Administration Confident $100 Million Budget Deficit Will Be Fixed By Enforcing Parking Tickets

Dartmouth College today revealed the Board of Trustees' initial plan to close the $100 million budget gap in the upcoming fiscal years.

Board Chair Ed Haldeman '70 giddily announced, "After careful research, loads of creativity, and a little bit of fun, the Board is proud to announce some inspired solutions to this budget crisis. Our primary objective will be the enforcement of parking tickets, as Survey Monkey research shows the average Dartmouth student owes $600 in unpaid parking tickets. $600 multiplied by A-Lot equals crisis solved, and maybe even some money left over to subsidize medicinal marijuana for the FoCo Grill employees and bring back Quizno's. Mmm toasted."

While parking tickets will provide the bulk of this new revenue stream, Haldeman later highlighted other ingenious solutions, including "paying more for median A classes," "no more jello at the Hop," "Odwalla pong," "only Vanilla fro-yo," and "eliminating Stacks levels 3 and 4."

President Kim said, "This is a great day at Dartmouth College for with the budget crisis solved, we can now return to Dartmouth's mission statement: Save the World. We have already spent far too much time focusing on issues within Hanover and it is time we realize Dartmouth's dynamic place in the world community. I paid my $300 parking ticket today and now I'm ready to move on."

Dunyun reporters asked Haldeman about the staff layoffs in the plan and he responded, "Now, our plan, which I like to call Creativity in the Community, is truly something innovative. There will not just be late fees for class registration, but late fees for tardy students. S and S golf carts will replace SUVs and ORL-esque fines can now be assessed to fraternities. Upside down furniture, holes in the wall, and upper-decked toilets are now going to cost you, whether in Tri-Kap or Russell Sage. Oh and my favorite; we are setting up 'curse jars' throughout campus so if an S and S officer hears a naughty word, you have to put a dollar in the jar. It's going to be a fucking gold mine. Oh oops!"

Jeff Stern '11 commented, "Is this serious? I have to pay my parking tickets now. Shit." Stern did not have a dollar for the "curse jar" but luckily the S and S officer allowed him to put his fine on DA$H.