100% Absence Rate Follows College’s Successful Public Health Anti-Swine Flu Campaign

Healthcare professionals and failed dental hygienists alike at Dick’s House celebrated today at the news that their tireless public health fight against the spread of influenza-like illness has garnered successful results. The numerous signs posted around campus warning students in bold, serious caps lock to “STOP” and re-evaluate whether they feel sick before venturing into public appear to have had a perfect success rate today when every single Dartmouth student missed the first day of classes. Though many professors are lamenting the total absence of all students from class, the dedicated employees of the campus health center are touting this day as a momentous breakthrough in the prevention of a campus-wide epidemic.

Sandra Barnes, Assistant to the Director of Health Services Jack Turco, rejects many professors’ concerns as “short-sighted narcissism,” continuing, “We prefer that everybody just lays low in their room until they either feel better or they feel so sick that they have to go to a real hospital so it’s off our hands. The fewer students that go to class and spread their contagious whatchamacallits to everybody else, the better. Sure, college is about education, but mostly it’s about avoiding death. I’m proud to say I work in a school where students make that their first priority.” Turco himself was unavailable for comment as he is currently experiencing a sniffly nose and itchy throat, which may or may not be a sign of an influenza-like illness which may or may not be the H1N1 virus which may or may not be deadly.

The signs posted around campus were distributed by Dick’s House in an effort to deter those with symptoms of an influenza-like-illness from spreading any contagions in class or other public areas. The idea first developed when the health center found themselves fielding more and more complaints about symptoms that sounded suspiciously like symptoms of Swine Flu, which are similar to symptoms of general influenza, the common cold, and hangovers. Barnes explains, “When we first put those signs up, it was because we were tired of students always coming to us and looking for a definitive diagnosis or some kind of medical relief, as if we have the capabilities to cure diseases! We aren’t God. The standard prescription of a ginger ale, a couple of Tylenol and a bagel just wasn’t working anymore. More and more students were insisting that we test them for H1N1, which everybody knows would just send campus into a panic. Plus, they always wanted late-morning or afternoon appointments, and Dick’s House can only accommodate patients between the hours of 6 A.M. and 8:30 A.M.”

The idea to post the signs as a warning and reassurance that any feeling of “sickness” is a legitimate excuse to skip out on any and all responsibilities for a couple of days was first posed by Doctor Jennings, Director of Counseling and Health Resources. Jennings explains, “We just don’t have the capabilities to actually treat each and every student who exhibits the warning signs of a potentially dangerous illness. I, for one, got lucky because my parents named me Doctor. That allows me to avoid certain questions about whether I technically have a medical license or officially finished high school. Other employees are not so fortunate, and they have to bumble around looking like idiots and advising students to carry Kleenex and keep cough drops handy. That medical advice is not legitimate enough to avoid liability later on down the road if, God forbid, someone were to die of Swine Flu or something. So I thought, why not be Big Brother? Why not constantly remind them to avoid all human contact? That way nothing can spread at all, and we can say ‘told ya so’ if worst comes to worst.”

At this point, it is unclear whether the trend towards total abandonment of all responsibilities that require leaving the dormitory will continue, but so far students seem passionately dedicated to their health. Dick’s House employees expect absences of 90% and above for the rest of winter term, if all goes as planned and none of the signs are torn down. Some professors are attempting to accommodate their more health-conscious students by providing all of their lectures online, while other traditionalists reject the idea outright and continue to insist that class attendance is a necessity. To those professors in the latter category, Barnes pleads, “Stop! Do you feel sick?! STAY HOME. Oh, whoops, um, wait, sorry. Force of habit. I meant, I hope you get terminally ill, you narrow-minded pro-Swiners.”