PC Police Discover Effective Communication Method: Anonymous Messages

    Borrowing tactics from several other campus groups, the PC Police placed signs in front of objectionable Greek houses on Wednesday morning to encourage better tactics of behavior. Although the messages were unsigned, campus consensus indicates that the PC Police are behind them. It is well known that the PC Police are a secret group, despite their tendency to send campus-wide emails. To locate a member of the group, a reporter from The Dunyun went to the Collis Cafe and asked the assembled crowd, "Who wants to hear a joke about the religious practices of a homosexual Eskimo?" The reporter was immediately approached by PC Police representatives.
    The PC Police member was kind enough to explain her group's motives in placing the signs.
    "Well, we saw the effectiveness of other forms of anonymous posting on campus," she said. "Remember when the Daughters of Dartmouth put all those signs up denigrating frats and male sports teams? See what happened? All the frat boys on campus saw how horrible the Greek system was and de-pledged. No more Greek system, and it's all thanks to some anonymous posting."
    The Dunyun tried to tell her that getting taken off of every frat's blitz list is not the same as the dissolution of the Greek system, but she wouldn't hear a single word of it.
    "And then look at Bored@Baker," she continued. "The anonymous posters on there were having such a terrible effect on campus. They were making straight kids realize that they were gay. Secret societies started tapping people that were anonymously confirmed to be in the society. AGORA meetings dropped to zero attendance. Northside Cuttings Café sold out of piping-hot calzones. And the philanthropy chair of Sig[ma] Nu with a 3.1 rounded himself up to 4.0 AD Dragon president Goldman internship. It was too much. So we decided to go on Bored@Baker and tell the people posting what terrible people they were, and what happened? Everybody stopped posting because we anonymously called them bad people. Easy peasey, lemon squeezey."
    Members of Psi Upsilon, Chi Gamma Epsilon, Kappa Delta Epsilon, and Sigma Phi Epsilon have expressed their deep regret for their actions. Sig Ep, whose shirt said only, "It's Winter Carnival, so some (but not all!) of our members will responsibly indulge in some alcoholic beverages," apologized, despite the fact that there was no sign in front of their house.
    Phineas Tenniswhites '10, the public relations chair of Psi U, said that his house will completely reform its ways based on the sign.
    "If somebody cares enough to anonymously put a sign in front of our house, then that means we did something to deserve it," said Tenniswhites. "After we saw that sign, we decided to burn down the house, pee on the ashes, go through pledge term again, and then re-evaluate our actions. If they had said something to our face, we would've just ignored them. But an anonymous sign? That's some real business."
    Members of Greek houses that did not get signs in front of their houses all expressed a feeling of relief.
    "Shackle avoided, man," said Phi Delt President Geoffrey Tunamelt '10. "I think somebody put a sign in front of the house, but I'm too depressed to go anywhere near it and check. You know, because of the fire and everything." (Still too soon!)
    When asked if he was sad that Phi Delt didn’t get in on the latest round of Greek relevancy, Tunamelt said, “I don’t know. I guess I don’t care.”
    After realizing that anonymously posting is the best way to get things done, The Dunyun ceased its actions in the journalism field and started work in the political field, citing its newfound influence on the campus.
    So, our closing notes: Theta Delt still sucks.