Stuff Dartmouth People Like #3

The BCC: Not since the invention of the three-way phone call has any feature allowed such sneaky inclusion of uninvited guests into a private exchange than the BCC. Blitzmail is an especially useful e-mail server for the BCC, since the whole highlighting-then-responding function is so innate to anyone who’s made it past freshman winter that we forget about covering our tracks. This highlighting function means any number of third parties or even your entire frat can get a front row BCSeat to your shitty flitzing, as well as the pathetic emoticons you get in response (warning: emoticons = desperation. Bitch will cling). You can even BCC yourself on your own blitzes when you’re just so sure that that dick joke was the wittiest and you want a quick way to revisit it. Also, if you mention on your croo application that you always BCC yourself on blitzes, you automatically get chosen. Your self-promotion game is top-of-the-line. I would congratulate you but I’m sure you’ve got it covered.

President Kim Struggles to Find Facetime Outlet in Winter

After spending his October Saturdays pacing the Dartmouth sidelines, President Kim recently realized that he has yet to find a facetime equivalent in his second winter. Sources close to the president told the Dunyun, "It's really about making his presence known to the student body. They should know that he really does care about their pursuits, or at least it should look like he does."

This was accomplished easily in the fall, as he could forcefully announce his presence at well-attended home football games. "He would just jump up and down and pump his arms on the sidelines, and it drove the students crazy" explained the source. "Don't get me started on when he would flash his tight spiral." As intended, Kim's sideline antics were met by several approving remarks, ranging from "wow we have the coolest president" to "did you see his arm!"

However, once football season ended so did his easy access to visibility.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #2: Don Pease

Don Pease is an amalgam of so many things Dartmouth people like: high median grades, feeling like you’re learning something when you’re actually not, alcohol, distribs that you bitch about but are actually really easy to get, and facetime. I will elaborate on each of these points.

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #1

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #1

*Now commences a new Dunyun segment, completely based off the site StuffWhitePeopleLike.com. We'll start at #1 and keep going until we get bored. Any suggestions, please send to the GGMM.

#1 The Magical No-Line at Novack In Between Classes
You scheduled the classic 10, 11, 12 this term to satisfy your hang-out needs. And of course, you've been sleeping 'till 9:30...then 9:35...then 9:40...then 9:45...then 9:50...then showering...then getting there at 10:01 because it's in Rocky. Huge win but there's a major issue, no breakfast bro. You're starving at about 10:42 and consider scooting out to the vending machine but shit, shit, you're out of DA$H and who really carries 1 dollah bills? Peasants.

Clock hits 11:05 and you roll out, next class is in Wilder or don't care where. You need to deal with this hunger now--another 65 without the nosh and you'd probably resort to eating an entire pack of gum and/or making out with a fat chick. Time to go to Novack: Where Snacks Live ™, the perfect in-between place to stuff your face. You stride down that narrow hallway, PUMPED to get a roll or three and then it hits you. Look at that fucking line, it's looping around the Computer corner and you don't see a contact anywhere closer.

Baker Lounge To Provide New Venue For Face-time Jenga

With construction on the new Baker study lounge set to be completed Spring Term, students are excited to have a new location for group studying. '11s are more pumped for another place to play face-timey children's games.

We've all seen 'em. That same group of upperclassmen who throw surprise birthday parties in Home Plate or play Bananagrams in Novack because, hey, Bananagrams is fun.

Brendan Oregano '11 and friends look forward to taking the fun to a whole new part of campus. "People see us and are like, 'Look at those wacky seniors with their games and whatnot! How ironic!'"

Collective Apathy of ’11 Social Chairs Ensures the End of Fun Until Spring Term

The Inter-Fraternity Council and the Panhellenic Council announced today that all ‘11 Greek officers “have just had enough” and are no longer going to do anything. At all. Ever. Stop asking.

“I’ve secretly been praying for probation,” one fraternity’s president said, asking to remain anonymous for fear of repercussion from the younger members of his house who still have left any will to live. “If [house name redacted] would just go silent and if I never had to do a damn thing again, that’d be great.”

Lost & Found: (Loser &) Winner Carnival Edition

Because Frannie Mays is too lazy to post her own articles and this is too good.

Winter Carnival is a confusing time.  Some people win, and most people lose, and nobody succeeds on their Monday midterms (sup English 42?). To return an item, blitz the name at the end of the listing, or if you get social anxiety about confronting the victims of your theft, blitz back and we'll send an anonymized message. No, that isn’t a word, but you’re a thief, so fuck you too. To list an item you’ve lost, or to announce to campus that you drunkenly stole something from Tri Kap (and more importantly, that you were at Tri Kap after freshman fall), please blitz us in the format below. This account does not keep any items, except for dignity and virgins (they keep our skin looking young).

