'13 Makes First-Ever Topside Condom Purchase, Magnum

In a move causing quite the gossip around campus, Jason Sykes ’13 purchased Magnum condoms from Topside late Wednesday night. This is the first documented contraception sale at the campus convenience store and “definitely foreshadowed getting some”, commented Conor Michaels, a Tuck student in the store at the time.

Sykes had already gained a name for himself on campus as a “ladies man”, when he invented (and boned) the “Sykes Seven: UGA, DOC leader, DDS Employee, arresting S and S officer, Dick’s House nurse, and officers at Tri-Delt and KDE”. Multiple floormates have complained of "excessive moaning", which Sykes shrugged off as "just jealousy because they can't pull."

Roommate Jeff Tulio ’13 noted, “I mean I know Jason was boning regularly, but this is just such a public display of poon. He kept asking for Magnums at floor meetings, but our UGA refused to buy them for him after they stopped doing the In N Out burger.”


Floormate Christophe Sandeski '13 added, "Yeah, the other day I was trying to rub one out, you know, it helps me sleep, but freakin' Sykes is boning this chick and I can hear it loud and clear. Had to push through and finish up myself but shit was awk."

Store witnesses report that Sykes strolled confidently into the store, picked up an Arnold Palmer, some jerky, and then headed to that far-left aisle of sex. After browsing the regular-sized ones for a few moments, Sykes chuckled, patted his bulge, and then snagged a box of Magnums and Trojan UPCs (Uncircumcised Penis Collection), “complete with clasps to hold back the foreskin for maximized pleasure”.
      
Sykes thrusted towards the check-out where he instructed the clerk, Michael Thomson ’11, “What’s up chief? Only condo I got left is in Boca, so I had to snag some more. You feel me?”
           
Thomson swiped the condoms and Sykes alerted him to “put it on DASH, because I’ll be on the Topside soon enough” and then offered his fist for a knuckle touch.

The clerk refused to "pound it" and asked, “Do you want a bag with that?” which Sykes quickly answered, “No thank you. Back-pocket bro.”

Sykes proudly exited the store and was later seen entering Dartmouth Hall for “orifice hours with his drill instructor”. Got there.