D2H to Officially Replace D2U

    In order to fully embrace John Sloan Dickey’s oft-cited call for Dartmouth students to “embrace the world’s problems as their own,” the College will officially discontinue D2U: Dartmouth Daily Updates and replace it with D2H Updates, from Students for Dartmouth Haiti Response. According to Roger Freinthauser, a spokesperson for the Office of Public Relations, D2H stands for all the same things as D2U, only “more intense.”
    “The reason we initially started Dartmouth Daily Updates was so that we could make students feel guilty about all the things they weren’t doing. Informing them about what opportunities they had was definitely not the point. We requested a formal report from Rosenstein Jewish Mothers Consulting Group, and they informed us that guilt was the best way to get things done. And from there, we proceeded with D2U.”
    Some students interviewed by The Dunyun have felt overwhelmed by having both D2H and D2U in their inbox at the same time, complaining of a “guilt overload.”
    “Look,” said Brian Marshall ’12. “I already get a daily update on all the cool things on this campus that I’m not doing. I really don’t need a daily update on all the ways that I can literally be saving dying people that I’m not doing anything about. Jesus, it’s like my mother followed me to college.”
    Once D2U is discontinued, D2H will be given full reign over all reminders at the College, with every example being tied back to Haiti.
    Katie E. Sulleb ’10, who is responsible for the daily Haiti Updates, said, “literally every single thing can be put in terms of Haiti and help make people feel guilty. If there’s some lecture on the intricacies of Southeast Asian literature, we can remind you how Haitian schools were destroyed and that they’d do anything to be able to listen to that lecture.”
    Matthew Jones ’10 said that D2H had an uncanny effect on his conscience.
    “I mean, damn,” said Jones. “Those Haiti Updates make me feel guilty about things that nobody should ever feel guilty about. Like, sure, during my freshman Orientation, I felt guilty if I didn’t go to an a cappella show. But now, I see a cappella for what it is. Yeah, good for you. You took a song that would be good, if you just used instruments, and made it not as good by removing the instruments. Sweet. But then this Haiti thing comes along and they actually manage to make me feel guilty about missing an a cappella show because somehow the proceeds will help a child survive. Damn.”
    Sulleb has high hopes for the future of D2H.
    “The longer we can milk this Haiti thing, the longer we can stay in the spotlight. And it’s not like ‘drunk in FoCo’ facetime, but humanitarian facetime. Covered by the Associated fucking Press. So I’m immune to being made fun of for that. Right? Anyways, the switch from D2U to D2H gives us free reign to sit around and smell our own farts until we graduate. Mmm… they smell so good. I have no idea why everybody can’t agree that my farts smell terrific. Anyways, then some other KDEs, err, I mean, campus celebs, I mean, activists, yes activists, can do take over and put their farts into everybody’s inboxes every single day.”