Sun God Calls for Love March

We here at The Dunyun firmly believe that the truth is stranger than fiction, that reality often satirizes itself. This philosophy was only confirmed when we, like all of you, received a blitz from the Sun God, also known as Jonathan James Recor MALS ’12. We have printed the entirety of the e-mail below, with some tasteful parenthetical commentary added by your friends at The Dunyun.

“Dear Members of the Dartmouth College Community,

(The fact that you are reading this e-mail indicates that BlitzMail does not have a strict enough spam filter.)

On April 12th 2010, Theater-On-The-Walk (my one-man theater troupe, rivaling Dr. Tobias Funke’s in terms of legitimacy) is planning to launch a Love March. This is a free event (because, honestly, who would pay) and is open to all students and staff (sorry, faculty). (The royal) We will have police escorts (not by our choice), music (the theme song from every movie of your childhood ruined), Love-theme legionary war banners (Playboy centerfolds), and solar powered tiki-torches (we really have no explanation for this. Your guess is as good as ours).

PC Police Discover Effective Communication Method: Anonymous Messages

    Borrowing tactics from several other campus groups, the PC Police placed signs in front of objectionable Greek houses on Wednesday morning to encourage better tactics of behavior. Although the messages were unsigned, campus consensus indicates that the PC Police are behind them. It is well known that the PC Police are a secret group, despite their tendency to send campus-wide emails. To locate a member of the group, a reporter from The Dunyun went to the Collis Cafe and asked the assembled crowd, "Who wants to hear a joke about the religious practices of a homosexual Eskimo?" The reporter was immediately approached by PC Police representatives.
    The PC Police member was kind enough to explain her group's motives in placing the signs.
    "Well, we saw the effectiveness of other forms of anonymous posting on campus," she said. "Remember when the Daughters of Dartmouth put all those signs up denigrating frats and male sports teams? See what happened? All the frat boys on campus saw how horrible the Greek system was and de-pledged. No more Greek system, and it's all thanks to some anonymous posting."

Recent Study Shows Pong Victory Guarantees Hook-Up With Female Partner

An ENGS 12: Sex Mechanics group recently presented a comprehensive study to the entire department, headlined by the finding that a “pong victory guarantees hook-up with female partner.”

The study traced twenty games of Male/Female pong from start to finish (ha). And found that winners were met with a hook-up 100% of the time. Losers on the other hand hooked-up only once post-loss and the ENGS group reported that team was “dating” whence “pong doesn’t matter anymore.” No clue what whence means.

Project leader, Max McManus ’10, explained to a packed Thayer lecture hall, “Now that we are certain Pong success always ends in Poon, we must examine the motives. If a female agrees to Pong with a male, a connection is instantly built. The male sees this as an early form of consent. And if the team is victorious, the male suddenly becomes the alpha in the female’s eyes. He now holds table and her heart. Most males play one more game with the female and if victorious again, ceremoniously step off with claims of ‘I’ve got a 10A tomorrow’ or ‘I like to be in bed before EBAs closes, helps me sleep more soundly knowing they’re still delivering,’ and then proceed to pursue Poon. If the males lose the second game, he whispers to his potential lay, ‘It’s just pong,’ and then whisks her out of the basement.”

New Dance Craze Called “The Macarena” Sweeps Campus

Dartmouth dance parties, always known for the cutting-edge music that the ever-popular DJ’s provide, have become far more exciting recently since the introduction of the brand new dance craze called the Macarena. The Macarena is a song by a new band that just came onto the music scene called Los Del Rio, which by all accounts promises to be a group of lasting influence on American pop music. They have proven themselves with the unparalleled popularity of the new breakthrough hit that has just reached Hanover in the past few weeks. The song’s catchiness comes in part from its infectious beat, but for the most part its popularity stems from the fun synchronized dance that goes along with it. Though initial internet reports seem to indicate that the song was actually written in 1995, the reaction on campus confirms that it has hit Dartmouth sometime during the last month.

