Students Plan Candlelight Vigil in Memoriam to their Lost North Face Jackets

In a bold move that has caused much discord across campus, Leah Archibald ’12 has organized a candlelight vigil on the Green tonight to mourn the loss of hundreds, possibly thousands, of students’ North Face jackets over the years. The vigil comes just on the heels of a similar memorial held last night to lament forthcoming staff layoffs, leading some members of Students Stand with Staff to complain that the new vigil will diminish their efforts, and also that Archibald is a “smelly poophead copycat.”

Candlelight vigils, while typically reserved to commemorate instances of genocide or assassination, are quickly becoming a popular response on campus to anything and everything that makes people sad. Archibald admits that she did first conceive of the idea from Students Stand with Staff, explaining, “Until those kids showed me the possibilities of what we can do to memorialize losses that are extremely devastating to us, I felt powerless. Like, I could send out a campus-wide blitz, but what else could I do after everyone immediately deleted it? I felt my voice just wasn’t being heard.” She claims the first vigil made her realize that “candlelight vigils are fair game for everybody. Hundreds of students across campus support my efforts, and our concerns and demands should not be taken lightly.”

It is estimated that upwards of four dozen cell phones, fifteen IPods, one hundred unused condoms, seven passports, two thousand dollars, and three baby teeth have gone the way of North Face robbery since the beginning of 09F alone. “This is a cause everyone can get behind. People keep telling me it’s not like I lost my livelihood, but my Blackberry was my livelihood. Seriously. Actually. Literally.”

Harper Mathis ’10, the student leader of Students Stand with Staff, fears Archibald’s vigil will take the attention away from “more pressing issues, like my own ego. You know, candlelight vigils really are a great go-to when faced with a problem you just don’t feel like offering a solution to, but that really bothers you anyway. It’s like a communal pity party. But my candlelight vigil won’t sound nearly as good in an interview if everybody starts jumping on the bandwagon.”

Mathis also addressed many students’ concerns that a candlelight vigil is inappropriate for such matters. “Sure, some people throw judgmental side-eyes my way because it’s not like anybody got shot, but I just go on and brush my shoulders off. These layoffs really show that the College prioritizes the quality of education for their students and long-term financial security over making sure that everyone is happy for all time. I don’t want to go to a school that hires anyone without a contractual clause that says ‘Till death do us part.’ What kind of heartless bastard would fire someone just because they can’t afford to pay their salary anymore? There are so many other options, like, well…I’m not sure. But there are.” Mathis was beginning to lose this reporter’s attention, until he lit a candle and softly murmured, “Goodbye Souleyman,” while a single tear rolled down his cheek. Suddenly, he was definitely right.

Archibald also shared with the Dunyun her plans to stage a hunger strike until EBA’s starts taking calls until 3 a.m. and to chain herself to the physical plant of Kappa Delta Epsilon “until they give me a bid. I was robbed!” Both Archibald and Mathis are excited about adding their efforts to their resumes, for the common good.