Bobby Rush Gives Political Incorrectness on Campus a Great Fallback

This past weekend saw many musical acts come to Hanover. There were jam bands and notable rappers and cover bands and DJs. There was also Bobby Rush, the 75-year-old R&B singer who put on the most politically incorrect show Dartmouth has ever seen (citation pending). Prior to Rush’s show, which included three dancers whose sole purpose was apparently to shake their behinds, political correctness had been relative in Hanover. Now everybody knows that Bobby Rush is a 100 on the scale, with everybody that I hate on this campus at the 0 end. And anything that anyone could possibly do would have to be less than 100 on the scale.

“This is awesome,” said one fraternity social chair. “I used to get so worried whenever I sent out a party blitz. Somebody can always find something to complain about. But now I can rest assured that whatever I do will be less offensive than Bobby Rush’s show.”

Campus activists were at a loss for words.

“We’d need, like… ten forums to undo the damage that was just done,” said one member of Phoenix who wished to remain anonymous but who definitely had to have been a Phoenix, right?

With the knowledge that Bobby Rush is a 100 on the scale, scholars and interns from the Sociology Department and Center for Women and Gender have been examining past campus conflicts and placing them on the new scale.

“Before, we didn’t know exactly how offensive something was,” said Professor Don Marshall of the Sociology Department. “Everything was relative, which made it really hard to complain about stuff. But now we know, for example, that the GGMM controversy was a 64 on the scale, and the weathervane is an 8. The new IFC shirts are a 3, but the old Psi U shirts are a 53. Men of Dartmouth is a 61, and the décor at Molly’s is an 83 on the offensive scale. Although I guess that’s just offensive to good taste, not to political correctness.”

A disincentive/punishment system is still being worked out for offensiveness offenses.

“Dartmouth has no speech code, and we’re very proud of that,” said Dean of the College Sylvia Spears. “But we can’t let assholes get away with just anything, can we? We’re looking into exactly how many lashes we should dole out per point on the offensive scale. Or dirty looks. Or forums. Fori. Or boycotts. Or passive-aggressive emails. Whatever, we’re still working on it.”

When asked after the show about their decision to bring Bobby Rush to play, a Phi Delt representative said, “It’s what any true Bronson would do.”

*This article has been rated a 6 on the 0-100 offensive scale. Definitely less offensive than Bobby Rush himself.