Man Has Unbelievable Sex with Incredibly Hot Yoga Instructor

    On Tuesday night, at approximately 9:43 p.m., Doug Wallace ’12, in the culmination of literally days of effort, had amazing sex with his wickedly hot yoga instructor, Jeanie Martin ‘11. This entire plot was set in motion when Wallace signed up for the yoga class with the express purpose of meeting women.
    Wallace’s plans were well thought-out. In his historic Four Point Plan, he laid out the foolproof framework that led him to success.
    “First, everybody knows that hot chicks do yoga,” said Wallace. “Second, yoga makes these chicks flexible. And that translates directly into sexual ability. I’ve had sex with so many women, that settling for having regular sex again is just something I can’t deal with.”
    When asked for the names of some of these women in his life, Wallace said, “A dude who’s not looking to get a rep as a manwhore doesn’t kiss and tell. Which brings me to my third point. Yoga is all about sensitivity. Chicks see you at yoga class and immediately assume that you’re really sensitive. They go nuts for that shit. Some guys waste their time learning how to play the guitar or write poetry to show women their sensitive side. WRONG. Just buy a yoga mat. It doesn’t even matter if you’re good. You can make jokes about how bad you are.”
    The fourth point to Wallace’s plan doesn’t have as much to do with success as it does with just enjoying life.
    “Chances are,” Wallace said, “that you aren’t going to be able to get with all the hot girls in your yoga class. Even the legendary bro Chad Armstrong was only able to get with, like, 75% of the girls in his yoga class. So watching these chicks do scandalous poses in Spandex is the closest thing you’re going to get to getting with some of these girls. So let your eyes wander.”
    Martin, Wallace’s latest victim, expressed her gratitude at finally being able to find a sensitive man on Dartmouth’s campus.
    “Why else would a guy like Doug come to yoga class unless he was really sensitive? It’s the same with every guy who comes through here. As soon as they lie on that yoga mat, it’s like they’re a different person and none of it matters. The fact that they’re sneaking peeks at every girl in the room isn’t creepy. The fact that they make a point to talk to the hottest girl in the room isn’t obvious. It’s even totally OK when they fart.”
    Wallace said he felt bad for other men who were “wasting their time” lifting weights and actually getting in shape.
    “Everybody knows that yoga isn’t actually exercise. Lifting weights might get you muscular or whatever, but how does that help with women? Sensitivity, dude. Sensitivity.”
    On the topic of the sex, Wallace simply said, “Unbelievable. It was just… I could try to describe it, but it just wouldn’t make sense to anybody who hasn’t done it with a yoga instructor. I had types of orgasms that I’ve never experienced before. You should totally try it.”
    Wallace said that he “has no idea” why other men don’t try this foolproof strategy.