'14s Who Touched the Fire

Number 8 on The Dunyun's People of the Year goes to those '14s who were brain-dead enough to believe that running directly into a 50 ft. flame was the best way to prevent 2014 from being the worst class ever. These are the true heroes of the class. They proved that getting 3rd degree burns (and arrested) is better than putting up with a little hazing for one night. I wish I was that cool. I'm so proud to be a '14 right now.

I'm sure these heroic '14s did it for "class pride" or "to uphold tradition." Because seeing dear classmates touch the fire warmed my heart. Oh wait; those were the flaming ashes burning holes through my '14 jersey. "Touch the Fire" is not a serious suggestion, but those mavericks did it anyway. Good for them. That fire's fucking hot.

Touching the fire is like gleefully doing bitch-work as a pledge except instead of everyone cleaning vomit it's just you. And instead of becoming a brother, you end up in the hospital.

"Upperclassmen will love me!" they say. Give me a reason good enough to touch the fire and I'll give you a face-time whore who still tries to start conversation with the Psi U brother who beat him in pong last term. I know you secretly hoped that some upperclassman would recognize you and be so fucking proud of you for giving in to their peer pressure that they'd dirty rush you on the spot.

Unfortunately, everyone was too far away/drunk to make out their faces. So humble fire-touchers resorted to casually slipping their feat into conversation every chance they got. They used subtle segues like, "shit I cannot get Good Sammed tonight, the police are still pissed from when I touched the fire." Or, "what's line? Four? Did you know that I touched the fire?"

These conversations backfired as upperclassmen realized that the kids who touched the fire were not only idiots but also complete tools. This term, look out for our valiant touchers to break out the "I touched the fire, now it's your turn" line to pull tail at the next McLaughlin floor party. "OMG did you really??" Shut the fuck up. You deserve him. That kid who stole the Harvard sign? He's a pussy.

- Bobby Hoover '14