Students Really Confused What to Do Between Fall and Winter Terms

Winter break has always been really long. Like, really long. That monster’s a solid month. You can forget you’re enrolled in college over that break. You consider taking a job. You travel all the way around the world and then beat “Call of Duty” in the time that Dartmouth already gave us for winter break. Now students have literally no idea how they’re going to fill the time. 

“I feel like I’m just bookending a large amount of time with eating,” said one female member of the Class of 2012. “I stuff my face for Thanksgiving, then I wait. I wait some more, and then I stuff my face at Christmas. Maybe I should go on an eating tour of America. Stop by Wisconsin for some cheese. Hershey, Pennsylvania. Ooh, I should start writing this down.”

Other students have suggested that they might have loftier plans for the break, like masturbation. 

“There’s a lot of time to kill,” said one member of the Class of 2013 who is obligated by contract to mention that he prefers Vaseline. “And each time is at least ten minutes out of your day. Just remember to use the good stuff.”

Representatives from Dartmouth’s Office of Public Affairs gave us some reasons why the college instituted the new change, but we weren’t really listening. 

A bunch of international students groaned when they heard the news. 

“Dude,” one of them said. “You don’t know what winter break was like already in Hanover. It gets longer? Oh my God.”

To fill the gap of time, Dartmouth plans to offer many Alternative Winter Breaks (AWBs), although it acknowledges that these will only fill two weeks of the break, a tiny fraction of the time. 

“Yeah, good luck with the rest of it,” a representative from Tucker said in an interview with The Dunyun. “Hope you’re from somewhere warm.”

The staff of The Dunyun plans to use the extended period of time to go on tour, standing outside of every Coldplay concert and reminding the people walking by that they’re paying money to see Coldplay.