Mass Student Action Leads Hanover Police to Provide Oral Pleasure to Student Body

Following a number of demonstrations last week led by Dartmouth undergrad Ted Bailey ‘11, the Hanover Police force has enacted a new policy to provide oral sex to any student who so wishes to be pleasured. This latest victory in the fight for student freedom comes after the crushing blow to HPo’s short-lived plan to conduct sting operations in Greek basements, a defeat that Bailey believed was evidence that the police “need to change up their priorities to fulfill the desires of students. And what Dartmouth student doesn’t have the desire for free head?” The demonstrations included a mass parade down Main Street attended by at least 1800 students as well as non-stop picketing in front of the police station in Lyme for four days straight. Picketers at the rally held signs proclaiming, Pubic Service from Public Servants!” “Why incarcerate when you can fellate?” and “Please don’t sting us, cunniling-us!”

Police Chief Joe Giaccone resisted the demands of the protestors until yesterday, when he was contacted by Don Reeder, the Chair of the Board of Selectmen, and told that his job may be in jeopardy. “That was when I realized I’m just a small town cop. These kids are powerfully privileged in ways I’ve never dreamed of, and they do not take no for an answer. If Patrick Bateman met Andy Griffith, who do you think would force fellatio on whom? I’m just asking. I’m just asking.” Giaccone tried to appeal to Reeder, but was told that Reeder’s first cousin owns EBA’s and his third cousin is Jack Stinson. “He then warned me, ‘Don’t ever take sides with anyone against the Family again,’ and hung up. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this. Just…if you know of anyone who has recently found a decapitated horse, let me know.”

Many students are touting the enactment of the new policy as a sign of the police force’s dedicated commitment to public service. Yet some remain skeptical. Harrison Manning ’10, a member of Bones Gate Fraternity, has started a Facebook group called “Students Against HPo Public Lip Service” which aims to warn students against the possible ulterior motives of the Hanover Police. “This has to be a trick, right? We can’t just literally make them get on their knees and submit to our will. Do you think they’ll use teeth on purpose?”

Manning also suggests that the police are just trying to gain power through orgasms and obtain crucial information about underage drinking from vulnerable pillow-talk situations. “I cannot tell you how honest I am after I nut. Seriously. I once told a girl that I used to set up tea parties with my action figures and I named them all ‘Lesbian’ because I didn’t know what it meant. Then I cried. She was like, really, really good in bed. There is no telling what kind of illegal roof-surfing and virgin sacrifice the police might find out about through this new tactic. What if someone tells them about BG’s Rubbing Alcohol School during pledge term? It’ll be all over for us.”

Bailey remains insistent, however, that the Hanover Police have shown a genuine resolve to meet the desires of the students, and is enthusiastic about the victory. “Do you know how many times I’ve grabbed my package and told some jerk-off to suck it? But they never actually complied! This is a power unlike any I have ever known. If only it had worked on that ump during that little league state championship, I might not be a registered sex offender now. Dare to dream, right?”

Interested parties who are residents of Hanover may call 911 at any time to be paired up with hot sexy police singles in your area.