost because they’re all about perpetuating stereotypes. They serve as a weekly reminder that our perceptions have and never will change. Tridelts only care about baking and blowjobs, Sigma Delts are all jacked lesbians and BGs spend at least 20 hours a day partaking in or talking about drugs. Do you remember that one overheard by the Phi Delt who spent an afternoon reading to underprivileged children? Me neither, because it didn’t get printed.

A good overheard can take one of three formulas, all of which we find hilarious. It is a ’14 demonstrating that they have no idea what’s going on, a member of a greek house perpetuating a stereotype, or anyone talking about how much they drink. Dartmouth students love that shit.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #5: Stealing from DDS

Number five in the count-up of Stuff Dartmouth People Like™ was a tough choice. Luckily, there is no limit on this list so we’ll cover all the other choices at some point.

Students love to steal from DDS because it’s the rational choice.

All Dartmouth people have a fundamental grasp of economics. Even those of us who take Phil 6 for our QDS can count. Stealing from DDS is putting these simple economics to work. If you think a price is too high, you don’t pay it. That’s why we love it, because we’re rational. But come on, you're not going to walk all the way to Bagel Basement between your 11 and 2.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #4: Talking About Where They Like to Study

As finals week approaches, conversations on campus are shifting from the best places to get hammered to the best places to hammer out that 20-page term paper you haven't done research for. Because studying's sometimes fun you well-rounded Dartmouth kid, you.

"It's okay, I'll just hunker down in the stacks and get it done," you say.
"Ohmygod you work in the stacks? It's so depressing! I get sad and can't focus. I ONLY go to 3fb."

And so it begins. What Dartmouth student is too fratty to discuss their favorite study spots? Nothing gets the blood flowing like a debate about the pros and cons of the periodicals room. Too Loud? Nonsense, it's just right. But I can never find tables there. But it's so pretty. Fascinating stuff.