Man Finds Clitoris Thanks to Campus-wide Email

    Larry Winters ’11 never thought he’d find the clitoris again. On the evening of Friday, January 22nd, he realized that he was unable to find the clitoris. It was something that had been entrusted to him by his girlfriend, Martha Jones ’11. Not being able to find it would be, according to Jones, “a big deal.”
    Winters knew that he had to find the clitoris, but did not want to send an email to the entire campus.
    “Well for one thing, I didn’t want to clog inboxes. Those ‘lost’ blitzes are so annoying. But I had to find it. There was also the shame of admitting that I couldn’t find it… I didn’t want to be like that girl who has to blitz out to campus and say that she lost her jacket at maybe TDX or maybe GDX and that it could be in that cute brother’s room at either place.”
    Before resorting to a campus-wide email, Winters decided to do everything he could to locate the clitoris. He started by asking his girlfriend.
    “That’s not my job,” said Jones. “I helped him find that thing for the first three months that we were dating. That’s his job now. But I’ll tell you this: he’d better find it, or we’re over.”
    Following some tips he learned on the Internet, Winters decided to look “under the hood.” Unsure what hood the Internet was talking about, Winters checked every hood he could think of. He went through Jones’s closet and checked every hooded sweatshirt she owned. He walked to A Lot and checked under the hood of Jones’s car. He even debated going to Washington, D.C., where Jones is from, to check if somehow the clitoris were under her “hood,” maybe in the tunnels of the metro system. But nothing was yielding any luck.
    “I’ve heard about people asking campus for help on things like this, and I know that it usually doesn’t help. I have lots of female friends who were embarrassed about losing their virginities, but eventually decided that it would be best to try to get it back. Something about sex appeal, they said. I don’t know. Anyways, they all eventually blitzed out to campus, and as far as I know, none of them has recovered their virginity. Although one of them did tell me that she ‘kind of’ recovered her virginity, whatever that means.”
    In crafting his email to the entire campus, Winters made sure to stress the clitoris’s “sentimental value.”
    “I figure, if everybody reads about the sentimental value of the clitoris to me, then they’ll try twice as hard to help me find it.”
    This strategy was borrowed from campus-wide emails that Winters had read, which cited the sentimental value of one item, and saying that “you can keep the other items.” For example, one recent campus-wide email said, “You can keep my cash, my credit cards, my driver’s license, and my wallet. But please, please give me the ticket stub from the Jonas Brothers concert back. It has a lot of sentimental value to me.”
    Eventually, out of sympathy for Winters’s cause, a friend of his pointed him in the direction of the clitoris, which, just like everything else that people lose on this campus, was right where he left it.