Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

I'm really excited for Green Key but I'm worried about navigating the Green scene. You're in my 'stronomy class and we crushed that Where's Pluto? Lab together, so hopefully you remember me. But what goes down this weekend?

I'm bringing like 8 friends up from home. I know there are mad alumni but you think we'll be able to get some pong in? Oh and dude, is there anyway you could swing by Stan and Son's and snag me a 30 of Bud, a 6-pack of something nice, and some Baked Lays? I'll pay you back of course; I've got mad DDS to burn so dinner on me one or two nights. That'll be clutch because we're probably just going to want to chill, watch Animal House maybe, and sip on some brews before braving the Green scene.

I told them to come Thursday or Friday, but what do you think? Correct me if I'm wrong but Thursday has "Yeah That's My Bed...Don't Leave" tails at AXA, Red, White, and Boob Bash at TDX, Patio Critters at the U, and who knows what else! But Friday is Phi Delt's famous Phinding Nemo party, some historical figure at GDX, and Gettin' Gammered at Chi Gam. I definitely feel like we're in a good situation though.

My floor also throws the sickest pre-games and we're having one Saturday. It's in the River so it's a bit of a walk for most people. We usually start them around 10 but this is the Key, so what about 9? We don't want to hurt Heorot's scene though; is this too early?

And shit, I just realized I have a big Sociology presentation with 3 seniors on the Monday after the Key. Do I just not do the presentation? There is no way I'll be able to meet up with these guys. It's the Key, come on.

Oh and sorry to change the subject, but I saw one of my friends on the porch at AD. Um, does that mean he already got a bid? I missed the Rush barbecue and sent an apology letter to the Rush chairs. You think it'll be alright? Shit I can't believe I flaked it up already.

Also, is there anyway I could start writing for The Dunyun? I used to do this stuff all the time for my high school paper and I think I could definitely bring the funny. We'll talk more later but for my first article, New Frat Opens On Campus FOR NERDS. Yeah? Let me know.

Thanks,

Fred the Freshman '13

P.S. What's a clitoris?

Dear Fred,

I have no idea who you are. I'll be very brief.

Pong is going to be very difficult this weekend because Alumni crave table and upper-classmen struggle on the dance floors and retreat back to the tables. I recommend calling a line and then playing flip-cup, dice, or drink the beer all night.

I am not buying you beer. Ask James Engle.

Nobody cares about your Floor Party. I hope it gets busted.

The Seniors already e-mailed the Prof and got an extension. Welcome to Dartmouth.

Your bid at AD is gone. No barbecue, no frat.

And as far as writing for The Dunyun, we have four right now. You can grab next?

Best,

Stephen Briggs '12

P.S. A clitoris is a rare Pokemon, only found on the Cinnabar Islands.