North Korea Project Finishes Project, Disbands

The North Korea Project at Dartmouth College announced yesterday that they are disbanding, having accomplished all of their goals as a student organization. The NKP, aimed to "educate the Dartmouth community of the human rights issues concerning North Korea," arrived at the conclusion that everyone has learned all there is to know about North Korea.

Stephanie Flynn '11, chairman of the NKP, said in an interview with the Dunyun, "We figured we've done all we can. If students still don't know that the situation in North Korea is bad, it's their own damn fault. We blitz out at least twice a day. We sell shit in Novack. And one term we even hosted an event! Consider the Dartmouth community educated.

Psi U to Rent Out Social Space for Local Bar Mitzvahs

Psi Upsilon has announced it will rent out its social space to local Bar and Bat Mitzvahs during its stint on probation. Since its probation prohibits the use of alcohol on the premises, Psi U sees this cherished Jewish ritual as a profitable use of its unused basement.

The inaugural affair will be the Bar Mitzvah of Adam Weisfeld, a resident of nearby Etna, New Hampshire. The service will be held on the first floor of the house, with the reception planned for the frat's basement.

EDPA Offers Campus True Incentive for Participation

Today, hundreds of Dartmouth students woke up to/supplemented their nap with/smoked a bowl while reading the most exciting blitz ever sent out to all of campus. More exciting than that time DAO was selling bowls of ramen noodles worth 50 cents each for $3.50. More exciting than that blitz about Coldplay coming to Dartmouth, which ended up being nothing more than an evil ploy to recover anotherfuckingnorthface. Steal another one; there are plenty of frackets in the skeeze. More exciting than President Kim's drunk blitz inviting everyone to the football game. More exciting than the blitz from the Grafton County Treasurer/'10 who lost every single thing she owned of value in some frat, including her passport, debit card, cell phone, a picture of her grandkids, vital organs, and a print-out of her credit score. More exciting than that Lost and Found blitz that reported the loss of Tina Lowry '11's virginity at AD (let the record reflect that all of these more or less
actually happened).

Overheards The D Wouldn’t Print

DDS Cashier: “Sometimes I want to tell fat girls not to order the side of fries. It’s really not helping them out.”

’11 girl: “Now that I’m a BG slut, I get so much free weed.”

’13 Phi Delt: “What’s a clitoris?”

Nick Giaccone: “I’m bored. Anybody wanna play a game of pin the felony on the donkey?”

Friends from Home Seriously Don’t Care How Cold It Is

Despite the greatest efforts of Dartmouth students to covey how big a deal the current subzero temperatures in Hanover are, friends from home have shown no indication that they give a shit.

Stanley Worsham ’13 had phone conversations with over ten of his friends who attend a school in Texas while walking back to Judge dormitory late Sunday night, asking each of them, “Do you know what negative twenty feels like? Because I'm walking in it.” Responses ranged from a puzzled “OK” to “Weren’t you aware that you were going to school in New Hampshire?”

Incipient Dance Party Frustrated by Pong Game

Guests at Chi Gam were irritated on Wednesday when the refusal of a group of '13s to prematurely end their game of pong inadvertently prevented the beginning of a spontaneous dance floor. Though reports indicate that the basement was at capacity and a succession of danceable songs had been playing for several minutes, the brothers physically resisted attempts to flip the last standing table which would have allowed unrestrained dancing to begin in earnest.

"I waited out a line of 3 to get on this table," said Nick Beason '13, one of the brothers. "I don't care if some horny dudes want to get their grind on, I just want to finish my game of tree. Hey, what the fuck! Turn those lights back on!"

2011 and 2014 Class Councils Launch Blind Date Matching Service

In an effort to more effectively cater the social dynamics of Dartmouth, the class councils of the classes of 2011 and 2014 have launched joint blind dating service. The service, which has already sent ten couples on dates, matches a ’14 with an ’11 and gives them $25 to go on a date.

The new joint venture arose out of a general lack of interest in the 2011 Class Council’s attempt at a blind dating service. Complaints about the dates included already knowing why you don’t want to go on a date with each person in your class as well as your typical overplayed Dartmouth X jokes.

Facebook Group Introduces Class of 2015 to the Dartmouth Community

In the wake of newly admitted members of the class of 2015, many students have expressed great excitement about this new batch of Dartmouth students. Several, most of them '14s, have flocked to the "Dartmouth College Class of 2015" Facebook group, enthusiastically participating in the group activities.

Number Zero: Tris Wykes

Bet you fuckers thought that we were done with the countdown. Think again. We’re coming back with number zero on our list of People of the Year for 2010.

Technically, Tris Wykes’s major claim to fame at Dartmouth happened at the end of 2009, but we’re willing to overlook that, since we didn’t do a People of the Year last year.

Tris Wykes, in case you forgot, is the Valley News reporter who broke the story about anti-Semitism at a squash match against Harvard where students yelled things like “bagel”.

I’m going to abandon The Dunyun’s traditional satirical style for this article on Tris Wykes. I can’t even bring myself to say anything nice about him sarcastically.

 You, Mr. Wykes, are everything that is wrong with the world today.

Number One: The Farmville Couple

Number One on The Dunyun’s prestigious People of the Year list goes to the Farmville Couple.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Farmville Couple, these were a (presumably) married pair of incredibly overweight individuals who would come to the public computers on First Floor Berry and play Farmville.

For hours. I’m talking six-hour stretches. They would literally sit and watch the digital grass grow.

