'13 Confused Why Couple Brought No Books To Stacks

In the midst of a late study session for his Econ 22 midterm, Mike Virgen '13 observed a male and female enter his Stacks level with "no books, not even book bags".

Virgen commented, "I had been studying a while so maybe my memory is cross-faded but yeah, nothing at all. They sat down a few seats away from me and started giggling. Public speaking midterm maybe?"

While the couple giggled in the corner, Virgen's computer died and although both having "absolutely nothing on them", he felt bold and asked the Couple if either had a charger.

The male responded, "You're gonna have to give me 20 minutes sauce boss. I'll get you some juice then."

AD Embraces Honesty; Replaces “Super Tails” with “Gettin’ Tail(s)”

Controversy arose on the Greek scene this week when Alpha Delta Fraternity decided to change the theme of its termly tails event “Super Tails” to “Gettin’ Tail(s).” The guest list, which previously included the three sororities deemed most “dick-hardening” by general consensus of the brothers, has been reformed to include girls across campus who are “most likely to actually get it wet,” Arthur Andrews ’10, social chair of AD, explained to the Dunyun. Now, instead of having open season on unwitting pledges from KDE, Kappa, and TriDelt, the brothers are only inviting women who “really know what they’re getting themselves into. You very well may be ejaculated on at a moment’s notice. Not all girls are down with that, surprisingly.”

Man Has Unbelievable Sex with Incredibly Hot Yoga Instructor

    On Tuesday night, at approximately 9:43 p.m., Doug Wallace ’12, in the culmination of literally days of effort, had amazing sex with his wickedly hot yoga instructor, Jeanie Martin ‘11. This entire plot was set in motion when Wallace signed up for the yoga class with the express purpose of meeting women.
    Wallace’s plans were well thought-out. In his historic Four Point Plan, he laid out the foolproof framework that led him to success.
    “First, everybody knows that hot chicks do yoga,” said Wallace. “Second, yoga makes these chicks flexible. And that translates directly into sexual ability. I’ve had sex with so many women, that settling for having regular sex again is just something I can’t deal with.”

Man Finds Clitoris Thanks to Campus-wide Email

    Larry Winters ’11 never thought he’d find the clitoris again. On the evening of Friday, January 22nd, he realized that he was unable to find the clitoris. It was something that had been entrusted to him by his girlfriend, Martha Jones ’11. Not being able to find it would be, according to Jones, “a big deal.”
    Winters knew that he had to find the clitoris, but did not want to send an email to the entire campus.
    “Well for one thing, I didn’t want to clog inboxes. Those ‘lost’ blitzes are so annoying. But I had to find it. There was also the shame of admitting that I couldn’t find it… I didn’t want to be like that girl who has to blitz out to campus and say that she lost her jacket at maybe TDX or maybe GDX and that it could be in that cute brother’s room at either place.”
    Before resorting to a campus-wide email, Winters decided to do everything he could to locate the clitoris. He started by asking his girlfriend.

Dick's House Renamed "House of Dick"

Dartmouth College Health Services' officials have voted to change campus health center Dick's House's name to House of Dick. DCHS spokesperson, Richard Johnson, commented, "We hate to get caught up in semantics, but we firmly believe that House of Dick gives a chiller, hipper, and more girthy image of our student health services."

All maladies will now be described in the "context of cock" and the center has rallied behind the motto, "Dick Makes You Sick".

Campus physician, Dr. Michelle Fingerhood, elaborated, "Pregnancy will now be known as poked by an unprotected dick. STDs: poked by a dirty dick. H1N1: fucked by swine dick. Strep: blew somebody with strep dick. Hangover: too drunk to get dicked last night."

Student Assembly Proposes Facebook Farmville App as an “Alternative Social Space”

For years now, there has been debate among the student body and those in the administration about the widespread social power of the Greek scene on Dartmouth campus. Many question whether it is healthy for thousands of 18-22 year olds to live in a frigid wasteland where the only outlet for relief from various emotional and psychological stresses is getting blackout drunk in fraternity basements on piss-flavored beer as often as possible, and the few dismal bars in town actually ID you, and the alternative entertainment options offered by the College include watching movies at the HOP, i.e. Superbad, so you can enjoy watching even younger kids get drunk instead of stooping to such illegal activity yourself, and wondering to yourself at night, “Where is the clitoris really? I hope I know by my wedding night,” and sometimes calling your parents but calling them “Dude” or “Bro” when a pretty girl walks by so she knows you’re legit even if you aren’t in that A-side frat, and pretending you have a lot of work to do so people don’t question why you are in the library on Friday night watching anime porn.

