King Arthur Flour Officially Reduces Sandwich Menu to Tuna or Hummus

In a move many saw as a long time coming, King Arthur Flour has removed every sandwich except for tuna and hummus from its menu. Fans of the popular coffee shop shouldn’t notice any difference because “those are the only sandwiches we ever have anyway,” said KAF employee Martin Holmes.

KAF’s current menu includes many elaborate sounding sandwiches like “curried chicken,” “tomato and chevre,” and “ham,” but Holmes admits that these items are “just for show” and “don’t actually exist, I think.” Sources say that the possibly fake sandwiches were intended to coax customers into waiting in line for 25 minutes for “brie and apple on a baguette:” a sandwich that few have actually seen.

Campus Reeling in Shock After Horrific Revelation that Someone Wanted to be in SAE that Badly

A recent article describing in graphic detail the initiation rituals of one member’s pledge term for Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity has shaken campus. While many critics of the article accuse the author, who chose to not be named due to his general hatred of attention, of exaggeration and lying, the Dunyun does not wish to downplay the horrific nature of this article.

Sarah Flenderson ’12, the Panhell spokeswoman, felt sick after reading the editorial, "I was seriously mortified. I mean, I could barely even finish reading...the blitz from my friend telling me this kid was an SAE."

Chi Gam Sends Brobible Video to Everyone he Knows

Last weekend, video footage of the Chi Gam basement was posted to the Brobible.com home page. The video featured Rick Papajohn ’12 dancing to “Hey Ya” in what Chi Gams are calling “a typical night in the Gam.” Dan Jacobs ’13 first stumbled upon the video during his daily rounds of the Internet (“Dartboard, WSJ, Brobible”), and immediately blitzed the link out to Chi Gam, subject: “Brobible Status—what up.”