President Kim Struggles to Find Facetime Outlet in Winter

After spending his October Saturdays pacing the Dartmouth sidelines, President Kim recently realized that he has yet to find a facetime equivalent in his second winter. Sources close to the president told the Dunyun, "It's really about making his presence known to the student body. They should know that he really does care about their pursuits, or at least it should look like he does."

This was accomplished easily in the fall, as he could forcefully announce his presence at well-attended home football games. "He would just jump up and down and pump his arms on the sidelines, and it drove the students crazy" explained the source. "Don't get me started on when he would flash his tight spiral." As intended, Kim's sideline antics were met by several approving remarks, ranging from "wow we have the coolest president" to "did you see his arm!"

However, once football season ended so did his easy access to visibility.



Kim and his staff have struggled to find the winter alternative, with many of their attempts failing. "We had him show up to Wednesday night jazz at One Wheelock. He even prepared some saxophone riffs to impress the students. Unfortunately we miscalculated our estimates of student turnout by a fair amount."

"Then we had him participate in building the snow sculpture, but no one else really did, so it had little effect on his visibility."

Slowly, comments referencing Kim regressed from "we're so lucky to have him" to "who built that snow sculpture? That thing sucks."

Kim's latest attempt at campus publicity came last weekend, when he attempted to reveal his presence at the opening night of Eurydice. While seated in his chair before the show, Kim quickly realized that no one could see him in the dark theater. Once the show's curtains were opened, Kim compensated for his invisibility with a loud "whoo! Go Dartmouth Theater!"

At each change in emotion, Kim let out loud boos, hisses, and applauses, to show the audience how captivated he was by the performance. "I guess it was sorta cool he was there," said one actor. "But after the first two scenes it was just annoying. It's really hard to keep your concentration up there when someone's making such a scene in the audience." During the curtain call, Kim rose and briefly reminded everyone how proud he was before launching into one of Hamlet's soliloquys, to emphasize, "He really gets theater," explained one staff member.

Having yet to find his winter visibility niche, Kim hopes to make up for lost facetime in the spring. Early reports hint at Kim possibly exploiting the disappearance of the once prodigious Sun God by unleashing his own brand of Theater-On-The-Walk, a campus inspired rap act naturally known as "Young Kim."

-Teddy Barnaby '14