Stuff Dartmouth People Like #9: Saying Hi to Abstract Concepts

Dartmouth people use ‘Sup’ and ‘Oh Hey’ the way Twitter uses hash-tags. Common lines like “I am wasted right now” have evolved into “I am wasted right now. Oh hey alcohol.”

This has been an inexplicable development in a Dartmouth dialect previously famous for “blitz,” “pong,” and “foco de chao” (tell your friends).

These arbitrary hellos are perfect for when you want to disguise your self-call as a clever joke. Got a good grade on your econ exam? Try: “Can’t believe I got an A. Sup curves.”

America Ends War on Drugs in Response to 14's Column in the D

In a swift departure from a decades long policy, president Barack Obama announced yesterday a full and immediate end to the war on drugs. Although the reason for the sudden reversal of attitudes wasn’t initially clear, Mr. Obama pointed to what changed his mind and the minds of politicians across America: an editorial by a ’14 in Monday’s issue of The Dartmouth.

Mr. Obama praised the ’14 for his well-reasoned argument, “Every morning I pick up the D, the obvious pick for opinion articles about things other than Dartmouth College. This scholar just made such bold assertions like ‘the war is not succeeding.’ How can you say no to that?”

Bobby Rush Gives Political Incorrectness on Campus a Great Fallback

This past weekend saw many musical acts come to Hanover. There were jam bands and notable rappers and cover bands and DJs. There was also Bobby Rush, the 75-year-old R&B singer who put on the most politically incorrect show Dartmouth has ever seen (citation pending). Prior to Rush’s show, which included three dancers whose sole purpose was apparently to shake their behinds, political correctness had been relative in Hanover. Now everybody knows that Bobby Rush is a 100 on the scale, with everybody that I hate on this campus at the 0 end. And anything that anyone could possibly do would have to be less than 100 on the scale.

Students Inexplicably Forget About Lodge During Room Draw

Much to everybody’s surprise, room draw ended with housing still available in the Lodge. Generally considered to be a top-tier housing option, the large, full-bathed suites of the Lodge were overlooked in favor of the Fayerweathers or Mass Row.

But don’t expect this oversight to last long.

Upperclassmen are shocked that rising sophomores forgot this housing gem. “I remember last year I had the 53^rd pick of my class and prayed for a Lodge room,” said Justin Armstrong ’13. He currently lives in Lodge 27. “I’m moving to Hitchcock next year. Do you have any idea how far that is from Jewel of India? Fuck me.”

Students Excited for No Line Thursday at Foco

After a term of long lines, limited selection and long lines, students are looking forward to a day of relief this Thursday. Instead of waiting fifteen minutes for a sandwich and ten minutes to check out, students can breeze through, courtesy of the first ever foco no line day.

DDS and a group of enthused students teamed up to organize the first ever no-line day at the new dining facility to combat student frustration over excessive wait times in Foco and to help students get the most out of their meal plan.

Get the Fuck off my Campus: Frisbee Players on the Green

What, you couldn’t toss at the BEMA? You know it’s empty. More importantly, it’s where I am not.

*this segment inspired by Barstool NY's "Get the Fuck out of My City". 

Green Team Blitzes Officially Replace TGIAF

By this point, half the school has been trained for Green Team. The members of Green Team are diverse, as well, spanning all stretches of campus. So a cultural shift was made. TGIAF was slowly phased out, and Green Team blitzes started being campus’s digest of party blitzes. 

“Oh, it’s great,” said Laura Tisch ’12. “There are so many party blitzes, and with TGIAF gone, I had no choice but to read all of them to know what was going on in a night. Then I got trained by Green Team and got on the blitz list. Now I get one comprehensive list of parties that are going on this weekend.”

Students Really Confused What to Do Between Fall and Winter Terms

Winter break has always been really long. Like, really long. That monster’s a solid month. You can forget you’re enrolled in college over that break. You consider taking a job. You travel all the way around the world and then beat “Call of Duty” in the time that Dartmouth already gave us for winter break. Now students have literally no idea how they’re going to fill the time. 

