Vox Querentis: Wrong and THE WRONGEST

I have been done wrong. So Becky Gibson is this stuck-up, terrible girl with a whole group of cliquey friends that I’m not even about to try to talk to. They’re so mean and exclusive and they wouldn’t even let me join their Barbie Club EVEN THOUGH I served as loyal secretary to their Kittycat Tea Party Club for all of third grade. I spend most of my time talking to the assistant principal about how I think her and the Barbie Club are a downright poisonous element to the Adlai Stevenson Junior High community and in the meantime writing nasty letters about her to all my friends (and I know my loyal readers are used to seeing my anti-Becky opinions published in the weekly Fightin’ Amish newspaper, but today is reserved for the Jonas Brothers issue and I just don’t know where else I could publish an unsolicited and self-indulgent editorial on such short notice).

DREAM Extends Program to Choates, Eyes Move to River

The well-known community organization DREAM has announced an extension of its mentoring program to the dorms of the Choates cluster, and future plans to incorporate those of the River. DREAM at Dartmouth currently runs mentoring programs at Northwoods, Hollow Drive, and Windsor, all of which are local subsidized housing developments.

In its mission statement, DREAM states its goal of providing an opportunity for the children to “see new perspectives” and “take advantage of community resources.”

Although the inclusion of Dartmouth freshmen into the program will undoubtedly make for the oldest “mentees” in DREAM’s history, DREAM president Allie Gordon ’11 professed her optimism in positively affecting those students of the Choates.

Christmas Tree Given “Exempt” Status by PC Police

In a rare display of generosity and warmth, the PC Police voted unanimously this week to give the Christmas tree in the middle of the Green “exempt” status on its political incorrectness. Reasons cited for not making a big deal about the tree are “Christmas spirit”, “not ruining a good time”, and “too busy with finals”.

The PC Police could call out the tree on any number of grounds. The tree promotes a Christian-centric approach, as the most prominent location on campus is given over to a celebration of one specific religion. Other religions rarely get such prominent or long-lasting displays. But the tree in the middle of the Green is just so damn heart-warming, especially when it’s all lit up.

Dartmouth Holds Saturday Morning “Keyster Egg” Hunt for Hanover Youth

In a show of goodwill to the Hanover community, The Dartmouth Office of Community Relations (OCR) has organized a campus wide scavenger hunt for local children. The scavenger hunt, to be held Saturday morning, will be for crushed Keystones carefully hidden in bushes, gutters, and sidewalks around campus.

Giaccone launches new attack on Greek system, enlists PETA, admissions officers

Free the Dags.

Hanover Police has started looking for help from unlikely
sources in a new "creative" effort to "improve" the Greek
system, according to Nick Giaccone.

As the first step of the two-part plan--also known
as "Boost Webster"--representatives from People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals will be invited to visit
fraternities.

The Need to Be Engaged

Dartmouth girls need to wake up and realize that all boys at Dartmouth are looking for is a wife, point blank.

Let's back up a second. To be more exact, let's back up about two nights. I'm in the basement of Theta Delt, and I see a guy talking to girl. Let's call him Guy, and her Girl. He asks her to play pong. My friend, let's call her Friend, turns to me and comments about how he just wants to "get in her pants."

'14 Fails Midterm, Claims to Stop Caring

Upon arriving at Dartmouth, James Thornton '14 instantly declared his intention to pull the 4.0 and become a successful neurosurgeon so he could "get all the ass" that he felt had been denied to him ever since he became an overachiever in 3rd grade.

News in Brief

“Scream Save” Popularity on the Rise

The “scream save,” consisting of screaming while the pong ball hurdles imminently towards your cups (dropping the paddle is optional), has recently become a quite popular go-to move for Dartmouth students during games of pong. This challenging save takes great mental reflexes combined with poor physical coordination, as well as genuine concern about the consumption of Keystone and/or the loss of the game. Scream saves are expected to increase Kappa pong talent by up to 63% in any given game, and up to 80% when combined with team saves.

AD Starts Bidding War for Spots to Supertails 2011

Following the recent success of Supertails 2010, Alpha Delta Fraternity has decided to sell spots to Supertails next fall. Supertails, which normally pairs AD with the “top three” sororities, Delta Delta Delta, Kappa Delta Epsilon, and Kappa Kappa Gamma, has become an institution all of its own. The reputation of “the top three” now supercedes the actual sororities invited. Given this, AD Social Chair Bob Shandell ’11 has decided to sell spots to next year’s Supertails, knowing that any sorority in attendance will instantly be considered part of the social elite.

“Just think about it,” Shandell said. “Let’s say we didn’t sell these spots, but all of a sudden, Kappa wasn’t invited. Instead, Alpha Phi got invited. People would start to take notice. ‘Oh, maybe Alpha Phi’s on the rise. They’re pretty cool. They went to Supertails!’”