Cave Drawings Found Near Hanover Spark Governance Debate Amongst Alumni

The cave drawings found by Association of Sixty-Somethings (ASS) spelunkers last weekend have re-ignited the heated governance debate amongst alumni. The drawings, which have been carbon-dated to the 3rd century B.C., depict a group of men standing around a table. On one side of the table, there are more men than on the other.
Jonathan Robertson ’76, an outspoken critic of the “parity” side of the governance debate, says that the cave drawings show a clear precedent for the Board of Trustees’s 2007 addition of eight new charter trustees, removing the age-old parity between charter and alumni-elected trustees.
“The table is a clear representation of the Board,” said Robertson. “And the men on the left, who outnumber the men on the right, clearly show the charter trustees. And the men on the right are the alumni-elected Trustees.”

'13 Makes First-Ever Topside Condom Purchase, Magnum

In a move causing quite the gossip around campus, Jason Sykes ’13 purchased Magnum condoms from Topside late Wednesday night. This is the first documented contraception sale at the campus convenience store and “definitely foreshadowed getting some”, commented Conor Michaels, a Tuck student in the store at the time.

Sykes had already gained a name for himself on campus as a “ladies man”, when he invented (and boned) the “Sykes Seven: UGA, DOC leader, DDS Employee, arresting S and S officer, Dick’s House nurse, and officers at Tri-Delt and KDE”. Multiple floormates have complained of "excessive moaning", which Sykes shrugged off as "just jealousy because they can't pull."

Roommate Jeff Tulio ’13 noted, “I mean I know Jason was boning regularly, but this is just such a public display of poon. He kept asking for Magnums at floor meetings, but our UGA refused to buy them for him after they stopped doing the In N Out burger.”

’12 Tridelt Winter Pledge: “I’m Pretty Now, Right?”

After a full three months of gut-wrenchingly embarrassing unaffiliation, Meg Daniels ’12 was able to secure a bid from Delta Delta Delta sorority this week and, in a recent press conference held live on boredatbaker.com, demanded to know whether or not she’s attractive now. Daniels, who dropped out of fall rush and canceled her winter Foreign Study Program after receiving preference night invites to Alpha Phi and Kappa Delta, posted her name at strategic intervals in order to get instant feedback on her new status in the ranks of campus socialites. The posts included “Meg Daniels?”, “Meg Daniels a/d”, “Who are the new Tridelts? I want to bang all of them”, and “Meg Daniels – hot? For the love of god please respond.”

“It’s not that I’m so shallow that I allow what a group of girls and, by association, the rest of campus thinks of my appearance control my every action and emotion,” said Daniels in an interview at Collis Café, “it’s just that fall term really sucked and I’d love to know how much hotter I am now that my sweatpants have letters on the butt.” Indeed, fall sorority rush drew heavy criticism around campus when over 100 girls dropped out due either to sickness or not getting bids from their first-choice houses. For many sophomore girls, including Daniels, Tridelt was a top choice due to its status among the “Big Three” sororities known for attractive members. “I think most of our pledges rush for reasons besides this silly heteronormative ‘rank’ perception,” claimed Tridelt rush chair and Art History major Stephanie Collins ’11, “there’s the sisterhood, and….um….we all really love each other a lot. Oh, and we have tails with Psi U on Friday.”

Haitians Show an Outpouring of Support for Phi Delt

Though the small island country of Haiti may be a world away from our little College on the Hill, an inspiring act of charity last weekend made many reconsider what it means to be part of the human community. When the victims of the devastating earthquake that wreaked havoc on Haiti heard of the tragic state of the Phi Delta Alpha house right here on campus, charred and uninhabitable, they answered the call for help. Following the earthquake that destroyed much of the country last Tuesday and left an estimated 100,000 to 200,000 people dead, a group of nearly eight thousand Haitians who had received donations of clothing, food, and basic supplies rallied together to send those supplies straight to the town of Hanover, New Hampshire, to help the brothers of Phi Delt recover from their own crisis.
David Jeffs ’10, president of Phi Delt, expressed his gratitude at the compassionate move. “It is truly a saintly act to give to those who have so little. After the Haitians did that for us, I just had to do my part and send some ITunes gift cards their way. I sent a fruitcake too. I hope no one’s allergic to nuts!”