Girlfriend Causes Junior Man to Ignore His Roommates and Halo Rankings

    Justin Bertram ’11 and Charles Walter ’11 made a mistake, in what some are calling “the worst braux-pas ever committed, a cruel inversion of the typical scenario where a girl gets her boyfriend a video game system for his birthday and never sees him again.” Ever since they introduced their roommate, Matthew Tuckman ’11 to his current girlfriend, Alex Larchmont ’11, he has been “ignoring the rankings” and, in general, “ignoring [them].” Tuckman did admit that he has been spending less and less time with his roommates and with their Xbox 360, but that he “feels like they’re smothering [him].”
    At the start of the term, Bertram, Walter, and Tuckman decided to pool their money and purchase an Xbox 360 and Halo 3, and to make a commitment to each other to “pwn as many n00bs as possible.” Things were going well between the three roommates. So well, in fact, that Bertram and Walter decided to give Tuckman a gift, so to speak. They introduced him to Larchmont, hoping that she would serve as a substitute for their camaraderie “only when we weren’t around,” Bertram and Walter stipulated.

Baseball Team “Block Registers” ENVS 12: Volcanoes and Other Eruptions

In a total team effort, 19 members of the Dartmouth men’s baseball team registered for ENVS 12: Volcanoes and Other Eruptions before the 4 PM deadline yesterday. Captain and star shortstop Ernie Nallen ‘10 told Dunyun reporters, “This is our first step towards repeating as Ivy League champions. We’re bringing the dugout to the classroom baby."

ENVS 12 is an introductory volcano class, offered only 10S. The course explores the eruptive and explosive nature of volcanoes in modern and ancient society, while also touching on volcanic practicality for warmth and tourism. Lectures include Planet Earth episodes, National Geographic article analysis, and late in the term, the class holds its very own Shark Week. 10% of the grade is determined by an “Is It Erupting or Not?” quiz and the final 90% comes from the always-popular Science Fair (volcanoes encouraged). Prerequisites include Econ 2, Russian 13, and a varsity letter.

Facebook Pictures with Impoverished Children to Help Prove Sophomore Girl is a Good Person

    Marissa Daniels ’12 was having a problem. She had been having fears that she was turning into the type of person that she never wanted to be, namely, a racist and a bad person. Daniels was from a predominantly white community in Kansas, although, as she was quick to point out, “[She] had a black uncle.” Daniels had been noticing that all of her peers had done something to prove that they were a good person, whether it was tutoring children in Ecuador or going on a Safari in Africa. And then Daniels had an idea for how to prove that she was a good person, not just to herself, but also to the whole world—take pictures with poor African children and put them on Facebook.
    “It can be just like the pictures of people in Europe at cafes with beers, but humanitarian!”

Mass Student Action Leads Hanover Police to Provide Oral Pleasure to Student Body

Following a number of demonstrations last week led by Dartmouth undergrad Ted Bailey ‘11, the Hanover Police force has enacted a new policy to provide oral sex to any student who so wishes to be pleasured. This latest victory in the fight for student freedom comes after the crushing blow to HPo’s short-lived plan to conduct sting operations in Greek basements, a defeat that Bailey believed was evidence that the police “need to change up their priorities to fulfill the desires of students. And what Dartmouth student doesn’t have the desire for free head?” The demonstrations included a mass parade down Main Street attended by at least 1800 students as well as non-stop picketing in front of the police station in Lyme for four days straight. Picketers at the rally held signs proclaiming, Pubic Service from Public Servants!” “Why incarcerate when you can fellate?” and “Please don’t sting us, cunniling-us!”

Friend From Home Claims, "Girls Are So Much Hotter At My School"

After standing on the Chi Heorot dance floor for a few minutes Saturday night, Chase Nickel, a junior at UMass-Amherst, turned to his friend Eric Range ’11, and said, “Dude, girls at my school, so hot bro.”

Nickel had been visiting for the Winter Carnival weekend and reportedly texted Range en-route, “Can’t wait man. Looking to get some prime Dartmouth dome.”

He however spent much of Friday night, sitting on the side of Chi Gamma Epsilon’s Dance Party, asking his friend, “Which one of these chicks should I get with?”

Jessica Tolver ’11, a friend of Eric Range, observed, “Yeah the kid was really weird. He kept asking me which one of my friends he was most likely to have sex with. And then when he got rejected, he started muttering to himself about how he just doesn’t know how to pick up ugly girls. Someone’s just pissed he didn’t get any.” 

Sun God Cockblocks Winter Carnival By Laying In Ice Sculpture For Five Days Straight

It seems the theme of this year’s Winter Carnival should have been changed to “not fucking in the coliseum of ice”. Reports came last weekend of soothing music and heavy breathing coming from inside the snow sculpture, but these were not the sounds of frozen lay. To the dismay of many adventurous couples yearning for a quick round of snow-backing, the costumed antithesis to sexuality had long-since staked his claim to the frigid nest.

