Number One: The Farmville Couple

Number One on The Dunyun’s prestigious People of the Year list goes to the Farmville Couple.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Farmville Couple, these were a (presumably) married pair of incredibly overweight individuals who would come to the public computers on First Floor Berry and play Farmville.

For hours. I’m talking six-hour stretches. They would literally sit and watch the digital grass grow.

They embody everything that 2010 was about. There was chaos and productivity all around them. People were working their asses off in the library trying to get that A so that they wouldn’t dishonor the ancestors. People were in the library fresh from the gym, trying to get ready for Hanover beach season. And here these two were, sitting and doing absolutely nothing productive. They sank below the level of just Facebooking. Farmville is its own monster, and it is in the lowest circle of procrastination hell. Masturbating seems like a 120-hour workweek when you compare it to Farmville.

On the other hand, there was a sweetness to them. I’m willing to bet that they shared farm animals. Or that they fertilized each other’s lawns. When one of their cows had to take a shit, they made sure to shit in the other’s field. Maybe they saved up the shit in a little wheelbarrow and then carted it over to the other’s field as a birthday present. The opportunities for sweetness in Farmville are nearly infinite.

There’s also something just incredibly funny about fat people. Especially in pairs. It’s like that picture of those fat twins riding motorcycles, except infinitely less badass.

If somebody sent you a picture of the Farmville couple sitting on the FFB blitz terminal stools and they were both wearing beige and you blurred your eyes enough, it’d look like a picture of boobs.

All this talk about the Farmville couple makes me wonder who they are in real life. Do they have kids? Are their kids fat? Do they enjoy tending a digital garden, as well? Or are they disgusted that their parents are on Facebook?

My guess is that they’re filthy rich, and just really bored. They made a fortune in Internet porn back before everybody realized that you didn’t have to pay money to masturbate, and ever since then they’ve just been living the leisurely life. Thing is, all they like to do is grow digital food and eat real food.

So here’s to you, you models of apathy and laziness. You help make the rest of us feel really, really good about ourselves in so many ways.