Crime Committed at Winter Rush; Girl Not Let into Kappa

    Late on Monday night, Hanover Police responded to a call from Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority, where “a crime [had] been committed by not letting Susie Samuelson ’12 into Kappa.” The aforementioned girl, who sources indicate is “the nicest girl in the world,” was only denied entry to the sorority “because she isn’t cookie-cutter blonde and doesn’t have the same social cache as other girls” who were given bids to the sorority.
    When Hanover Police arrived at the scene, they found Riana Jacobs ’11 standing in front of the assembled sisterhood, crying and wailing hysterically.
    “This was bad,” said one of the police officers who was present. “I’ve dealt with some pretty messed up stuff in my time. Stuff that you probably can’t publish because it would be too offensive.”
    This is The Dunyun, bitch. Try me.

Croo Shows to be Replaced by Public Group Masturbation

In an effort to revamp the decades-old tradition of greeting new students about to embark on their first-year DOC trips with colorful skits and musical numbers, Trips Director Allison Stamford ’09 proposed yesterday that H Croo and Lodj Croo perform public group masturbation next Fall rather than the “same old song and dance.” Though greeted with skepticism by some in the Administration, the reaction by most students heavily involved in Trips has been overwhelmingly accepting and even enthusiastic. Stamford, a former H Croo Chief herself, explains, “Let’s be honest, it’s pretty much the same thing.”

Misleading BlitzMail Subject Line Leads to Erroneous Boner

    According to a report by Dartmouth Safety & Security, student Ken Jenkins ’12 fell victim to BlitzMail crime last Wednesday after he opened an e-mail message from another Dartmouth student, who has been identified as Kelli Brown ’11. Jenkins is the latest in a long line of students who have been preyed upon by devious peers who are willing to employ any means necessary to locate their North Face jackets, including blackmail, libel, identity theft, and misdemeanor sexual assault.
    The victim was drawn to the e-mail message by its subject line, “I Want to Fuck,” accompanied by Brown’s name in the “Sender” column. Jenkins had been romantically interested in Brown since midway through the Fall term, when she brushed up against him in the Food Court grill line as she reached to grab her Tuna Melt. Jenkins experienced what Safety and Security is describing as “being past the boner of no return” when he opened the message and it continued: “…ing kill whoever took my North Face. Please PLEASE return it, I promise there will be a reward!”

Byrne Family to Outdo Itself and Donate “Byrne III”

    In an unprecedented display of philanthropy and lack of shame, the Byrne family will pay for the third College building to be named in honor of itself, Byrne III, succeeding Byrne II, the residence hall in McLaughlin, and Byrne, the dining hall for the Tuck School of Business. The numbering of his buildings, according to a representative of the Byrne family, is for the convenience of students. It eliminates any confusion over which of the many buildings that he donated someone would be referring to. It has, the representative said in an interview with The Dunyun, “absolutely nothing to do with self-calling.”
    The problem of confusing Dartmouth buildings with the same name has been around for ages. For years, seasoned seniors have shown up to Thayer Dining Hall and been confused why there was no Robotics class. One member of the Class of 2011 reported that when a friend told her to meet by McLane before heading to the river, she walked all the way to McLane Ski Lodge before realizing her mistake. It would be obvious, said the Byrne family representative, how anyone could mistake an engineering school for a dining hall, or an undergraduate dorm for a ski lounge. Many students have gone to Rauner, the freshman dorm, looking for rare books, only to be disappointed. Or, in the case of the two Byrne buildings on campus, anyone could mistake a graduate student dining hall for a freshman dorm. Really, anyone could easily make that mistake.

UGA Wants To Know How Your Term's Going

In the interest of keeping track of your overall mental health and creating a positive living environment for all of his residents, your UGA Phil Lee ’10 is reportedly planning on stopping by with some cookies to find out how your term’s going. While he plans on talking casually while leaning on your door frame wearing a backwards cap, Lee admits that his questions will actually be directed towards gauging your stress levels and determining if the combination of pledge term and three courses is causing you to become depressed or consider suicide.

