Number Eight

Number Eight: Collis Rey

I know we just did a number 8 but a '14 wrote it. Here's another number 8.

Collis Rey earns the number 8 spot on The Dunyun's most influential people of 2010 list because he's the Dave Matthews of Dartmouth College. They're both on a first-name only bro (Dave, Rey); they both are craved when you're slooshied ("Bro how sick would it be if there was a Dave concert right now?", "Why the fuck isn't Rey serving breakfast sandwiches now? No, I don't want a fucking smoothie") and they both think people who order meatless breakfast sandwiches are pussies. They also both ALWAYS sell-out and may or may not be zooted while performing/serving.

Rey could come in anywhere from 5th to 9th on this list every year--he's more of a Dartmouth institution to me than any fucking Tour Guide bullshit. I'd take that lone sausage sandwich over the Lone Pine anyday.

But the #8 is a special one to Rey, as he finished his education in 8th grade, has 8 children and would love to tell you about his cameo in 8 Mile (made breakfast sandwiches for the cast and told Eminem, "Way to go big guy" after he ordered two bacon ones. Eminem responded, "Shut the fuck up. You don't know me." Rey shot him. He knows everyone.)

Rey's been serving those breakfast sandwiches since my official visit back in 6th grade and his Morning grit makes that hangover, 10A, fucking Collis much more bearable in the AM.

He's a big fella, wears a Red Sox cap, rocks the beard for warmth not style and must hunt for his food because he spends all his paycheck buying Snus and then burying it. Long Cut for life. He fits the stereotypical New Hampshire man we ignorantly expected to meet when we migrated here years past. And he serves you sausage, egg and cheese. Whammy.

I considered interviewing him for more information and possibly notifying him of his great achievement but you just gotta let Rey be. He's going to come into work every morning, give you a sandwich (note-he rarely makes the sandwiches, just gives them out), compliment you in one of three ways and then go home to his log-cabin-that-he-built-from-scratch-after-killing-the-Lorax-with-a-nerf-gun-and-pillaging-his-forest.

Rey looks like a magical mix of Hagrid, Chuck Norris and America and he is #8 on our list. Thank you and God Bless.

-Stephen Briggs '12