“Midterms Week” Magically Lasts Eight Weeks

Space-time has collapsed and we’re living in an alternate universe. That has to be the answer. That’s the only way that this phenomenon could exist: “Midterms Week” seems to last for eight or so weeks, because I could swear I’ve been hearing people talk about how they “just have to get over the hump of Midterm Week” or how they “just finished midterms and have to play harbor @ now” for four weeks now and I’m pretty sure I’ll hear it for four more. 

“It all has to do with language,” said Linguistics professor Jonathan Kwif in an interview with The Dunyun. “Nobody calls it a ‘test’ or a ‘quiz’. They’re always midterms, no matter how major or minor they are, but also, more importantly, no matter when in the term they actually fall.”

No students interviewed by The Dunyun seemed to notice the irony of having a class that has two midterms, despite the fact that neither of them was in the middle of the term. 

Due to the magically stretched status of Midterms Week, everybody on campus has had a nice excuse for the middle chunk of the term. Nerds are able to successfully hide from the basement, being able to claim, “Midterms Week, just gotta get through this one” for eight weeks straight without anybody noticing. Varsity drinkers get to say that they’re “just drinking on a Tuesday because they just finished a midterm” for every single week, allowing them to augment the already generous four-nights-a-week Dartmouth drinking schedule. 

Some have speculated that the magical powers of Midterms Week derive from the proven connection between Hogwarts and Dartmouth. When I say proven, I mean that anybody who’s an annoying person to be around will tell you that Dartmouth and Hogwarts are the same. Jesus Christ. Shut up. 

Curiously enough, however, nobody’s going to even mention Midterms Week when it comes to Derby. Because we can all forget about our exams if we try hard enough.