Obese Freshman Plans To Rush The Hop

Freshman William Thornton publicly announced Saturday his plans to "hang out more" at The Hop in hopes of earning a bid there during next fall's pledge term.

The former lightweight rower realized that he simply did not fit in anywhere else.  After developing a case of manorexia during his final crew season in high school, Thornton decided to let himself "eat a sandwich now and then" to relieve the pressure.  He ballooned in size at an ungodly pace, reaching a weight of 280 pounds by the end of the summer.

When Thornton arrived on campus in the fall of 2009, he met with Dartmouth lightweight crew head coach Daniel Roock, who purportedly expressed "fear" at the magnitude of his star recruit.

"He came to meet with me one afternoon and he was just...huge," Roock explained, "and then he told me lightweight crew wasn't for him anymore.  He said it was time for him to break free and be a real bro."

Since his departure from the world of rowing, Thornton has spent the vast majority of his waking hours at the Hop, attempting wholeheartedly to infiltrate the world of the Dartmouth bro.

"I love hanging out at the Hop," he told The Dunyun in an exclusive interview, "There's just so many sweet dudes there, crushing Breakfast Bombs and Billy Bobs all day."

Asked where he wanted to eat dinner the night of February 2, 2010, Thornton replied, "Definitely the Hop.  I know all the brothers there."  When reminded that the Hop doesn't have brothers, Thornton stuck his sausage-like fingers in his ears and yelled "I can't hear you" repeatedly.

"Every time I tell him the Hop isn't a frat, he just kinda freaks out," Thornton's roommate said about him, "He thinks I'm telling him that so there's less competition for bids and 'the biddies that come along with them'."

Thornton has gone to extreme measures in his attempt to gain the attention of the Hop's nonexistent brotherhood.  He has been seen knocking on the back door in an attempt to "get on table" after the dining facility was closed.  "They must not let any freshmen guys into their parties," he said after the incident, visibly saddened. "It's fine, though.  I'll get the basement code when I rush."

The Hop is known campus-wide as a veritable watering hole for bros with inordinately high caloric intakes.  The green DDS aprons of the sweaty men and women at the grill are a familiar symbol of sandwiches combining eggs, beef, and cheese into delicious and hearty meals.  To William Thornton, though, these green aprons are more than a backdrop.  "I want to wear the green apron. I want to be the green apron," he said, rubbing his gut lustfully.

Thornton's daily protein count is more than four hundred percent the amount recommended by the USDA.  It is so high, in fact, that he has been invited to appear as a guest on MTV's hit show, the Jersey Shore, to share his secrets of protein consumption.

"What's my secret?  Just replace protein shakes and exercise with an Italian Steak Bomb or two.  You'll be quitting sports and beefing up, stat!"

Thornton's acquaintances have begun calling him "Billy Bob" Thornton in concert with his impressive ingestion of the popular breakfast wrap.

-Bob Roberts '13