‘11s Fearing Impending End of Relevance*

Senior year has only barely just begun, and seniors are already starting to fear for the end of their relevancy on campus. We saw it happen to the ‘08s. And then the ‘09s. And most recently, the ‘10s. They became irrelevant long before they graduated.

It starts with social apathy. Seniors become too tired and bitter to go out on a regular basis. Or on any basis. Seniors hang out at off-campus houses. If they do make it out to the frats, they beeline for a brother’s room and hang out upstairs all night, unable to handle the crowds and the noise of the basement or even the first floor. Seniors become socially irrelevant.

Next to go are the positions. Soon enough, The D will be edited by a junior. Then other organizations will hand over the reins to underclassmen. Juniors will join secret societies, and will soon enough be officers in their Greek houses. We’ll have another SA election, and some snot-nosed junior punk will lead the student body.

Seniors will also become romantically irrelevant. Any relationships that didn’t end at the start of the year will begin to crumble, as the logistics of graduating and moving to the distant lands of New York or Boston become too difficult to imagine. Seniors will not become sexually irrelevant, however, making use of four years of sexual experience in seducing and then satisfying underclassmen and each other.

The solidification of jobs helps to cement increasing irrelevance. For the past couple years, upperclassmen have grown comfortable with being identified by their activities on campus, often a Greek affiliation and/or a sports team. “Oh, that’s John Johnson, he’s an ’11 in Beta on the baseball team.” By signing job offers, ‘11s are only erasing these labels and writing in their place real world labels. “Oh, that’s Jon Johnson. He’s in consulting.”

And so we pour one out, ’11 class, as we embrace irrelevance.

*Note: this is not satire.