            One pair of frisky freshmen, Alice Roe and John Nieman ‘13, decided in a drunken haze on Friday night to sprint across the Green and “explore” the magnificent piece of artwork that was this year’s Winter Carnival showpiece. According to Nieman, he was “totally” about to check off one of the Dartmouth Seven. “And in the Snow Sculpture, no less. Legend status.” As they approached the beautifully crafted cylinder, however, Alice noticed something amiss.

            “Alice turned to me and was like, ‘I think there’s somebody in there. Do you hear that music? There’s definitely some panting going on,’” said Nieman in an interview with The Dunyun on Sunday. Both thought they had been beaten to the punch by another team of snow-plowers, but what lay in wait for them in the Coliseum was much, much worse.

Tradition of Slippery Cups Continues at Termly “Cutter” Event

    At Bones Gate Fraternity’s termly “Cutter” party this weekend, many students found the cups that the drinks were served in to be predictably slippery. The cups were so slippery, in fact, that not a single student was able to hang onto their cup and drink the cutter. Every student who was served the drink inevitably dropped cutter.
    Francesca Jones ’13 had her first experience with the drink this past weekend. When she had previously expressed her interest in “drinking cutter,” her friends stopped her short and corrected her choice of vocabulary.
    “You don’t drink cutter,” they said. “You drop it. Nobody drinks cutter. You’ll sound really naïve if you ask to drink cutter. You have to say you want to drop cutter.”

Breaking News: Studies Reveal the Earth Revolves Around You

Astronomers at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics have made a revelatory discovery that promises to change the astronomy world forever. The revolution of the Earth, previously thought to follow an orbit around the Sun, actually takes place around you personally. The implications of this discovery have yet to be fully realized, but rest assured that nothing you do is ever wrong and you no longer need to listen to anyone who tells you that you are not better than anyone else. Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions all take precedence over factual evidence to the contrary, as well as compassion towards others.

Obese Freshman Plans To Rush The Hop

Freshman William Thornton publicly announced Saturday his plans to "hang out more" at The Hop in hopes of earning a bid there during next fall's pledge term.

The former lightweight rower realized that he simply did not fit in anywhere else.  After developing a case of manorexia during his final crew season in high school, Thornton decided to let himself "eat a sandwich now and then" to relieve the pressure.  He ballooned in size at an ungodly pace, reaching a weight of 280 pounds by the end of the summer.

When Thornton arrived on campus in the fall of 2009, he met with Dartmouth lightweight crew head coach Daniel Roock, who purportedly expressed "fear" at the magnitude of his star recruit.

"He came to meet with me one afternoon and he was just...huge," Roock explained, "and then he told me lightweight crew wasn't for him anymore.  He said it was time for him to break free and be a real bro."

Winter Carnival Briefs

A police blotter report showed Michael Richardson ’78, a high-ranking officer at Morgan Stanley, was Good Sammed last night. He blew a .28 and repeatedly told the arresting officer, “This wouldn’t have even been buzzed back in the day.”

Studies show doing it in the Coliseum increases male endurance 4.6% but “shrivel the testes terribly”.

Novack employees reported Jeff McElroy ’12 put $2000 on his DA$H down at a bake sale for Haiti and screamed, “Darfur is saved!” McElroy’s pin was later found to be invalid.

Various sources (himself, definitely S and S, himself, some kid from his floor, that guy from FoCo, oh and definitely S and S) witnessed Josh Nicks ’13 “poop off the snow sculpture”.

James Elrond ’10 arrived at the Polar Bear swim completely naked and alerted staring DOC members, “Cold is mental. Plus I’m hammered.” He was later seen “fornicating” in the Coliseum.

Studies Show Fraternity Puppies Get Everyone Laid

    Conclusive reports conducted by the Sociology Department have recently come to the forefront of campus discourse: whenever a fraternity acquires a puppy, each of the fraternity’s members will get laid within 72 hours of the acquisition. For years, Sociology Professor Karen Swanson has been compiling data on the correlation between dog ownership and d wetness. 
    “The data has been shocking,” said Swanson. “We didn’t want to make the findings public until we were 100% sure. The secret had to be kept from the world that a fraternity with a puppy will be guaranteed to get ass within three days.”
    The fraternities with puppies observed during the study were Alpha Delta, Theta Delta Chi, Bones Gate, Gamma Delta Chi, Psi Upsilon, and Phi Delta Alpha. The fraternities without puppies that were observed as foils were Sigma Nu and Zeta Psi.