ITEM W/DESCRIPTION [INC. COLOR & SIZE] @ LOCATION (DATE) BLITZ

Nobody Injured in Breakfast Bomb Incident

February 17, 2011
Dartmouth College Safety and Security

At 9:53 this morning, the Hanover Police Special Forces Unit (irony) was called into Courtyard Café at the Hop in response to a reported breakfast bomb. The café was briefly evacuated but students were allowed back in after it was determined that no students had been injured by the bomb.

The police took Alex Farnam ’12, a member of the football team, into custody for allegedly bringing the breakfast bomb into the seating area of Courtyard Café.  However, he was later released when no evidence of the bomb could be found other than several knocked over chairs, an askew table, and scattered papers with illegible markings on them where Farnam and his teammates had been sitting.

Green Team to Team up with EBAs to Combat Dangerous Intoxication Levels

Green Team, Dartmouth’s new bystander intervention program, trained its first group today. The organization, conceived and run by students, aims to equip unmarked bystanders with the tools necessary to help lower the frequency and severity of hospitalizations. Immediately after the training, however, Green Team leaders realized that they didn’t need the help of any Dartmouth students to achieve this goal. They just needed EBAs.

“So here’s the deal,” Miley Smiley ’11 said in an interview with The Dunyun. “We were going to pay four Green Team members $40 each per night to act as bystanders at parties. Decent idea, right? But then we thought about what would happen if we just put that money towards EBAs.”

Critical reception to this new initiative has been unanimous in its praise.

Important Note from the Dunyun

While spending an unfortunate amount of time in the 1902 room last night, I made a startling observation. There is a portrait of a former dean of the college named "Craven Laycock" hanging closest to the door to Baker. If that's not a made up name, then I don't know what is. I would take Hugh Jass or Izzy N. Yet more seriously.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Witty Comment Solidifies Bid at Rush Event

At last Sunday's SAE Super Bowl event, John Angarola '14 clinched a spot in the SAE brotherhood with humorous commentary on the big game. After an errant throw by Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, Angarola outlined to brothers in the vicinity the extent to which Roethlisberger sucks. According to Angarola, "Roethlisberger sucks hard core. He's so b-side. Like, the Sig Nu to Aaron Rogers' SAE. Right guys?"

Response to Angarola's quip was overwhelmingly positive. Jack Reiner '12 admired his grasp of the game, "John's hilarious. Plus he knows his football. There are a lot of people out there who think that Roethlisberger is a decent quarterback. Angarola hit the nail on the head: the guy sucks. Hard core. Did I mention how hilarious he is?"

Four Weeks Later, Student Still Has No Idea What’s Going on in Class

After over four weeks of attending classes, occasionally participating and even making an appearance at office hours, Brandon Riggs ’13 finally realized that he has absolutely no idea what is going on in his philosophy class.

Riggs enrolled in Phil 11: Abstract Concepts when a friend told him that it required “absolutely no work.” This proved true for the first four weeks.

However, the realization that he actually has no idea what the fuck is going on came over the weekend when he attempted to start a four-page paper on a ‘topic of his choice.’ Riggs quickly realized that not only could he not find four pages worth of relevant information to fill a paper, but he also couldn’t even recall a central theme from four weeks of class discussion to serve as his topic.

Dartmouth Men's Basketball to Undergo Rebranding, Hires "Curly" Johnson to Coaching Staff

After posting a 5-13 record through the first half of the season, the Dartmouth Men's Basketball team has announced plans for a program overhaul, beginning with the hiring of former Harlem Globetrotter Fred "Curly" Johnson. Athletic Director Harry Sheehy had hinted at plans to revitalize the struggling program in the fall, but waited for this season's results before acting.

Sheehy spotted Johnson at a basketball court in Tampa, Florida, where he noticed an older man dressed in a timeworn Globetrotters jersey yelling instructions at a group of unsuspecting teenagers. "He kept screaming things I couldn't even understand at the boys. But what got me was the fear in their eyes. They respected him. I knew right then and there that we had found our man," said Sheehy.

Heorot Officially Institutes BYOB Policy

In a move two years in the making, Chi Heorot Fraternity officially voted last week to become Dartmouth’s first BYOB fraternity. The decision came after the winter term social fund, buoyed by winter pledges, ran out four weeks into the term. Although some brothers protested the move, most praised the change as long overdue.