Friend From Home Claims, "Girls Are So Much Hotter At My School"

After standing on the Chi Heorot dance floor for a few minutes Saturday night, Chase Nickel, a junior at UMass-Amherst, turned to his friend Eric Range ’11, and said, “Dude, girls at my school, so hot bro.”

Nickel had been visiting for the Winter Carnival weekend and reportedly texted Range en-route, “Can’t wait man. Looking to get some prime Dartmouth dome.”

He however spent much of Friday night, sitting on the side of Chi Gamma Epsilon’s Dance Party, asking his friend, “Which one of these chicks should I get with?”

Jessica Tolver ’11, a friend of Eric Range, observed, “Yeah the kid was really weird. He kept asking me which one of my friends he was most likely to have sex with. And then when he got rejected, he started muttering to himself about how he just doesn’t know how to pick up ugly girls. Someone’s just pissed he didn’t get any.” 

Chase Nickel spent much of the next morning telling Range of “crazy hook-up stories at school” and how he is “pretty sure one girl he boned later did a porno.” He showed Range a picture on Facebook of him with four girls, winked at his friend, and said, “Quad stacking bro.” This was suspiciously the only Facebook photo Nickel had been tagged in all semester, and none of the girls were smiling.

Later that night, Nickel and Range headed to Chi Heorot for tails before the dance party. Nickel attempted to work his charm on the ladies by asking if he could “nut”. He was eventually left alone doing shots in the corner.

Another friend of Range, Michelle Olivier ’10, commented, “That kid sucked. What a creep. He asked me if I wanted to check out the upstairs scene. We were already upstairs. Then when he tried to dance with me, never seen anyone pop a boner that fast. Buckle that shit up.”

After a few fails through the dance floor, Nickel found his friend and yelled, “I’ve been here two nights now man and I got to say, haven’t seen anything worth my going for. Must be tough dude up here. Like at the UMass of Ass, I’ve got so many choices.”

Eric Range finally had enough and yelled back, “Here’s my card. Go back to my room and jerk off.”

Chase Nickel was last seen dancing alone on the Heorot benches, still rocking that boner though.