Dun-on-Dun with Jim Gusanoz

Hey Jim. How are you today?

What's going on Stephen? Am I taking this to Sphinx again?

Wait, are you serious? I wore a mask at the door.

You call from the same phone every time Briggs. I put it together. What can I get you?

Shit. Actually nothing right now. Can you answer a few questions for The Dunyun?

Not too many. We're getting killed tonight and frickin' Brendan took off without telling anyone. So it's just me driving the Chip Chariot tonight.

How'd you start at Gusanoz?

Well, I grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, homeless, with a drug-addicted mother and absentee father. My size caught the eye of a local football coach who enrolled me in a private Christian school. I struggled with friends but met SJ, a first-grader, who took me under his wing and into his family's home. After some debate about my rough past and ethnicity, they adopted me as a child and pushed me to play football. I eventually got offered a full scholarship to the Ole Miss Rebels. I however chose to work at C & As in Hanover.

Why'd you leave C & As for Gusanoz?

I couldn't deal with all the garlic knot orders for floor meetings, Alumni lectures on "Getting Paid by Gatorade" and Professor roundtables about "Building Robots for Haiti." UGAs also don't tip shit out of their frickin' JIP funds. I wanted frat and frat wants burritos so Gusanoz was my spot.

What's your last name?

Gusanoz.

You've developed quite a following on campus. Jim Gusanoz: Delivery We Can Believe In. Any political aspirations?

Well alright now. I'll let you guys take care of that and I'll just keep delivering.

What's the most ridiculous order you've ever received?

2 Especials, a gram of cocaine, 1/8 of marijuana, and a Gingerale. $200 with Tip and Tax. I mean, no order. Come on, this isn't the Basement.

Is it true you're looking to take out EBAs as the late-night chief?

I heard they have punch cards now. I just hate them so much.

Who does your hair?

The wind from my car window.

What happened that night you guys got robbed?

These two hooded kids caught me counting the daily pull on a night without num-chucks. My hand-to-hand isn't what it used to be so I gave up the $75 on the table. Let's just say we count the big bills behind the counter now. And I'm pretty sure they're the same guys who stole my bike last year. Probably that dread-locked goon from EBAs and some other EB-Thug. I just hate EBAs so much.

Is it true you're speaking at graduation?

No. That would be Jim Kim.