TDX ‘11 Issues Formal Apology for Partying

    Upon waking up Sunday afternoon to discover that he had vomited on his roommate’s couch as well as all over the public bathroom, had loud sexual intercourse that his next-door neighbors were forced to listen to, and had then sent an e-mail to his future employer explaining how drunk he was, Josh Johnson ’11, a member of Theta Delta Chi fraternity, said, simply, “sorry for partying.” According to his roommates, his next-door neighbors, his future employer, and even the aforementioned girl, this “made everything better.”
    “It showed great maturity that he was able to apologize for his actions,” said Bob Martin, the custodian for Wheeler Hall, of which Johnson is a resident. “I see cases like this all the time, and normally the kids are really embarrassed about the whole thing, or they go into these long apologies and stutter, but I don’t have the time to listen to that. I appreciate that Josh was able to clearly and succinctly state his apology.”
    Johnson’s roommates were especially impressed by his statement. Not only did it “completely make up for the fact that [they] spent [their] entire afternoon cleaning up Josh’s [vomit] and finding new articles of clothing from that [obese girl] that Johnson [had sexual intercourse with],” but also eradicated any doubts that they had in their mind about the fact that Johnson did, in fact, party the night before. His candor about his apology also showed the regularity with which he parties, a habit that his roommates decided to subsequently emulate.
    “I’m still reeling with the mental puzzle of trying to figure out how much Josh cares,” said Alex Gardner ’11, Johnson’s roommate. “I mean, he clearly cares, because he took the time to apologize for his partying. But he also can’t care too much, because he said it in such an aloof way. It just screamed to me, ‘I care, but I don’t actually care.’ However much that caring actually is, it’s fratty as f***.”
    Johnson’s sexual partner, a female member of the Class of 2010 who wished to remain anonymous but who this reporter can confirm is a true troll, said that she was glad that she had been “caught up in Josh’s tornado of partying” and didn’t even mind that he had sent an e-mail to his fraternity detailing his sexual exploits of the night before. The e-mail was signed, “Sorry for partying – J-Bone.”
    “I’d heard that Josh partied a lot,” said the ’10 girl. “But this blew my mind. He was so… blasé about his partying. And he’s only an ’11! Just imagine how much apologizing for partying he’ll have to do his senior year.” In regards to the e-mail to Theta Delt, the girl was not ashamed. “That was so much facetime in Theta Delt. Ever since my freshman fall, I’ve always wanted lacrosse players to talk about what we had done sexually the night before in a public forum. Now that entire fraternity knows who I am! I’m expecting lots more attention from boys after this. And I just know that my mother would be proud. And he signed the e-mail, “Sorry for partying,” so I’m willing to forgive any minor shame that accompanies this. Oh, and also, for the record, he threw up after we had sex, so he still totally knew what he was doing when we were [fornicating].”
    When asked whether this incident would have any impact on future partying, Johnson said, “What I see now is that I can party as much as I want, and as long as I apologize the next day, it’s cool. I can’t believe nobody’s thought to just apologize for partying before. It really does solve all problems.”
    Even Johnson’s future employer, Big Brother Big Sister, felt that as long as he apologized for his partying, anything he did was morally excusable.