Working at a Kosher Foods Emporium Guarantees Action; Trend Sweeps New York

A startling trend is overtaking cities across the Eastern Seaboard, especially the City of New York. Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, has called it “the most guaranteed way to get ass since the invention of the boy band.” “The Move,” as some bystanders have come to call it, is simply to go up to a girl and, in casual conversation, mention that you work at a Kosher Foods Emporium. This works best if you mention that you work specifically at Goldman Snacks Kosher Foods Emporium. Other Kosher Foods Emporiums that will guarantee action with a mention are Morgan Stanley’s Flatbread and Jacob P. Morgan’s Brisket Bank.

The Dunyun was able to interview one girl who had been “wooed” by a mention of Goldman Snacks. She asked specifically that her name be included in this article, but we don’t want to give her that kind of satisfaction, so she gets no attribution. In lieu of her real name, we will use a pseudonym.

“OK, so it’s not that there’s much difference,” said Leslie Goldmandigger, who is a member of the Class of 2012 at Southern Methodist University. “At least not in terms of how cool they are or how funny they are or how smart they are or how well they, you know, kiss. But it sounds so much better to tell your friends that you’re kissing a boy who works at Goldman Snacks. You know that the bread that he brings home, in addition to being kosher, will be bigger than the bread that anybody else’s boy will bring home. And no, it’s not too early to be thinking about these things.”

When approached for an interview with The Dunyun, all Goldman Snacks interns were eager to comply. They reminded the reporter that, in addition to being very smart and good-looking, they could interview better than anybody else. The reporter was unable to conduct the interview, however, as his own interview skills were unable to keep up with the Goldman Snacks crew. 

This strategy of mentioning Goldman Snacks to get action has proved unstoppable, with two exceptions. The first exception is when the girl being approached has a sensitive gag reflex and instantly vomits at the odor of such douchebaggery. The other exception is when she does not have self-esteem or daddy issues.