SLEEVE MONSTER APPREHENDED BY HANOVER POLICE

Around 2 p.m. on Sunday, Hanover Police apprehended “The Sleeve Monster”, a humanoid being whose official name is unknown. The Sleeve Monster was spotted at the Chiddy Bang concert in the grassy knoll between Kemeny Hall and Berry Library by a ’12 female who wished to remain anonymous, due to the sensitive nature of the information. The Sleeve Monster, who is most active during the fall term—the typical “pledge” term—and during Sophomore Summer, was expected to commit a string of crimes at fraternity bequests this coming week. The modus operandi for which the Sleeve Monster has become known is to sneak up on unsuspecting males, usually affiliated with a single-sex Greek organization, and snatch the sleeves off of their T-shirts and sweatshirts, leaving them sleeveless and alone.

Student Develops Social Life iPhone App

Steve Sweeney ’10 unveiled his thesis project in front of a packed auditorium in Thayer Thursday evening. After a week of sending out self-call blitzes explaining how much time he spent in the library and reminding everyone how good a student he is because he wrote a thesis, Sweeney unveiled his thesis project, a new iPhone app.

The app, Hand2Face, is a carefully crafted to help manage social lives and conversation for students who are too busy on their iPhone to pay attention to their friends who are usually in their direct vicinity and trying to engage them in conversation. The product mission states, “to eliminate all douchiness associated with using an iPhone in social spaces.” 

Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

As a rookie at Dartmouth, I just realized that my DBA doesn't roll over this summer. I currently have $762.38 in FoCo and $42.99 on the Topside. What would you say are the best ways to spend this?

Never Hungry,

Frankie Fresh '13

Letter to the Editor

Anonymous said...

I like how AD was the frat that held the forum but Phi Delt is the subject of the article. It seems the Dunyun has tarnished its previously sterling reputation as an unbiased source of news. I'm guessing 80% of the Dunyun writers are AD's anyways.

-http://www.thedunyun.com/2010/05/forum-fixes-everything.html#comments

Dear Halfwit:

Forum Fixes Everything

Larson Waters ’11 never thought he’d be accused of being a racist. But that is exactly what his critics were calling him on Thursday, after he painted an offensive mural on the side of the Collis Café and signed it with his fraternity’s Greek letters, Phi Delta Alpha. The mural depicted a scene resembling slavery, which Waters insisted was merely a reference to his fraternity’s pledge term. He knew that he had to act fast to prevent Phi Delt’s sterling reputation from being tarnished. After talking to his parents on the phone that night, he came up with the idea of holding a forum.

’13s Attempt to Secure Hookups for Summer

Across campus, 13s have begun to take the first steps to secure steady hookups for the upcoming summer. Regardless of whether this year has been one big dry spell or a steady stream of options, freshmen are making the effort to rekindle old flames and ignite new ones in pursuit of a fruitful off term.

Due to the D-plan’s ability to provide large chunks of time at home when all of your friends are at school and vice versa, most ‘13s haven’t encountered their high school friends since last summer or winter break. This makes it necessary for freshmen to take steps to revive their relationships before leaving Hanover.

'13 Has "Worst Week Ever"

“Life’s a bitch and then you die”

-NAS

Robbie Friedman ’13 has officially completed the documented “worst week ever.” Despite the fact that he is only a freshman, Friedman decided that his week was indeed the consensus “hardest week that anyone has ever had at Dartmouth.” 

Friedman’s roommate Xander Solomon ‘13, a pre-med two-sport athlete taking 4 classes, agreed that Friedman probably had the worst week ever, “I’m not exactly sure what he had going on but from the amount I heard about it, it seemed like he had more to do than any week I’ve ever had to deal with.”

Vanessa Koppel ’13, tried to reach out to Friedman when he seemed stressed earlier in the week. She took a break from studying for her exams in CHEM 12: Weeding Out Freshmen and HIST 95: All of Time to bring him a rice krispie treat from Novack but he just told her to “leave” because “you physically cannot understand what I'm dealing with.”

College to Offer Gold Star to Students Who Graduate Without Taking Gut Classes

One of the constant temptations of Dartmouth is for students to take “gut” classes, i.e. classes with optional attendance and a forgiving curve. Although there are factors that discourage students from taking gut classes, like a conscience and thousands of dollars of wasted tuition, many students still find themselves taking classes such as “WGST 34: Bein’ a Bro”, “NAS 60.1: Nodding Your Head”, and “Astronomy 4: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”. Many students who do not indulge in gut classes complain that their GPAs are unfairly punished by taking what they call “real” classes, which have “exams” and “learning” and nonsense like that. To compensate these students for their extra effort, the College will give non-gut graduates a “super-awesome” gold star to make up for the countless extra hours they spent in the library.

Dun-on-Dun with Jim Gusanoz

Hey Jim. How are you today?