#2: Nick Giaccone

Officer Giaccone has done nothing in his time as Hanover police chief that was not valiant, useful, and downright altruistic. Freedom isn’t free! It takes the hard work of individuals like Nicholas H. Giaccone (the H is for hero) to build solid communities like the one we’ve got right here, folks! Build ‘em from the ground up. If not for him, who knows how many young 20-year-old children would end up in the hospital without subsequently being shunned by a Greek house where they weren’t even necessarily drinking? Who knows how many of our innocent youth would have to trek into open basements for possibly skunked Keystones instead of pre-gaming hard liquor in their rooms that their trip leader/UGA/sibling/fraternity brother/sorority sister/expired fake in Burlington/daddy’s money on a weekend trip to Montreal got them?

#3: The Hero of the Football Team

Now don’t get me wrong, it pains me as much as the rest of us to see someone related to the football team in 2010’s three most influential people at Dartmouth. I’ll probably regret it next time there are fifteen people ordering burger specials in front of me in the grill line, but sometimes, someone comes along whose impact simply can’t be denied. Coming in at number three on the Dunyun’s top 10 of 2010 is the MVP of this year’s varsity football team, Sacred Heart kicker Jesper Fredriksson.

It’s rare that the success of an entire season can be credited to a single player, but Fredriksson is the exception to the rule. With time expiring and his team trailing by two points, he missed a chip-shot field goal to give Dartmouth it’s first winning season since 1928 and making the largest single contribution to Dartmouth football since that ’09 tried to sleep with everyone in GDX.

Number Four

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#5: Jim Gusanoz- Businessman of the Year

2010 was a banner year in the business community at Dartmouth. The endowment started to recover, Tridelt reclaimed the top spot in the Novack bake sale circuit and DDS turned a profit (just kidding). However, one man made some of the boldest business moves in Hanover history, challenging an age-old monopoly and brining both the free market and late-night Mexican cuisine to Hanover: Jim Gusanoz.

#6: Janet the Bikini Waxer

#6 on our illustrious list of Dartmouth’s most influential people of 2010 is the fierce, feisty, and unspoken secret hero to countless Dartmouth students: Janet from Hanover’s “Youthful Solutions” salon (not to be confused with Crystal at Hilde's, who goes certifiably Xena-Warrior-Princess-with-flypaper on your ass).

Number Seven: Self-Righteous D Opinion Columnists

Number Seven on our list of People of the Year goes to Self-Righteous D Opinion Columnists. Sure, they’ve been around for a while. Yes, they’ve been complaining about stuff for decades. But this year saw them take their griping to a whole new level.

That’s right. We’re looking at you, Mr. I’m-a-good-person-because-I-hate-the-Greek-system. And you, Ms. Football-players-are-dumb-and-I-think-I’m-the-first-person-to-bring-this-to-your-attention. You really made the world a better place with your words.

Number Eight

Number Eight: Collis Rey

I know we just did a number 8 but a '14 wrote it. Here's another number 8.

Collis Rey earns the number 8 spot on The Dunyun's most influential people of 2010 list because he's the Dave Matthews of Dartmouth College. They're both on a first-name only bro (Dave, Rey); they both are craved when you're slooshied ("Bro how sick would it be if there was a Dave concert right now?", "Why the fuck isn't Rey serving breakfast sandwiches now? No, I don't want a fucking smoothie") and they both think people who order meatless breakfast sandwiches are pussies. They also both ALWAYS sell-out and may or may not be zooted while performing/serving.

Rey could come in anywhere from 5th to 9th on this list every year--he's more of a Dartmouth institution to me than any fucking Tour Guide bullshit. I'd take that lone sausage sandwich over the Lone Pine anyday.

But the #8 is a special one to Rey, as he finished his education in 8th grade, has 8 children and would love to tell you about his cameo in 8 Mile (made breakfast sandwiches for the cast and told Eminem, "Way to go big guy" after he ordered two bacon ones. Eminem responded, "Shut the fuck up. You don't know me." Rey shot him. He knows everyone.)

'14s Who Touched the Fire

Number 8 on The Dunyun's People of the Year goes to those '14s who were brain-dead enough to believe that running directly into a 50 ft. flame was the best way to prevent 2014 from being the worst class ever. These are the true heroes of the class. They proved that getting 3rd degree burns (and arrested) is better than putting up with a little hazing for one night. I wish I was that cool. I'm so proud to be a '14 right now.

Number Nine

The Dunyun continues its countdown of the ten most important people at Dartmouth in 2010.

Number Nine: Bribable Formal Bus Drivers

The group of people coming in at number nine on our list of the most important people of 2010 may be the most underrated on the list. Many of us pass by them only four times per term, remembering only one or two. They are the formal bus drivers who somehow don’t notice as 60 bottles of Andre plus various other forms of alcohol make their way onto the bus, knowing that it may not leave the bus despite the fact that it will be consumed.

Ironically, these brave souls dedicate their days to protecting the lives of children but a Benjamin can swing their moral compass 180 degrees. Their calculated ignorance can take formal to the next level and makes those 2 hours at the DOC house bearable.

Number Ten

In honor of the New Year, The Dunyun has decided to list our ten favorite people of 2010. We will count down, announcing one each day.

Number Ten: The Kid Who Forgot to Renew Course Guide

Number ten on The Dunyun’s People of the Year goes to the kid who decided to delete all of the old Course Guide reviews. No, it wasn’t Derek Shmanner. It was some piece of shit ’10 who thought that CourseRank was gonna be the hottest thing since sliced bread. WRONG!