Reason Behind Commencement Speaker Revealed

In the wake of the commencement speech by Stephen Lewis in which he revealed that he had indeed not cured cancer, starred in a major motion picture or secretly led a country, the college was forced to admit the real reason that he was chosen to give this year’s commencement address. Associate Dean Miranda Harris explained that Lewis was chosen simply because, “It would’ve been weird to have Jim Kim speak at his own college’s graduation.”

According to Harris, Jim Yong Kim was lined up to deliver a speech at the 2010 commencement about his revolutionary AIDS work as far back as two years ago. However, he was named president of Dartmouth College, putting the search committee in an awkward situation. Allen Todd, the chairman of the committee, explained, “We still wanted the speech to be about Jim Kim’s accomplishments but we couldn’t have Kim actually deliver the speech.”

Stephen Lewis was the perfect substitute. He has been Jim Kim’s sidekick dating back to high school, where he served as Jim’s “wingman” and regularly “fell on the grenade.” This trend continued throughout their lives, with Lewis regularly waiting in line to get concerts for the two of them and even licking envelopes for Kim since he has been afraid of glue since watching that Seinfeld episode.

Lewis was given the right to speak at commencement under the condition that he devoted at least 75% of his speech to one topic, Jim Yong Kim. He accepted despite the fact that he was still unhappy with Kim for making Paul Farmer the godfather of his sons. Although sometimes distracted during the speech, even at one point spontaneously declaring, “I love Jim Kim,” Lewis followed through, discussing Kim’s life, Kim’s accomplishments, and most importantly, how lucky Dartmouth was to have Kim as its president.

The search committee chairman added that Lewis seemed like a logical choice because “We heard he has done some work with AIDS too so it added more credibility to Jim Kim’s accomplishments.”

Several students noticed the strange Jim Kim themed speech. Mary Willetts ’10 admitted “I thought [Lewis’] speech was really nice but I kept waiting for Jim Kim to come on the stage afterwards. I figured it was just one of those drawn out introductions but then it ended and they started handing out diplomas.”

Benjamin Harrison ’10 was also confused regarding the message of the speech, “It seemed like he was challenging me to go out and save the world, but at the same time it seemed like he was telling me that Jim Kim had it all under control.”

Jillian Leonard, a parent who refused to pay an undergrad ridiculous sums of money to arrive at the green at 6 AM and save seats in the front, was equally confused, “I couldn’t see very well and thought that Jim Kim had given two speeches and just referred to himself in third person during the first one for some reason.”

A spokesman for Kim explained that he was “grateful” for Lewis devoting his entire commencement address to Kim’s accomplishments so that Jim Kim could use his entire valedictory to explain that he thinks a liberal arts education is “relevant.”

Lewis could not be reached for comment, as he was busy looking at his new Dartmouth diploma.