With a “big” floor meeting planned for Sunday evening, Lee decided to make the rounds of his floor with his “happiness barometer” to get an idea of how to handle the weekend gathering. “I usually just pass around a bag of candy or get a few 2-liters of soda, but if people are feeling particularly down this week I might break the bank and dip into the cluster fund for some EBAs,” Lee explained, “maybe even hot chocolate and trust falls. I don’t want to get too crazy though.” Lee also notes that he is always open to suggestions for how improve the community gatherings, though as of yet he has made no moves toward the submitted themes of “strippers” or “hookers and blow.” Despite consistently low attendance at floor meetings in the fall, Lee believes that the combination of new residents and the “winter blues” will cause record participation in icebreaker games from residents seeking a “fun and relaxed brain break.”

Facebook Chat To Replace Blitz Mail

Effective February 1, 2010, Facebook Chat will replace Blitz Mail as the primary campus mode of communication. BlitzMail’s outdated interface and constant glitches have prompted calls for change in recent years, but the recession economy has made the desired change a reality.

Trustee Member Don Harper ’76 noted, “BlitzMail cost the college nearly $35,000 a year, while Facebook (Chat) is a free service, already utilized by much of campus. This is now the difficult transition period though, where mass ‘friending’ will have to be done.”

Facebook will allow students to view images of their friends, classmates and teachers while chatting, thereby fostering a much more personal connection. Privacy settings may have to be altered though, as Facebook will become much more academic.

Stephen Brock ‘10 commented, “What’s nice is that there will be no more drunk blitzes to that ’13 you played pong with, because we won’t be Facebook friends. And I’ll pass out before she accepts my Request anyways. So no more soiling.”

Campus Amazed Phi Delt Cared Enough to Evacuate

Following the devastating fire on Sunday morning that caused significant damage to Phi Delta Alpha’s physical plant, the campus is left reeling at the news that the brothers actually evacuated and do not plan to continue living in the ash-coated rubble that remains.

“I’m in shock, really,” said Andrew Whistler ’12, who almost pledged the fraternity but, due to his fear of the “really hard pledge term,” went Sig Ep instead. “It’s just amazing that no one was hurt. I mean, those dudes don’t give a s***. Their favorite drink comes from a trashcan. This was Sunday morning. How could it be that not a single one of them was having morning sex with some chick from the night before? I mean, oh yeah, it’s Phi Delt. But still, how could it be that nobody was passed out in that chimney, or too stoned to get out in time? I would have guessed most Phi Delts would just be like ‘Gimme ten more minutes,’ but I guess they took the evacuation seriously. It’s a miracle. Maybe they told them the first 5 dudes to make it outside would get bids to AD.”

TDX ‘11 Issues Formal Apology for Partying

    Upon waking up Sunday afternoon to discover that he had vomited on his roommate’s couch as well as all over the public bathroom, had loud sexual intercourse that his next-door neighbors were forced to listen to, and had then sent an e-mail to his future employer explaining how drunk he was, Josh Johnson ’11, a member of Theta Delta Chi fraternity, said, simply, “sorry for partying.” According to his roommates, his next-door neighbors, his future employer, and even the aforementioned girl, this “made everything better.”
    “It showed great maturity that he was able to apologize for his actions,” said Bob Martin, the custodian for Wheeler Hall, of which Johnson is a resident. “I see cases like this all the time, and normally the kids are really embarrassed about the whole thing, or they go into these long apologies and stutter, but I don’t have the time to listen to that. I appreciate that Josh was able to clearly and succinctly state his apology.”

Dartmouth Secure Knows You're Watching Porn

In a stunning breach of security, thousands of Dartmouth Computing Service blitzes were released today, revealing that Dartmouth Secure and Dartmouth Public administrators are very aware of adult site visitation.

In one of the blitzes, head of Dartmouth Computing Services, Barney Krump writes to a fellow employee, “This Tuck student James Randon has watched seventeen RedTube videos today. Holy shit man. Kid must get no ass!”

The release of the e-mails was triggered by a Trojan Horse that attacked a Dartmouth Computing Service employee’s computer. There have been allegations that the Employee member was actually browsing RedTube when the Horse attacked and “should have gotten a Mac”. 

