Winter Carnival Briefs

A police blotter report showed Michael Richardson ’78, a high-ranking officer at Morgan Stanley, was Good Sammed last night. He blew a .28 and repeatedly told the arresting officer, “This wouldn’t have even been buzzed back in the day.”

Studies show doing it in the Coliseum increases male endurance 4.6% but “shrivel the testes terribly”.

Novack employees reported Jeff McElroy ’12 put $2000 on his DA$H down at a bake sale for Haiti and screamed, “Darfur is saved!” McElroy’s pin was later found to be invalid.

Various sources (himself, definitely S and S, himself, some kid from his floor, that guy from FoCo, oh and definitely S and S) witnessed Josh Nicks ’13 “poop off the snow sculpture”.

James Elrond ’10 arrived at the Polar Bear swim completely naked and alerted staring DOC members, “Cold is mental. Plus I’m hammered.” He was later seen “fornicating” in the Coliseum.

S and S officers prevented Timothy Johnstone ’11 from competing in the Human Dog Sled Race because his Michael Vick jersey would “cause too much of a scene” plus “it’s not even that funny anymore.”

Pete Brooks ’13 woke up all his friends this morning for the “Breakfast Bomb Challenge”, a tradition he is trying to start where “we open the Hop every morning of Winter Carnival and eat Breakfast Bombs.” His friends were reportedly “pissed off” and “don’t even like fucking Breakfast Bombs.”

A Collis front desk employee called S and S on track star Alec Noff ’12 after he “purchased 5 long sleeve Winter Carnival shirts, removed all the sleeves, and attempted to return them right away.”

           

Dunyun reporters noticed the Facebook status of Michelle Axelrod ’00, “Going up to Dartmouth for Carnival. Last time I’m part of some silly freshman’s decade. Then I’m just old.”

There have been numerous Good Sam calls to the 1902 room this weekend, with such messages as, “Fucking blacked-out nerds in there. Heard they have kegs. Get ‘em.” None of the picked-up individuals have had any alcohol in them but BAC levels on SAMs have been too high lately; this helps the situation.