Recent Study Shows Pong Victory Guarantees Hook-Up With Female Partner

An ENGS 12: Sex Mechanics group recently presented a comprehensive study to the entire department, headlined by the finding that a “pong victory guarantees hook-up with female partner.”

The study traced twenty games of Male/Female pong from start to finish (ha). And found that winners were met with a hook-up 100% of the time. Losers on the other hand hooked-up only once post-loss and the ENGS group reported that team was “dating” whence “pong doesn’t matter anymore.” No clue what whence means.

Project leader, Max McManus ’10, explained to a packed Thayer lecture hall, “Now that we are certain Pong success always ends in Poon, we must examine the motives. If a female agrees to Pong with a male, a connection is instantly built. The male sees this as an early form of consent. And if the team is victorious, the male suddenly becomes the alpha in the female’s eyes. He now holds table and her heart. Most males play one more game with the female and if victorious again, ceremoniously step off with claims of ‘I’ve got a 10A tomorrow’ or ‘I like to be in bed before EBAs closes, helps me sleep more soundly knowing they’re still delivering,’ and then proceed to pursue Poon. If the males lose the second game, he whispers to his potential lay, ‘It’s just pong,’ and then whisks her out of the basement.”

 The study continued that the post-victory hook-up occured in a “hallway,” “bathroom,” or “outside the female’s dorm,” and 70% of the time led to “dome.” Common pre-hook up lines included, “We won at pong,” ”You had a couple good saves,” “I almost like pong as much as you,” and the very popular, “Do you kiss better than you save?” Others simply produced the game-winning pong ball, winked, and then successfully swooped in for the kiss.

Bobby Landon ’13, an ENGS 12 student, commented, “I have known this all along. The more cups you sink, the more vag you get. I call it pong and dong. If I win at pong, she’ll probably be feeling my dong. If I win, it’s going in. But if I lose, there are other bros for her to choose. It’s very simple.”

Rebecca Marx ’10 stormed out of the conference and later told Dunyun reporters, “This is completely bogus. Pong is a silly game to get you drunk, not foreplay. I need some good conversation with a guy before we hook-up and most of the time, frat music is too loud to even talk. Did they really do a study on this? This is ridiculous."

McManus concluded his presentation by inviting audience members to his ECON 33 presentation on GDP: Getting Dome Project, and to play pong.