Number Seven: Self-Righteous D Opinion Columnists

Number Seven on our list of People of the Year goes to Self-Righteous D Opinion Columnists. Sure, they’ve been around for a while. Yes, they’ve been complaining about stuff for decades. But this year saw them take their griping to a whole new level.

That’s right. We’re looking at you, Mr. I’m-a-good-person-because-I-hate-the-Greek-system. And you, Ms. Football-players-are-dumb-and-I-think-I’m-the-first-person-to-bring-this-to-your-attention. You really made the world a better place with your words.

This campus definitely doesn’t have enough complaining. Nobody complains about DDS pricing, and nobody complains about people who have higher GPAs than you do because they supposedly (definitely) take easier classes. Nobody ever, ever complains about how cold it is or what assholes frat guys are. So thank you, self-righteous D opinion columnists, for filling that void. Also, thank you for keeping the market for high horses in Hanover at its remarkably robust status.

You really are bringing things to my attention that I’d never thought about. What’s that, you say? Frats haze pledges? And hazing is ILLEGAL? Oh my God, I never realized. We should stop immediately. And you’re telling me that Dartmouth’s mascot isn’t still the Indian? That’s news to me. I guess I should stop wearing that shirt. Wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m a racist. And how long is the line at the Hop? Too damn long. How high is the rent? Too damn high.

Whoa, you think the Greek system should be co-ed? That’s so, like, progressive of you. I wish I had a medal to give you.

My favorite part about you, self-righteous D columnists, is that you are perfect people. I smelled your shit once after you used the bathroom. It didn’t stink. You’ve never done anything wrong in your life or hurt anybody. You’ve never even jaywalked because you knew that all crimes are bad. You’ve never taken a gut class. You literally don’t see race or gender, which makes pronoun use very difficult for you. And you’re smarter than the rest of us. And righter.

You stood with staff during the layoffs. You held a sign that indicated your support. You stood on that Hanover street corner for two whole hours. You’re the man now, dog.

And I love that you choose to complain only about things that directly affect you, despite your apparent empathy for others. Your eggs came out over easy when you ordered them over medium? Write a DDS column about it and get somebody yelled at by their boss. They should’ve cooked your eggs right in the first place.

So please, continue to complain about trivial shit in The D. And take this Number Seven nod as our token of appreciation to you.

P.S. Yeah, takes one to know one.