Campus Reeling in Shock After Horrific Revelation that Someone Wanted to be in SAE that Badly

A recent article describing in graphic detail the initiation rituals of one member’s pledge term for Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity has shaken campus. While many critics of the article accuse the author, who chose to not be named due to his general hatred of attention, of exaggeration and lying, the Dunyun does not wish to downplay the horrific nature of this article.

Sarah Flenderson ’12, the Panhell spokeswoman, felt sick after reading the editorial, "I was seriously mortified. I mean, I could barely even finish reading...the blitz from my friend telling me this kid was an SAE."



Students across campus wondered why a student would endure such treatment to be in SAE. Guesses included the ability to not be bitten by the SAE dogs while walking to Novack, an affinity for immovable pong tables constructed using an absurd amount of wood, and the tempting soda machine in their basement.

Other students were worried that the editorial would reflect poorly on the college on the hill, “I’m embarrassed to be a Dartmouth student right now,” said Thurgood Watson ’13. “We’re supposed to be some of the smartest people in the world and we shouldn’t have to endure such dehumanizing acts to be accepted. I mean, yeah I'd swim in semen for a Goldman bid, but SAE? Nah."

“It’s about integrity,” Watson continued. “Doing those things to another human being is low. It’s like stooping to physical intimidation against your brother when he reports you for blowing lines off a composite then writing an article in the newspaper about the hazing of that brotherhood to make a name for yourself. That’s a pretty abstract example but you get the point.”

Some students believe that the article was a ploy by the administration to draw attention away from the size of the trays in the new FoCo or the recent Avicii concert that was attended only by CS majors but the rumors are unsubstantiated.

Representatives from SAE declined to speak on the record, but assured the Dunyun that the content of the article is fabricated and no one could possible want to be in SAE that badly.

James Wright could not be reached for comment.