Studies Show Fraternity Puppies Get Everyone Laid

    Conclusive reports conducted by the Sociology Department have recently come to the forefront of campus discourse: whenever a fraternity acquires a puppy, each of the fraternity’s members will get laid within 72 hours of the acquisition. For years, Sociology Professor Karen Swanson has been compiling data on the correlation between dog ownership and d wetness. 
    “The data has been shocking,” said Swanson. “We didn’t want to make the findings public until we were 100% sure. The secret had to be kept from the world that a fraternity with a puppy will be guaranteed to get ass within three days.”
    The fraternities with puppies observed during the study were Alpha Delta, Theta Delta Chi, Bones Gate, Gamma Delta Chi, Psi Upsilon, and Phi Delta Alpha. The fraternities without puppies that were observed as foils were Sigma Nu and Zeta Psi.
    “The first thing we noticed was that fraternities that didn’t have dogs, like Sig Nu and Zete, really weren’t tapping that ass as much as frats with dogs, like AD, TDX, and Psi U. So at first we tried to run some analysis on the correlation between dogs and muff-diving, but that didn’t get us anywhere.”
    Fraternities such as Phi Delt and Sigma Alpha Epsilon presented major problems to this pattern. During the course of a normal week, approximately three girls could be seen in the physical plants of either fraternity. Lately, the number of girls at Phi Delt has dropped to zero (too soon!). However, the number of slampieces to be had in Phi Delt and SAE never permanently dropped to zero, so Swanson kept looking for an explanation.
    “After staring at the data for long enough, we noticed that there was a serious spike in coital interactions for the first few days that a fraternity had a dog. And then it hit us: puppies! So we checked the numbers, and it was astounding. We had to do more research.”
    Swanson contacted Hanover Police Chief Nicholas Giaccone to use one of his legendary “snitches” to finish up her research. The girl was sent into a fraternity that had recently acquired a puppy and was told to act naturally, not knowing the purpose of her visit. The Dunyun reached her for comment afterwards.
    “What? Oh, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Went in, talked to a few people, stayed above the influence, saw a puppy, took my clothes off, you know… the usual.”
    Other females gave similar reports, although none seemed aware of the connection between a puppy and taking their clothes off. Fraternity brothers similarly had no awareness of the connection.
    “Girls like puppies?” said Psi Upsilon brother Matthew Dushes ’10. “Really? No way. I was just running my go-to from the playbook of talking about i-banking. That shit always gets me some attention. Although that puppy thing would explain why they all wanted to hook up with me immediately afterwards…”
    Swanson said she was hesitant about releasing her findings, afraid of what it could do both to the puppy population of the Upper Valley, as well as to the inhibitions of campus females.
    “This might start some sort of chain reaction where every fraternity gets a puppy, even those who aren’t fit to care for one. Clearly the ones that already have dogs have them because they’re the most qualified to care for them, and the ones that are dogless are that way because they know that they’re too sadistic to properly care for an animal. Just look at the examples. GDX and BG are clearly warm, loving environments for puppies. But I shudder to think what Sig Ep would do with a living creature.
And then on top of that, I’d be doing the women of this campus a disservice. They’re completely powerless to the appeal of a puppy. And not only will it make them want to pet the puppy, it will also make them want to pet its owner. It’s like an AXE commercial come to life. Even the ugliest dude could get the most desirable girl if he had the right puppy. We even ran a test-run where we gave a Sig Nu a puppy for one weekend and he got laid three times. I can’t in good conscience give away the secret to that power. We might as well just throw out Darwin’s theories.”
    At this point, The Dunyun stopped the interview to go find a puppy.