What's going on Stephen? Am I taking this to Sphinx again?

Wait, are you serious? I wore a mask at the door.

You call from the same phone every time Briggs. I put it together. What can I get you?

Shit. Actually nothing right now. Can you answer a few questions for The Dunyun?

Not too many. We're getting killed tonight and frickin' Brendan took off without telling anyone. So it's just me driving the Chip Chariot tonight.

How'd you start at Gusanoz?

Well, I grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, homeless, with a drug-addicted mother and absentee father. My size caught the eye of a local football coach who enrolled me in a private Christian school. I struggled with friends but met SJ, a first-grader, who took me under his wing and into his family's home. After some debate about my rough past and ethnicity, they adopted me as a child and pushed me to play football. I eventually got offered a full scholarship to the Ole Miss Rebels. I however chose to work at C & As in Hanover.

The Dunyun's Green Key Lost & Found Update

ITEM W/DESCRIPTION @ LOCATION (DATE) BLITZ

LOST:
Sight of my values @ Gammapalooza (May 14) jesusluvsme
Actual sight @ BG (when was (U++ER again?) n00b
3 pounds of EBA’s weight @ upstairs bathroom of GDX (5/14) twobyfour
Beard (may have gone home with someone else)@ Sig Ep, (5/13) lightintheloafers
Eight games of tree and all dignity @ TDX (5/11) hardguy
3 teeth on the moon bounce @ frat row (5/14) drunkisthenewblack
Birth control pills @ AD, TDX, or Phi Tau?? (5/14) mommy2be
Control of bowel movements @ Convention (5/15) softguy
Track of all-liquid diet @ TDX pig roast (5/14) kappakween
Virginity to every member of Filligar @ AD (5/14) luckygal
Consciousness @ Chi Gam (5/14) 2fast2furious
Baseball signed by “Baby Ruth” behind the Sigma Delt fence (5/13) smalls
$300 in online poker @ Biscoh study lounge (5/13) fadedasfuk
All discretion @ TDX (5/14) dteffortless
My parents’ respect @ Phi Delt lawn party (5/14) itwasbehindatreethough
A bid to every house @ the block party (5/14) itwasbehindatreethough
A pint of blood @ Tri Kap (5/14) stairsaretricky
A bet that I wouldn’t drunk dial my mom again @ Novack (early morning 5/15) schloppy
At least 100 future votes for Senate seat in New England @ the block party (5/14) triplelegacy
An entire car @ ?? (5/13-15) probablydead
.3 GPA points @ BannerStudent transcript (5/15) all-campus listserv

FOUND:
Inner child @ Panarchy Rave (5/15) Xstatic
Actual child @ Panarchy Rave (5/15) maryallen
Fuckbuddy in the Choates @ Tri Kap (5/11) cougar10
16 wallets in various jackets @ TDX (5/14) finderskeepers
Jesus in an upstairs bedroom @ AD (5/14) womandoneright
A reason to break up with boyfriend from home @ AD (5/14) womandoneright
Bicuriosity @ SD (5/14 Cheeseball) AniDiFrancoluvr
My calling as a British noble @ Convention (5/15) Marquee
Nalgene of gin in the back of an ambulance @ DHMC (5/14) stonecoldsteveaustin
The G spot @ the middle of the green (promptly lost again when the Sun God appeared) (5/13) husbandmaterial
An entire car on the front lawn @ 14 Webster Ave. (5/14) PrezKim

Professor Forgets that He Cancelled Class

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

-Woody Allen

Jake Nash made his regular commute from Lebanon to Hanover early Friday morning. Like all new professors striving for tenure, he liked to hold office hours before and after his 9L, Socy 23: Motivation and Participation. Even though it’s only his first year as a professor, his class was overfilled. After one term with 19 students and a median grade of an A, enrollment exploded.

After thirty minutes in his office, Nash finished grading his class’ only midterm, a 30 question multiple choice test that was eerily similar to the one administered last term, and headed to Thrilsby 213 for class. However, when he got to the classroom, only 2 students greeted him, one of whom was covered in paint and the other wore only an American flag. Both of them were asleep on the floor and none of them were students in his class. He shook it off since students were usually late but after twenty minutes passed he realized that something was amiss. 

'13s Tweak Personalities for Pre-Rush

The past few weeks have seen sharp shifts in behavior from many ’13s around campus. Although completely unnoticed by a vast majority of the student body, ‘13s have shown strange personality fluctuations, occurring on Saturday or Sunday afternoons and usually coinciding with pre-rush events.

Although it has long been a tradition to completely change personality and wardrobe for fall rush, this class of freshmen has stepped up the personality modifications early in the game.

