Publication Ceased Until January 2010

Due to disagreements between members of The Dunyun staff over the religious affiliation of this publication, all reporting will be ceased until the holiday season is over. So, with equal enthusiasm from the three of us, The Dunyun would like to wish you (in no particular order) a Merry Christmas, a Happy Channukah, and a Happy Festivus. But, seeing as how we all subscribe to the calendar accepted by the United States government, we'd all like to wish you a Happy New Year. See you in 2010, and look out for our upcoming "Daily Dunyun" digest.

Student Vows to Create Bubble over Green; Development Office Interested

Walking across the Green one cold December night, Paul Yokels ’12 thought to himself, “One day, when I’m a rich alum[nus], I’m going to donate a bubble to go over the Green that’ll be heated so students don’t have to walk through the f***ing cold every night. And then everybody’ll thank me because I solved all of Dartmouth’s problems.” When he returned to his room, Yokels wrote an e-mail to a friend of his stating his intentions and stressing the cold. The Alumni Office and the Development Office received an alert about the e-mail, the first e-mail regarding a donation that they have received in months. Needless to say, they’re taking the proposition very seriously.
“We took over the BlitzMail tracking system from [Safety and Security] a few months ago. I guess they had gotten tired of trying to track all the different characters that [Bones Gate] could use to spell out the names of their drinks and all the different ways people might describe smoking [marijuana] in their rooms. So they gave it to us,” said one source from the Alumni Office who wished to remain anonymous. 
“We have the words ‘donate’ and ‘legacy’ and ‘alum’ tagged as triggers, but normally we just hear about ‘annoying alums’ and ‘undeserving legacies’, but then we got wind of Yokels’s intentions. This could be big. This donation could be what the College needs to project an image of being above budget cuts.”

Jim Gusanoz Wins Mayor of Hanover on "Especial" Ticket

Aided by full Greek support, Jim Gusanoz (I), a local deliveryman and write-in candidate, stunned incumbent Jeffrey Silver (R.) in yesterday’s Hanover mayoral contest. Jim represented the “Especial” party, an independent group championing “free speech, free trade, and free chips”.
He could not be reached at home for comment, but Dunyun reporters found him at his workplace: Gusanoz Taqueria. Even with his new title and responsibilities, the blue-collared American still delivered burritos the next day.
“Hi. Gusanoz. This is Jim. How can I help you?”
“Mr. Mayor, this is Stephen Briggs from The Dunyun. I’d like a chicken House burrito, Cherry Coke, and your thoughts on yesterday’s victory over incumbent Jeffrey Silver.”
“Oh well alright now. Where am I taking this order?”
“Mid-mass. But how does it feel to be Mayor of Hanover?”
“Shit man. Is that what you guys are calling me now? It’ll be $7.25. I’ll be over in 10-20 minutes.”

Sigma Delta Sorority Petitions to Join the IFC

In a surprising move last week, Sigma Delta Sorority has decided to attempt to disband from the Panhellenic Council and petition for membership in the Inter-fraternity Council. This marks the first time at Dartmouth that a Greek house of women has attempted to join the IFC, unless one includes the time that AZD blatantly usurped Beta’s physical plant and retained the Beta name over their front door. Sigma Delt president Annie Schultz ’10 explains, “We’re clearly frattier than most frats. We drink more beer and hook up with more chicks. The IFC has enforced limitations that are totally arbitrary, narrow-minded, and strictly sociobiological. Their criteria for what qualifies a house as a fraternity are way off-base.” These criteria currently include a penis and ballsack. However, many Dartmouth students agree that the character of “frattiness” is in itself much more complex.

Dartmouth Dining Services Unveils "Super Green Plan"

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. This was e-mailed to all parents by DDS. Bracketed commentary has been added by this author.

December 17, 2009

Dartmouth Dining Services (DDS) is pleased to announce that we have created a new, heavily discounted dining plan to add to the array of dining plans from which your son or daughter may choose [the previous choices included “More money than I want to spend at DDS” and “Even more money than I want to spend at DDS”].

Beginning this winter term, DDS will offer a new, “Super Green Plan” for a price of $1,920 [It’s only $18 away from being $1902. That would have been cool. Throw us a bone, DDS]. For this price, Super Green purchasers will get a total of $2,270 of Dining DBA - a $350 bonus [that’s the same as dues!] – plus a 10% discount on all dining purchases made at any DDS dining facility [this discount will lower the mark-up on DDS food from 190% to 171%].  Including the bonus DBA and the 10% all purchases discount, the Super Green Plan will provide up to $2,522 for food purchases – a 31% boost of buying-power [with an anticipated 45% increase of time spent on the toilet, meaning 45% more time that you can spend thinking about if anybody can recognize you by your shoes and therefore connect that horrible stench back to you].

