All Phi Delts Have “Ridiculously Hot Girlfriends Back Home”

In a recent Survey Monkey study, it was discovered that the notoriously female-free Phi Delta Alpha fraternity is actually filled with taken men. Jeff I. Melght ’10 commented, “Yeah we get all this shit for pissing in girl’s pockets and never having chicks in the basement. But the truth is, we’ve all got ridiculously hot girlfriends back home.”

Jeffrey Melt ’11, sophomore summer president, added, “When we hang out over breaks, it’s absurd how hot some of these girls are. Like I’d say my girlfriend back home is maybe an 8; I’m more of a personality guy. But some of my bros have straight up dimes for girlfriends.”

Phi Delta Alpha has a history of inviting only dudes to Tails, rarely getting asked to semis and formals, and awkwardly staring at the token chick in the basement.

Jerry Emmel ’10, vice-president of da Delt, clarified, “See there’s the common misconception. We are not actively pursuing girls on campus. I would never want to cheat on my girlfriend. She’s ridiculously hot. So we have tried to create an environment where there is no temptation. If only chicks would stop coming to Reds.”

Phi Delta Alpha’s pledge term is incredibly secretive, but there are rumors that a pledge activity involves “rekindling a flame with a girl back home”. Pledges do not become brothers until they are dating someone from high school and boot on a freshmen girl.

Jeff I. M. Elt ’12, a new brother at da Delt, noted, “Look, I didn’t come to college to hook-up. I’m here to study and meet some really sweet dudes. And Phi Delt offers that. I can fuck all I want back home with my ridiculously hot girlfriend.”

Michelle Nadine ’13 wandered into Phi Delt last night for Reds and was greeted by boos and “not that hot” chants from PDA brothers. She commented, “Not one of them hit on me or even looked at me. They just booed and booted. What the fuck.”

Dunyun reporters have begun an investigative study of Phi Delta Alpha fraternity brothers’ Facebook photos, with hopes of observing these “ridiculously hot girlfriends back home”. At press time, all brothers had restricted photo access.