Collective Apathy of ’11 Social Chairs Ensures the End of Fun Until Spring Term

The Inter-Fraternity Council and the Panhellenic Council announced today that all ‘11 Greek officers “have just had enough” and are no longer going to do anything. At all. Ever. Stop asking.

“I’ve secretly been praying for probation,” one fraternity’s president said, asking to remain anonymous for fear of repercussion from the younger members of his house who still have left any will to live. “If [house name redacted] would just go silent and if I never had to do a damn thing again, that’d be great.”

Despite the fact that there are several weeks left until spring break, the ’11 social chairs have collectively decided that they will put no effort into any social event ever again.

“Monday night?” one social chair said. “Take a cue from Heorot and go BYOB. Wednesday night? I mean, fine, I’ll get enough beer for meetings, but stop asking me about if we’re having a party. And tails? I mean, I’ll buy a couple handles of Zhenka, but you can forget about mixers. No ways, man.”

Despite the fact that the effort required to throw a party at Dartmouth is to send one blitz and to tell Jack Stinson “thirty” instead of “twenty”, the social chairs are adamant.

“It’s bullshit,” said one ’13 member of a sorority. “I mean, our social chairs never did anything anyways, but now they’re taking that to new extremes. They’re not even making sure that other people collect dues and buy beer on their behalf. I didn’t know a person could even get that lazy.”

When asked about the decrease in business after Winter Carnival, Jack Stinson went on a drunken ramble about social chair jackets and the logistical confusions in distributing them. For the last time, Jack, we know that they don’t exist.

One suggestion that was thrown out for ways to reduce drinking on campus was to keep the ‘11s as officers of their houses in the spring, effectively shutting off any large-scale supply of alcohol at Dartmouth. This idea was vetoed, however, when administrators realized that this would mean not only that alcohol would not be purchased, but houses would not be cleaned, nominal community service would not be performed, and forums would not be held.