Dartmouth Student Compromises Love of IBanking for a Soul-Sucking Career in Women and Gender Studies

In the success-driven environment of the Ivy League, many students feel pressured to give up

studies in subjects they genuinely love in order to ensure a lucrative future career.

James Allen ’13 has always been aware of his passion for the financial sector. “Ever since I was

a little kid I knew I wanted to be an investment banker. As I lay in bed at night, I would count

stock market futures instead of sheep. My first word was ‘capitalism’.”

Sadly, this has proved to be an unrealistic childhood dream. Allen was ridiculed by his peers

when he affirmed his desire to pursue a banking career.

Important iPhone Blitz really just Tiny Wings

Trevor Logan ’13 was seen in Collis today staring at his iPhone with a furrowed brow and serious demeanor. Despite widespread speculation that he was sending a very important email, new evidence indicates that he was in fact playing Tiny Wings.

Eyewitnesses report that Logan had been waiting to meet his friend, Caroline Rosenfeld ’14, when he suddenly remembered the ‘important blitz’ he had to send. Thankfully, Rosenwald’s late arrival allowed Logan the much-needed time to thoughtfully respond to the email.