Working at a Kosher Foods Emporium Guarantees Action; Trend Sweeps New York

A startling trend is overtaking cities across the Eastern Seaboard, especially the City of New York. Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, has called it “the most guaranteed way to get ass since the invention of the boy band.” “The Move,” as some bystanders have come to call it, is simply to go up to a girl and, in casual conversation, mention that you work at a Kosher Foods Emporium. This works best if you mention that you work specifically at Goldman Snacks Kosher Foods Emporium. Other Kosher Foods Emporiums that will guarantee action with a mention are Morgan Stanley’s Flatbread and Jacob P. Morgan’s Brisket Bank.

13s Try to Explain Pong to Friends at Home, Fail Miserably

Across America, ‘13s are experiencing their first prolonged time away from Hanover and are wondering how they ever lived in their hometowns. This transition away from Hanover has been difficult for many ‘13s. Chris Hampson ’13 unfortunately learned the hard way that crossing in the middle of the street in New York City is met with more than an awkward glance and wave. After finishing a project for his internship, David Justice ‘13 headed down to his basement to “hang out.” However, he was greeted with only stacks of boxes and a single hanging light bulb. Undaunted, he urinated in the corner.

To remedy this situation, many ‘13s have attempted to introduce aspects of Dartmouth into their home lives. ‘13s have accomplished this in different ways. Stacey Jackson ‘13, upon her arrival back home, began to only listen to Filligar and classify everything in her hometown as either a-side or b-side (mostly b-side). To ease the transition from DDS, John Stiefel ‘13 began to only pay food with his debit card and leave excessive tips to make the prices more “realistic.” 

Reason Behind Commencement Speaker Revealed

In the wake of the commencement speech by Stephen Lewis in which he revealed that he had indeed not cured cancer, starred in a major motion picture or secretly led a country, the college was forced to admit the real reason that he was chosen to give this year’s commencement address. Associate Dean Miranda Harris explained that Lewis was chosen simply because, “It would’ve been weird to have Jim Kim speak at his own college’s graduation.”

According to Harris, Jim Yong Kim was lined up to deliver a speech at the 2010 commencement about his revolutionary AIDS work as far back as two years ago. However, he was named president of Dartmouth College, putting the search committee in an awkward situation. Allen Todd, the chairman of the committee, explained, “We still wanted the speech to be about Jim Kim’s accomplishments but we couldn’t have Kim actually deliver the speech.”

Publication Ceased Until Summer Term

This will be the last issue of the Dunyun until summer term when we will be replacing the Daily Dunyun with the Irregular Dunyun. We leave you with some inspiration on how to spend your summer term, our plans, and a final article.

James Engle '11 wanted to be original in his summer plans, so he decided to take an internship in New York City. The thing that he can't wait for more than anything else is to go out to bars and hear his finance friends talk about how much work they have, and how much money they have. But how it's justified that they have so much money, because they have so much work. And how the hours really aren't that bad, once you get used to them. He hopes to avoid the asshole virus by washing his hands after every time he touches somebody wearing a suit.

Frannie Mays '11 will be tripping balls on 5-hour energy at all times, looking for ways to make bitchery profitable as it is her only usable skill (internship with Omarosa?), and reuniting with Waffle House. She will also be terrorizing our youth in the sweltering heat of the tobacco industry hellhole known as Durham, NC. She will hit bull and win a steak. She regrets to inform you she is unavailable for 10X booty calls.

Stephen Briggs '12 is returning to the birthplace of Jon Bon Jovi for a fortnight, politely asking his Grandmother to remove sleeves from all his shirts and then returning to the Bubble for 10X. Briggs is currently holding one class, Astro 4: Staring Down Stars but may take more! He hopes to finally learn how to swim this Summer, discover where Hillel is (but still not stop by for Shabbot, sorry Grandma) and pick a perfect Masters bracket (July Madness). Oh yeah and frat frat frat.

Jayson Doubleday '13 will be trying to learn how to correctly use blitz and waiting to steal blitz nicknames currently belonging to ‘10s over interim. He is returning to the largest city in America (land wise), where he will be napping competitively and looking for a new pickup line since "I write for the Dunyun" is unlikely to work. In his free time, he is making up for 19 years of light to moderate physical activity by doing calisthenics, running and wearing lax pinnies so that he can impress '14s on his DOC trip next fall. Go Braves.

Students Fight for Facetime During Finals

 Across campus, students have been struggling to find a balance between getting their daily dose of facetime with the need to write papers and study for exams. Since, as Julia Levenson ’11 admitted, “no one has ever gotten anything done in Novack or on FFB,” students have been forced to retreat to other areas of the library to actually be productive.

However, this has not deterred most students from seeking out the facetime that they deem necessary. Mika Kelly ’11 was forced from her usual spot at a computer on First Floor Berry to the sixth floor stacks to write a 20-page paper for PHIL 23: Bullshitting. Since she was unable to get her usual amount of facetime in the stacks, she compensated by, “making a ‘facetime lap’ through 3rd, 2nd and 1st floor Berry plus Novack after each page I write. It’s not ideal but it get’s the job done. I make sure to talk obnoxiously loud to at least one person on each floor so I get noticed.”

Student Watches Everything on YouTube

Greg McMichael ’10 gained room-wide attention today when he reportedly accomplished the feat of having watched every single video on YouTube. Widespread student reaction to this news (reported here first) is “That’s stupid and not possible,” but sources confirm that as of 4 p.m. he could not find a single clip of a kitten and puppy snuggling or a fat person falling down that he didn’t already know like the back of his hand. Witnesses report that upon realizing he had exhausted all time-wasting options in video format, he instantly went into a state of panic in the middle of the Periodicals, screaming, “I CAN’T go back to Robot Unicorn Attack!”

Berry Sees Series of Strange Disappearances

This week has seen a string of strange disappearances from the study areas of Berry Library. As students descended on the library for reading period, they were met with only empty tables and vacant study carrels. Although these study areas were filled with books, backpacks and various empty Vitamin Water bottles, the owners of these belongings were nowhere to be found.

S&S and HPo are working together to apprehend this “Berry Snatcher” but thus far their efforts have been hampered by the victims’ nonchalance about their disappearances. They have been tracking the snatcher for years and, judging by past years, they are expecting him to become very active as exams approach.

HPo to Launch “Icing” Sting Operations

During a tense meeting Monday evening, Hanover Police Chief Nicholas Giaccone announced plans to “curb dangerous drinking by the students of Dartmouth College. And also the citizens of Hanover.” The new plan, nicknamed “Operation Frobro”, is in response to the new campus trend of “icing”, which Giaccone called “literally the most alarming threat facing Hanover.” 

Icing has become a popular trend among “bros” on campus. It consists of one bro presenting another bro with a Smirnoff Ice. Regardless of location, the receiving bro must drop to one knee and chug the ice on the spot. Getting iced in a public place, such as first floor Berry or Novack, has become a way to secure “bro” status. 

Giaccone announced that the police department would use undercover “Ice Operatives”, dressed as bros, who would offer Smirnoff Ice to students in creative ways in an attempt to “ice” them. The methods could vary from handing the Ice to the student to slipping it in the student’s backpack when he is not paying attention to putting it in a vending machine. If the student accepted the ice, regardless of method used, the undercover officer would promptly arrest the student and fine him $25,000 plus roughly $1.30 to cover the cost of the ice.