News in Brief

“Acquaintance Duped by Cleverly Suppressed Recipient List”

Like most Dartmouth students, Walter Clausen ’14 was not planning on going to the Sings a capella show on Monday night at Zete. However, when he received a personal blitz from his trippee, Sarah, whom he sits two rows behind in Writing 5, asking “I know we haven't talked in a while but it would really mean a lot to me if you came to my show tonight. We’ve all been working really hard and I have a solo ;) but I'm kindof nervous,” he relented. 

The Dunyun’s Guide to Pretending to be Good at Pong

Let’s face it, most of us aren’t good at pong. I know, there was that one time that you “held table for five games” or “sunk four cups in a row to seal an epic comeback” but you usually fail to mention all the blown leads and attempts at spin serves when you sheepishly hit a cup. As a certified expert in not being good at pong, I've compiled a guide on how to look like you are good at pong, even if that is obviously not the case. 

It starts with what most would consider the basics, yet many people somehow fail miserably. This is not looking stupid or douchy while playing and starts and ends with not getting overly competitive. Sure, if you're sinking a cup in Masters then feel free to let out a loud “Let’s Go” but I don’t want to hear it at 11:30 on a Monday night. This extends to throwing anything in anger: paddles, cups, your partner, etc.

Vox Querentis: Sorority Semi Scrape Scene Alliteration

Sorority Semis are witness to more scraping than a fraternity basement. This can be deduced observationally by observing the KDE semi and contrasting it to the concurrent Heorot Dance Party, or by examining eyewitness accounts and expert testimonials. Either way, the conclusion is the same: more intense scraping can be found at a sorority semi than at a fraternity dance party.

The expectations are much higher. You’re either going with a friend-date, or you’re a clear mismatch with your date and there’s no chance the chemistry will align long enough for you to slip your tongue in. You’ve spent your entire night watching the couples around you get cuter and cuter, eventually going from a cute pong celebration to a full-on dance floor makeout. The basement starts emptying out, and only the dregs are left.

Students Fail to Read Fine Print of ’11 Class Council Blind Date Offer; Are Bound to Name Lovechild “CC”

The 2011 Class Council has recently offered seniors the chance to go on a free blind date with each other. Students had to fill out a personality questionnaire that was kept “confidential”. Based on this questionnaire, students were matched with other seniors and given gift cards to buy a meal at a dining establishment in town. Students were confused about the reasons behind Class Council’s decision to sponsor awkward blind dates. They were confused, that is, until they read the fine print of Class Council’s binding offer. If a pairing set up by Class Council leads to procreation down the road, the child will legally be bound to be named “CC”. Sources speculate that this is an effort to cement the relevancy of Class Council.

Stickers Validate Hundreds of Students as Good People

Although most Dartmouth students are actually good people, rarely does an opportunity come along for students to outwardly showcase that fact. However, the presence of a blood drive, election, and bone marrow donor registration drive provided students with the rare opportunity to prove to everyone they see that they are willing to put forth at least minimal effort to make the world a better place.

Harrison Frazier ’12 was excited to let people know that, on a seemingly ordinary Tuesday, he saved upwards of four lives and exercised his constitutional right, “I can only wear my DREAM shirt so many days of the week so I need other ways to show girls that I'm sensitive and care about other people and shit like that.”

~*~*~*FALL FASHION UPDATE*~*~*~

As the only woman writing for a virulently sexist publication, I have rightfully been assigned the task of researching all of fall’s most exciting new fashions! Even though fall term is well underway and we’ve already seen snow (or read about it on other people’s Facebook statuses), don’t break out that sleeping bag with sleeves you call a coat just yet! Because new fall fashion trends are still on the rise.

'14 Wins Game of Pong, Becomes Insufferable Douche

After having been told by several upperclassmen frat bros at dimensions that pong skill was the key to "women, social capital and corporate recruitment", Alex Straus '14 was determined to take his game to the next level.

He spent his summer training intensely, playing "hydropong" for hours by himself, and used up most of orientation watching pong games absorbedly while jotting notes in a spiral notebook.

‘11s Fearing Impending End of Relevance*

Senior year has only barely just begun, and seniors are already starting to fear for the end of their relevancy on campus. We saw it happen to the ‘08s. And then the ‘09s. And most recently, the ‘10s. They became irrelevant long before they graduated.

It starts with social apathy. Seniors become too tired and bitter to go out on a regular basis. Or on any basis. Seniors hang out at off-campus houses. If they do make it out to the frats, they beeline for a brother’s room and hang out upstairs all night, unable to handle the crowds and the noise of the basement or even the first floor. Seniors become socially irrelevant.