'14 Fails Midterm, Claims to Stop Caring

Upon arriving at Dartmouth, James Thornton '14 instantly declared his intention to pull the 4.0 and become a successful neurosurgeon so he could "get all the ass" that he felt had been denied to him ever since he became an overachiever in 3rd grade.

According to Thornton's roommate, Hunter Swanson '14, Thornton was somewhat unusual. "Jim said he had a curfew of like 9 since freshman year, and really anal parents. The kid has never looked at porn, drank, smoked, or played video games. It's like I'm living with a fucking monk."

However, Thornton's floormates say he was occasionally tempted. "The first two weeks, I never really saw him," says Julie Smith '14. "He would always come back to the floor all wired from caffeine and studying at like 8:30, and then talk to his parents for two and a half hours. When we started taking shots at 11 he would watch longingly but when we offered him some he'd say 'I don't drink' with this mournful expression. So weird."

A sudden behavioral shift occurred when after weeks of intense studying Thornton only received a 49 on his Chemistry midterm. "I just saw a chair get thrown out of a window and some kid yell 'DICKS!' several times in a row," said S&S officer Jacob Sharp. "But we're really only trained to bust floor parties and walk through frat basements and scrape kids off the floor. I wouldn't know what to do with someone actually going batshit crazy. They might hurt me." Upon entering the room, Sharp found Thornton rocking on the floor naked in the fetal position with the phrase 'I AM A FAILURE' scribbled upon his forehead with permanent marker. Unsure of how to respond, Sharp threw some Kleenex at him and then charged him with facilitation of underage drinking.

When interviewed by the Dunyun, Thornton had this to say about his breakdown: "I'll admit it was cathartic. I realized some things, like grades don't really matter. Who gives a shit? Definitely not me. I mean we all go to fucking Dartmouth, we'll be fine right? Freshman fall is really about making friends, hanging out, and it doesn't matter if you aren't the smartest kid anymore, regardless if that was what you based your entire identity off before. Right? I am going to rage so hard now. Like at least 6 times a week."

On Friday evening, Thornton was seen in the 1902 room of Baker library, periodically sending mass text messages to his friends such as "game 8 of tree, c'mon" and "blacked the fuck out...so standard."

-Kumar Kapoor '14