~*~*~*FALL FASHION UPDATE*~*~*~

As the only woman writing for a virulently sexist publication, I have rightfully been assigned the task of researching all of fall’s most exciting new fashions! Even though fall term is well underway and we’ve already seen snow (or read about it on other people’s Facebook statuses), don’t break out that sleeping bag with sleeves you call a coat just yet! Because new fall fashion trends are still on the rise.

First up, you may have noticed new fads around campus for men’s fashion especially. Several Dartmouth boys have been seen sporting hillbilly wispstaches and carrying children’s lunchboxes, much in the way women carry purses. The look seems to have garnered major popularity as well as surprisingly great success in attracting the opposite sex. There are many theories regarding the sudden surge in the pseudo-homeless overgrown kindergartener appearance as well as the uncanny number of girls who are attracted to it. “I kept asking this guy in my class what was up with the look, and he finally gave me the lowdown,” explains Robbie Duke ’14. “Chicks love Tom Selleck. And chicks also love kids. So, like, by combining a child’s lunchbox with a masculine-ass Selleck stache, they figured out the ideal combination for maximum ass-getting potential.” Duke says he and a few of his buddies who “were definitely next in line for that table” have tried to follow their lead by sucking on pacifiers and smoking Marlboros at the same time, but so far the process has not proven nearly as “nut-effective.”

Another new male fashion trend is the inside-out gray sweatshirt and Uncle- Jesse-looking acid wash jeans along with Timberland boots. These studly new items will have anyone looking like he’s on his way to a cheap bar in no time, but be careful not to mix and match, gentlemen! This look must be worn as an ensemble, lest you fail to maintain a working man’s appearance for the first time before you all become IBankers. This is because, much like you have to play rugby to pledge AD, you have to sell your soul to pledge the ol’ Pussy Oops. Next.

Dartmouth women can get in on the fall fashion action too! Of course, fall has been marked by the return of the ever-appealing leggings and boots combo, but now you can add a new twist to your wardrobe with a blue bow. Young women all around campus have been spotted with these adorable little bows affixed to their heads, sometimes while riding in strollers. But keep in mind that confidence is key to pull this look off. ’14 girls have been spotted wearing these bows already, but the appeal of the look is lost when they start crying in Collis in response to glares and angry whispers from the table of ‘13s with blue bows next to them. No one likes smeared mascara, ladies!

Other popular looks this fall include matching t-shirts (for the classic “twin” look), fanny packs, and my personal favorite perennial fad: the bright red hat. The most popular way to wear this look in particular is in one hand while running swiftly away from its original owner. Remember, no matter how fashionable it may look, a red hat is entirely unnecessary to buy when there are plenty up for grabs all around campus. Be creative!