A blitz from DCS employee Nigel Thorne reads, “These kids watch so much porn. Like look at this history: Porn Hub, Wikipedia, The Economist, Red Tube, Wall Street Journal, You Jizz. Study and jerk it. That’s all some of these kids must do. Disgusting.”

Keystone Light Found to Contain Urine; Nobody Notices

Dartmouth undergrads Lily Buck ’11 and Joseph Schneider ’11 have discovered that the primary ingredient contained in Keystone Light beer is, in fact, urine. The students are Presidential scholars at the College who have been conducting scientific research for the last term under the guidance of their faculty mentor Dr. Jonathan Weiss. Their work focuses on an evaluation of the nutrition of Dartmouth students, including research on the potential fatal risks to Alpha Delta pledges’ health from eating Billy Bobs every day, the advantages and disadvantages of certain members of Kappa Kappa Gamma subsisting on a diet of only semen, cocaine, and salad, the phenomenon of freshmen women steadily gaining thirty to forty pounds over the course of their undergraduate experience, the detoxification properties of “booting and rallying,” and why eating at Collis always seems to result in uncontrollable flatulence. These and other research topics have resulted in varied and sometimes surprising results, but perhaps the most universally relevant of these is the recent finding that Keystone Light contains 45% urine.

Football Team to be Given “Thanks for the Curve” by Palaeopitus

    On Tuesday afternoon, in a move announced by Palaeopitus Chief Delegate Ryan Washington ’10, the senior society will move to offer sincere thanks to the Dartmouth football team “for the curve.” Although the reasons behind the decision and the methods that will be employed for showing the thanks are unclear, critics are universally hailing the move as one that will bring Dartmouth closer together.
    The whole idea for the thanks, said Washington, dates all the way back to his freshman fall, when he was taking an introductory Astronomy course.
    “I was freaking out,” Washington said. “I had studied and everything, but I was completely drawing a blank on the answers. Then I turned to stretch and saw that the entire back two rows of the class were football players. And I thought, ‘Man. I really need to thank them for the curve.’”

All Phi Delts Have “Ridiculously Hot Girlfriends Back Home”

In a recent Survey Monkey study, it was discovered that the notoriously female-free Phi Delta Alpha fraternity is actually filled with taken men. Jeff I. Melght ’10 commented, “Yeah we get all this shit for pissing in girl’s pockets and never having chicks in the basement. But the truth is, we’ve all got ridiculously hot girlfriends back home.”

Jeffrey Melt ’11, sophomore summer president, added, “When we hang out over breaks, it’s absurd how hot some of these girls are. Like I’d say my girlfriend back home is maybe an 8; I’m more of a personality guy. But some of my bros have straight up dimes for girlfriends.”

Phi Delta Alpha has a history of inviting only dudes to Tails, rarely getting asked to semis and formals, and awkwardly staring at the token chick in the basement.

Jerry Emmel ’10, vice-president of da Delt, clarified, “See there’s the common misconception. We are not actively pursuing girls on campus. I would never want to cheat on my girlfriend. She’s ridiculously hot. So we have tried to create an environment where there is no temptation. If only chicks would stop coming to Reds.”

100% Absence Rate Follows College’s Successful Public Health Anti-Swine Flu Campaign

Healthcare professionals and failed dental hygienists alike at Dick’s House celebrated today at the news that their tireless public health fight against the spread of influenza-like illness has garnered successful results. The numerous signs posted around campus warning students in bold, serious caps lock to “STOP” and re-evaluate whether they feel sick before venturing into public appear to have had a perfect success rate today when every single Dartmouth student missed the first day of classes. Though many professors are lamenting the total absence of all students from class, the dedicated employees of the campus health center are touting this day as a momentous breakthrough in the prevention of a campus-wide epidemic.

GPA Officially Found to be Inversely Correlated to Penis Size

In a joint effort between Student Assembly’s Course Review system and researchers at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, a new report has been released that indicates a nearly perfect inverse correlation between penis size and grade point average. The study did not indicate any causality in this relationship, although future research has been planned in this direction.
Many heritage groups on campus have caused an uproar over the racial implications of such a finding. However, as causality has not been established, the racial implications as far as stereotypes are still inconclusive. However, as one defender of the research said, “Stop complaining, all of you. Either way, you win. Think about it.”