Sig Ep Shocks Campus in Hazing Scandal

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” – Kaiser Soze

The recent Hanover Police raid on Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity revealed a world of sadistic and gruesome hazing that nobody saw coming. Neighbors to the fraternity said that they saw flashing lights “and a lot of yelling” early in the morning on Thursday. Two of Sig Ep’s pledges were sent to the hospital, and all members of the fraternity were referred to professional psychiatric care.
In September, as part of a nationwide effort to crack down on fraternity hazing, Hanover Police sent officers undercover as pledges to all fraternities on campus, “regardless of reputation,” according to Hanover Police Chief Nicholas Giaccone.
“Most of what our officers found was very run-of-the-mill,” said Giaccone. “But nothing could have prepared us for what we found in Sig Ep. Everybody else came back with stories of elephant walks, vomiting, and strippers. The guy who we sent into Sig Ep couldn’t speak for the next three days and his hand was shaking too much to write down the story. He just kept whispering to himself and rocking back and forth.”

While stories are only beginning to come to the surface, it seems that Sig Ep has been maintaining a code of silence about the pledge term punishable by death for many years.
One recent pledge, who begged The Dunyun in tears to remain anonymous, said, “The most grueling part was the lies. I mean, what we did in that house was horrific. But then coming back to my roommate and pretending that nothing had happened was horrible. He would sit there and talk to me about how difficult it was to wear a red hat around. And all of this while I literally have dried blood under my fingernails. And I have to say how glad I am that I don’t have a pledge term, because wouldn’t that be terrible if I had to wear a red hat. Can you imagine that?”
One rumor indicates that Sig Ep pledges had to participate in an act called “munging.” Acceptable standards of journalism prohibit The Dunyun from publishing the details of what is involved in munging, but Urban Dictionary’s got your back on that one. But we would like to advise you not to look up the term if you get queasy easily or don’t find disgusting things hilarious.
Giaccone said that police officers are still uncovering evidence of hazing.
“I can only imagine what those kids went through. We’ve even received reports that one pledge had to break up with his girlfriend, citing fictional doubts over his sexual identity. And the web of lies… I used to do some detective work down in Baltimore. You know the show, The Wire? Yeah, it’s based on… Anyways, the level of secrecy that Sig Ep maintained in their pledge term trumps anything that anybody in Baltimore could muster.”
When Sig Ep’s pledge trainer was apprehended by Hanover Police, he repeatedly said to himself, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” Hanover Police has so far not been able to identify the pledge trainer, and found that he had surgically removed his fingerprints. None of the other members could be pressed to provide his name. All simply referred to him as “Kaiser Soze.”