Dartmouth Females to Look Good for the Second Time This Term

For the first time since the day of the Kentucky Derby, Dartmouth women are expected to look good this coming weekend. After months of witnessing North Face-covered women in Uggs, men on campus were ready this term to return to a campus filled with sundress-wearing girls who spend more than two minutes on their appearance before going out. This, however, was not the case. While men were excited to see women look good at Kappa Delta Epsilon’s Derby party and Alpha Chi Alpha’s Pigstick party, their elation quickly subsided when campus women immediately reverted to wearing sweatpants and putting their hair in ponytails. Theta Delta Chi’s 80s party saw women trade in their sweatpants for Spandex, but also saw them put their ponytails on the side of their heads, which decreases their sex appeal by 43%.

Very Few Deaths at Room Draw This Year

Director of Housing Operations for the Office of Residential Life Rebecca Rothenberg was happy to report this morning that very few deaths were recorded after last night’s room draw. Rothenberg expressed satisfaction with the security measures put in place to minimize the casualty number. “I’d say it was a success, though I do want to stress that the final death tallies aren’t in yet,” she explains. “So I do want people to be prepared in case more bodies are recovered from the scene by the end of the day.” So far, Rothenberg assures us, no victims have been identified who didn’t “clearly have it coming.”

Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

I'm really excited for Green Key but I'm worried about navigating the Green scene. You're in my 'stronomy class and we crushed that Where's Pluto? Lab together, so hopefully you remember me. But what goes down this weekend?

I'm bringing like 8 friends up from home. I know there are mad alumni but you think we'll be able to get some pong in? Oh and dude, is there anyway you could swing by Stan and Son's and snag me a 30 of Bud, a 6-pack of something nice, and some Baked Lays? I'll pay you back of course; I've got mad DDS to burn so dinner on me one or two nights. That'll be clutch because we're probably just going to want to chill, watch Animal House maybe, and sip on some brews before braving the Green scene.

I told them to come Thursday or Friday, but what do you think? Correct me if I'm wrong but Thursday has "Yeah That's My Bed...Don't Leave" tails at AXA, Red, White, and Boob Bash at TDX, Patio Critters at the U, and who knows what else! But Friday is Phi Delt's famous Phinding Nemo party, some historical figure at GDX, and Gettin' Gammered at Chi Gam. I definitely feel like we're in a good situation though.

‘10s Going to Miss Dartmouth; Dartmouth Not Going to Miss ‘10s

With Green Key Weekend right around the corner, the Class of 2010 will soon be experiencing the annual wave of nostalgia that hits the senior class as they close in on their graduation date. ‘10s will reflect on the four years that they have spent at Dartmouth, and the close bonds that they have made with classmates, peers, professors, and the town of Hanover, which includes Jim Gusanoz. The one thing that they do not realize, though, is how little Dartmouth is going to miss them.

“Just fucking graduate already,” said Mark Lafferty ’11, the House Manager of his fraternity. “If I could take a shovel and move these assholes out of the house, I would. I have a little calendar set up in my room with X’s counting down the days to graduation. That’ll be the happiest day of my life: when I never have to deal with those fat pieces of shit ever again.”

Fraternity Invents New Pong Defense Mechanism

“If you don’t like their rules, whose would you use?”

-Charlie Brown

Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity had a problem. Although they had never been renowned as a top house for pong, their cache had slipped even farther in the past two weeks after a series of embarrassing pong defeats in their own basement at the paddles of brothers from other houses. Alex Nichols ’11, SAE president, was able to play off the first few isolated losses as “flukes” because “some kids just suck at pong” or “I’m pretty sure the other team played Masters.” However, when a pair of brothers from Zete, a house that doesn’t even play pong, ran table for 9 games despite the fact that one of the Zetes passed out after 5, Nichols realized change was needed.

Breaking: Your Personal Life Deemed Irrelevant to Class Discussion

Despite a longstanding history and a wealth of assumptions on your part that indicate otherwise, neither your revelatory off-term in Africa, the dynamics of your family situation, nor any other tidbit of information regarding your personal life is actually in any way relevant to the reading you didn’t do for your 10A. This game-changing information may come as a surprise to you, since up to this point no professor has ever straightforwardly addressed how inane your baseless opinions appear to everyone else, probably out of respect for social graces (a term which is also likely unfamiliar to you; look it up on Urban Dictionary).

Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

The Dunyun makes me giggle so much and I have Disagreed on all Berry computers with any negative Bored At Baker posts. I posted yesterday, "The Dunyun, more like the Funnyun" and it looks like oh someone Trashed it. Wait, Michelle is not fat; this site is mean.

I am in a pretty funny situation though and need some advice from my favorite Dunyun writer. I can't find a Stephen Briggs in the DND entry; who are you? Are you cute? I also notice you haven't written a real Dunyun in 3 weeks; where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone.

Facebook Welcomes Spring to Dartmouth

Facebook officially welcomed spring to Hanover this weekend. In a flurry of activity brought on by temperatures in the 80s, Facebook helped the student body make a smoothe transition from 10W to 10S.