“I feel like I’m just bookending a large amount of time with eating,” said one female member of the Class of 2012. “I stuff my face for Thanksgiving, then I wait. I wait some more, and then I stuff my face at Christmas. Maybe I should go on an eating tour of America. Stop by Wisconsin for some cheese. Hershey, Pennsylvania. Ooh, I should start writing this down.”

Liking Facebook Page as Far as Students will go to Protest Administration"

In response to the new all-you-can-eat meal plan structure at the new Class of 1953 Commons, students from all over campus have banded together to fight the proposed changes. In addition to creating a Facebook page against the new meal plan with over 1000 “likes,” hundreds of students have, wait no, they haven’t really done anything else.

Jim Kim Changes Profile Pic to Derby Photo

After months of dipping approval ratings, President Kim made a bold attempt to reconnect with the student body this weekend. Giving up on facetime at poorly attended sporting events and forums, Kim headed to the annual KDE derby party with only one goal: the ultimate derby profile picture.

The plan was weeks in the making Kim’s intern explained, “He was really struggling. The picture with his kids is so played out and their cuteness has definitely dropped off in the past two years. People expect more of a man with over 1500 friends. He needed something fresh and exclusive.”

President Kim spent all week picking out the perfect outfit, a seersucker jacket with a pastel button down, Vineyard Vine pants and a bow tie, coming to $1200, on the company card of course. Saturday afternoon he sauntered across the street and was nearly turned away until a KDE '13 and future president's intern vouched for him as a visiting friend.

“Midterms Week” Magically Lasts Eight Weeks

Space-time has collapsed and we’re living in an alternate universe. That has to be the answer. That’s the only way that this phenomenon could exist: “Midterms Week” seems to last for eight or so weeks, because I could swear I’ve been hearing people talk about how they “just have to get over the hump of Midterm Week” or how they “just finished midterms and have to play harbor @ now” for four weeks now and I’m pretty sure I’ll hear it for four more. 

Enthusiasm for Conan Only a Slight Slap in the Face to Previous Commencement Speakers

The excitement for Conan O’Brien’s recently announced commencement address is palpable. Around campus yesterday, seniors responded to the news with fist-pumps and high-fives while relatives of the soon-to-be graduates were relieved to hear that they would not fall asleep during this year’s ceremony. And everybody’s trying really hard to hide their enthusiasm from other recent commencement speakers, such as Canadian AIDS-fighter and Jim Kim butt-buddy Stephen Henry Lewis, author Louise Erdrich, and Liberian President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf. 

“I almost said, ‘Finally!’ to one of them,” College President Jim Yong Kim said in an interview with The Dunyun. “I was just chatting with Stephen, you know, just about everyday shit, and he asked who the speaker was gonna be. I lowered my voice really low when I said ‘Conan O’Brien’ so that he wouldn’t realize how much more excited everybody is about this.”

Beta Kicks Off PRIDE Week with Sunday Night Bash

Last Sunday, campus joined Beta in a dirty, awkward, but oh so sweet one-night stand with America.

Beta held a bonfire/party to demonstrate their solidarity with the LGBT community and welcome in PRIDE week at Dartmouth. Hundreds of students dropped their books to flock to the Beta front lawn for a merry sing along around the fire, followed by shirtless dancing and country music.

Stinson’s to Enter New Market

After decades of selling beer, wine, and tobacco, Stinson’s Village Store has decided to expand its inventory. Although nobody would be foolish enough to question Jack Stinson, some observers have wondered why he believes there is such a demand in Hanover for whipped cream and alternative means of smoking tobacco. 

“The kids seem to love whipped cream,” Stinson said in an interview with The Dunyun. “And not just any whipped cream. None of this Miracle-Whip bullshit. The kids seem to love fresh whipped cream.”