Hanover Police Sees Facebook Group, Reverses New Policy

In the wake of the controversial announcement by the Hanover Police department concerning its new underage drinking “sting” operations that threaten the Dartmouth social scene as a whole, the student body responded perfectly through the creation of the Facebook group “Students Against Hanover Police Alcohol Policy.” In twelve hours after the story broke on thedartmouth.com, the group amassed over 1,000 members – more than a quarter of the undergraduate student body. Shocked Hanover Police officials, in an obvious decision, nullified the new policy immediately.

“When I first saw that group I thought, ‘This must be a joke. The students can’t really be against this policy,” claimed Chief of Police Frank Pritchard, “but the more I read the semi-coherent comments and vaguely stated legal defenses on the Wall I began to get the impression that these kids actually enjoy drinking.” According to a police spokesperson, the department had been working on this initiative for years, under the impression that the Dartmouth experience was being poisoned by “a few bad apples who like to drink and invite people into their frat houses.” “I wish the students had let us know their official position on drinking a long time ago,” continued Pritchard, “I devoted a lot of time towards figuring out how to save these kids from the alcohol culture they hate so much, but it turns out I could’ve just been working on my short game instead.”

Administration Confident $100 Million Budget Deficit Will Be Fixed By Enforcing Parking Tickets

Dartmouth College today revealed the Board of Trustees' initial plan to close the $100 million budget gap in the upcoming fiscal years.

Board Chair Ed Haldeman '70 giddily announced, "After careful research, loads of creativity, and a little bit of fun, the Board is proud to announce some inspired solutions to this budget crisis. Our primary objective will be the enforcement of parking tickets, as Survey Monkey research shows the average Dartmouth student owes $600 in unpaid parking tickets. $600 multiplied by A-Lot equals crisis solved, and maybe even some money left over to subsidize medicinal marijuana for the FoCo Grill employees and bring back Quizno's. Mmm toasted."

While parking tickets will provide the bulk of this new revenue stream, Haldeman later highlighted other ingenious solutions, including "paying more for median A classes," "no more jello at the Hop," "Odwalla pong," "only Vanilla fro-yo," and "eliminating Stacks levels 3 and 4."

Unpopular ’12 Fakes Homosexuality to Gain Friends, Notoriety

Sam Swerdlow ’12 was just like any other average student. He didn’t play any sports, he had between twenty to forty friends but no one he would call a “best friend,” he was a member of Ledyard Canoe Club, Mock Trial Society, he participated in some service-oriented activities through the Dickey Center and he dabbled in theater, but one would be hard-pressed to find someone who knew his name without ever having met him. That all changed last week when the idea came to him to declare that he was gay, even though he technically isn’t. Today, the Dunyun takes an in-depth look into the life of this pioneer of social networking, to see how he went from zero to hero in just a few short days.

Hanover Police Chief Hits Playmaker, Still Loses Game; Sparks Alcohol Policy Reform

After losing a closely contested game of pong last Thursday night, Hanover Police Chief Rick Malone stirred public controversy by putting forth a plan of action for stricter alcohol policies for Dartmouth's Greek Houses. According to his partner in the game, Josh Frasier '11, Malone was visibly upset leaving AD last Thursday night, after they had just lost a game full to a half.  

"He just put his head down, threw his hood up and was muttering stuff under his breath. He kept being like, 'what a stupid fuckin' game...'", said Frasier. 

On Malone's first shot of the game, he reportedly chested a serve on a short-hop, then lofted the ball into the middle cup of his opponent's tree, signaling a rare "playmaker"-requiring the other team to drink the back four full cups. 

"He was pretty pumped," said Frasier. "He turned to give me a chest pump and yelled, 'Hell yeah bitches! Maker! Suck it down pussies!' I don't think he'd ever heard about the playmaker curse before. But as soon as he hit it I knew we were going to lose."

H-Po Narc Gets Blacked Out And Doesn't Remember Any Underage Drinking

Michelle Brownfield, a 19-year old student at Lebanon Community College, woke up in the Fahey-McLane lounge this morning with “no recollection of last night”.

