EDPA Offers Campus True Incentive for Participation

Today, hundreds of Dartmouth students woke up to/supplemented their nap with/smoked a bowl while reading the most exciting blitz ever sent out to all of campus. More exciting than that time DAO was selling bowls of ramen noodles worth 50 cents each for $3.50. More exciting than that blitz about Coldplay coming to Dartmouth, which ended up being nothing more than an evil ploy to recover anotherfuckingnorthface. Steal another one; there are plenty of frackets in the skeeze. More exciting than President Kim's drunk blitz inviting everyone to the football game. More exciting than the blitz from the Grafton County Treasurer/'10 who lost every single thing she owned of value in some frat, including her passport, debit card, cell phone, a picture of her grandkids, vital organs, and a print-out of her credit score. More exciting than that Lost and Found blitz that reported the loss of Tina Lowry '11's virginity at AD (let the record reflect that all of these more or less
actually happened).



For once, a Dartmouth organization offered a true incentive to participate in their event: a FREE pair of SOCKS! (while supplies last). This was not merely a "free pair of socks," which may have caused less vigilant readers to simply shrug and apple+D. No, it was a FREE pair of SOCKS. Virgil Dillard '12, the organizer of the event and the mastermind behind the blitz, explains, "A free pair of socks--no caps--is boring. Throw in a TJ Maxx giftcard and you've got yourself the Christmas stocking at your average low-rent household. No offense, but we run a high-class organization." The use of thrilling capital letters, asterisks and exclamation points galore, as well as the irresistible thought of warmer toes made this an offer that no Dartmouth student in their right mind could refuse. I'll do you a great service and republish it here in all its glory:


(EDPAs) From: Eating Disorders Peer Advisors
>Date: 26 Jan 2011 10:37:49 -0500
>Subject: TODAY 11-2: Get FREE Socks!!
>To: (Recipient list suppressed)


========================================
**Discover *Your* Relationship with Food and Exercise**
... get a free pair of socks ... enter a drawing for a free massage!


Complete a short survey and meet with a screener. All students who
participate in this Screening will get a FREE pair of SOCKS! (while supplies last).


DATE: Wednesday, January 26th
TIME: 11am to 2:30pm
LOCATION: Collis Commonground
==========================================
Sponsored by Dartmouth College Health Services & Eating Disorder Peer
Advisors
(EDPAs)
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The blitz manages to be both promising and teasingly intriguing, sparking the competitive spirit of the average Dartmouth student who worries that the offer is limited and you must ACT NOW or wind up with the short end of the stick, sockless and cold. How long will these supplies last? Is there really only one FREE pair of SOCKS? Did the person in charge of the t-shirt order just really fuck this one up, leaving the organizers scrambling for cheap alternative incentives at the Dollar Tree? Were they trying to do a spoof on the "Free hat" South Park episode? And why throw in the raffle for a free massage when there are already FREE SOCKS involved? Everyone knows that nothing soothes the body and mind more than a FREE pair of SOCKS. You spoil us, EDPA. I'm not entirely convinced this is even a screening for eating disorders rather than a screening for the DOWNRIGHT INSANITY of anyone who could pass this offer up!

If you slept until 3 and missed this exciting opportunity, I hear they're hoarding the leftover FREE SOCKS at the Gap on Main Street. *SEE* **YOU** *THERE*!!