Dartmouth Men's Basketball to Undergo Rebranding, Hires "Curly" Johnson to Coaching Staff

After posting a 5-13 record through the first half of the season, the Dartmouth Men's Basketball team has announced plans for a program overhaul, beginning with the hiring of former Harlem Globetrotter Fred "Curly" Johnson. Athletic Director Harry Sheehy had hinted at plans to revitalize the struggling program in the fall, but waited for this season's results before acting.

Sheehy spotted Johnson at a basketball court in Tampa, Florida, where he noticed an older man dressed in a timeworn Globetrotters jersey yelling instructions at a group of unsuspecting teenagers. "He kept screaming things I couldn't even understand at the boys. But what got me was the fear in their eyes. They respected him. I knew right then and there that we had found our man," said Sheehy.

Johnson believes his tenure with the Globetrotters can easily translate to the Ivy League game. He remarked on the importance of non-conference games, using his experience playing the perennially losing Washington Generals to show the benefits of a "set-up team." According to Johnson's wishes, games have already been scheduled against both Hanover High School and the Lebanon School for the Blind; teams Johnson said, "Should guarantee some crowd pleasing wins, which is really what playing basketball is all about."

The practice dynamic has also changed, as new drills suggested by Johnson have already been implemented. His self-proclaimed "golden goose," the "pantsing drill," has been heavily featured in recent practices. This exercise challenges defenders to "quickly and sneakily pull down an opponent's shorts", instead of "wasting time trying to steal the ball," explained Alex Sheldon '12, a rejuvenated Small Forward. "If were gonna lose our dignity, they might as well lose theirs too."

Head Coach Tony Douglas lamented, "nothing seems to work, nothing. I've tried everything to motivate these kids. I've literally delivered pregame speeches from every basketball movie ever made. From Hoosiers to Juwanna Man to Teen Wolf. How do you think we won a game? You wouldn't believe how many times I've seen Coach Carter. Maybe this guy knows something I don't."

 Johnson has been spotted around campus in an effort to discover so-called "hidden gems buried in the lunch line." He has not commented, however, on his frequent presence at Women's Volleyball practice, only briefly explaining his insistence on videotaping their practices as "inspiration for my game-planning session later." In unrelated news, Topside employees reported selling Johnson several bottles of Vaseline moisturizer, remarking on his repeated clarification that he "has very dry skin."

-Teddy Barnaby '14