Looking to “make some extra cash this term”, she had enlisted in Queef Chief of Hanover Police Nicholas Giaconne’s “Snitch Squad”, a group of courageous young men and women “looking to fuck up fun and frats”. Members of the SS are referred to as “death-eaters” and range from mature-looking 16-year olds to still mildly attractive Soccer Moms.

According to insiders (Snitch Squad Snitches), Giaconne left a voice-mail on Brownfield’s phone late last night, “Hey Michelle, it’s Papa Eagle. One of your other operatives reported that raucous laughter and club beats could be heard emanating from Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternity. When there’s rage, there’s underage. Let’s bring the sting baby! Papa needs a new fucking car.”

Sig Ep Shocks Campus in Hazing Scandal

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” – Kaiser Soze

The recent Hanover Police raid on Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity revealed a world of sadistic and gruesome hazing that nobody saw coming. Neighbors to the fraternity said that they saw flashing lights “and a lot of yelling” early in the morning on Thursday. Two of Sig Ep’s pledges were sent to the hospital, and all members of the fraternity were referred to professional psychiatric care.
In September, as part of a nationwide effort to crack down on fraternity hazing, Hanover Police sent officers undercover as pledges to all fraternities on campus, “regardless of reputation,” according to Hanover Police Chief Nicholas Giaccone.
“Most of what our officers found was very run-of-the-mill,” said Giaccone. “But nothing could have prepared us for what we found in Sig Ep. Everybody else came back with stories of elephant walks, vomiting, and strippers. The guy who we sent into Sig Ep couldn’t speak for the next three days and his hand was shaking too much to write down the story. He just kept whispering to himself and rocking back and forth.”

Dick’s House Hires Undercover Craigslist Prostitutes to Promote Safe Sex

Taking a cue from the really, really dedicated law enforcement officers of Hanover, Director of Health Services Jack Turco announced today that Dick’s House will begin employing both male and female “call girls and boys of sorts” found on Craigslist to infiltrate campus fraternity parties, seduce Dartmouth students, and then report whether or not they were encouraged to participate in unsafe sexual activity.

Students Plan Candlelight Vigil in Memoriam to their Lost North Face Jackets

In a bold move that has caused much discord across campus, Leah Archibald ’12 has organized a candlelight vigil on the Green tonight to mourn the loss of hundreds, possibly thousands, of students’ North Face jackets over the years. The vigil comes just on the heels of a similar memorial held last night to lament forthcoming staff layoffs, leading some members of Students Stand with Staff to complain that the new vigil will diminish their efforts, and also that Archibald is a “smelly poophead copycat.”

Evil Student Mastermind Has All ’11 Campus Celebs Doing Stupid Shit

    One student, Alex Williamson ’12, has, in recent weeks, been orchestrating one of the most complex and ingenious pranks Dartmouth’s campus has ever seen. Simply by creating several anonymous Gmail accounts and posing as various secret societies, Williamson has been able to act as puppeteer for all self-centered, social-climbing ‘11s who are on this term.
    “It’s so simple,” said Williamson. “Seriously. All I did was make some Gmail accounts with cryptic names and then say some weird shit to ’11 celebs and then they are literally my puppets. I don’t even have to identify myself as any particular society. I can say anything.”

“Students Stand with Staff” Suggest College Acquisition of Golden Geese to Solve Budget Deficit

In a panel held yesterday to discuss the College’s recently announced plan to reduce the budget deficit by $100 million in two years, Students Stand with Staff posed a radical and miraculous solution: buy a golden goose from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

D2H to Officially Replace D2U

    In order to fully embrace John Sloan Dickey’s oft-cited call for Dartmouth students to “embrace the world’s problems as their own,” the College will officially discontinue D2U: Dartmouth Daily Updates and replace it with D2H Updates, from Students for Dartmouth Haiti Response. According to Roger Freinthauser, a spokesperson for the Office of Public Relations, D2H stands for all the same things as D2U, only “more intense.”
    “The reason we initially started Dartmouth Daily Updates was so that we could make students feel guilty about all the things they weren’t doing. Informing them about what opportunities they had was definitely not the point. We requested a formal report from Rosenstein Jewish Mothers Consulting Group, and they informed us that guilt was the best way to get things done. And from there, we proceeded with D2U.”
    Some students interviewed by The Dunyun have felt overwhelmed by having both D2H and D2U in their inbox at the same time, complaining of a “guilt overload.”