AD ’10 Sinks Last Half, Gets Boner

In the middle of Alpha Delta’s “Fresh Kicks and Horny Chicks” party Friday night, Fred “Fred” Tilton, AD ’10, sank the last half and promptly mustered a formidable erection for all A-side to see.
The sweat-wearing Tilton proclaimed, “I’m so hard right now!” and grabbed his weak-side partner, Lindsay Forzi ’13, for a hearty embrace. The young ’13 thought “hard” was simply celebratory pong speak, but the victory hug proved to her that Tilton had indeed gained some yardage down low.
Forzi whispered to a friend on B-side, “I mean I am pumped we won. But this is kind of awkward now. I think we have to play another game.”
Tilton’s final sink capped off an incredible comeback from “five fulls down”, where he “repeatedly” saved their final half, because “he doesn’t lose to 13s.”

Football Team To Recruit Actual Moose

After a string of losing seasons has left the Dartmouth football team in shameful standing in the Ivy League, the administration has at last folded to pressure from the coaching staff to alter the team’s recruitment process for incoming college athletes. Although head coach Bucky Stevens had been campaigning for the introduction of athletic scholarships in order to entice players with football experience beyond flag football games at their family reunions, the administration repeatedly refused and has instead offered a compromise. For three years, the team has played under the banner of the “Dartmoose” mascot, and now it seems the team is making metaphor into reality and recruiting real moose for the team. Stevens was optimistic about the decision: “Y’know, I would rather just give real students an incentive to join the team. But moose are bigger and stronger than people, and they will literally s*** all over the other teams, so I think it could work out fantastically.”

Dick’s House Sees Increased Food Poisoning over Big Weekends; Administration Takes Action

Over the past few years, Dick’s House has been noticing an increase in food poisoning trends over big weekends, leading some administrators to suspect that something my be running afoul. The problem has been noticed not just by Dick’s House officials, but also by janitors around campus.
Over big weekends, Dick’s House notices many individuals—some of them brought in by Safety and Security—who are nauseous and sometimes unresponsive. Many of these students, even if they have already vomited earlier in the day, vomit while they are in Dick’s House. Janitors around campus see an increase in the amounts of vomit in trash cans and toilets, speculating that some individuals with food poisoning may choose to “tough it out” and not bring themselves in to Dick’s House.
Administrators speculate that the problem somehow stems back to Dartmouth Dining Services, and are starting a task force to keep food quality standards high, even over big weekends.

'13 "Knows Brothers"

On Webster Avenue at 10:23 PM Saturday, Derek Taylor ’13 alerted a group of five freshmen, “I got this. I know some brothers. We can definitely get on table. Let me just make a few calls.” Locals refer to this planning time as the “freshmen fifteen”.

Taylor stepped aside from the group, called his trip leader (no response), texted this “dude" his mom told him to meet (no response), and then called some friend from home (answered) to save face.

“Yeah man, yeah that’s sick, cool dude, alright I’ll talk to you soon.”

Taylor returned with a huge grin and announced, “Alright Sig Ep’s having a closed party right now. Brothers only. My boy’s real pissed and says he’ll hook us up next week. I just got a text from my man at the Gamma though and he said I’m doubles on Varsity. Who’s ready to sink cups?”

New Research Reveals Breakthrough Discovery that No Means No

In a groundbreaking Surveymonkey study to be published in the Dartmouth Journal of Science next week, graduate student Eleanor Darnell ’10 has discovered the elusive underlying meaning of the word “No” to, in fact, be “no.” This finding, based on intensive analysis of over 1600 responses to a campus-wide blitz including a link to her Surveymonkey survey, has rocked the campus community and is poised to have great impact on the scientific world at large. Student response to the discovery has been effusive yet varied. Several fraternities on campus intend to host a forum (co-sponsored by Mentors Against Violence) addressing the implications of the results of the survey, and claims of skewed results in addition to protests on the Green against this “egregious display of cockblocking” have already begun.

Sun God Yields to Public Disapproval and Ceases Action

After months of public disapproval and scorn, the Sun God, a.k.a. Jonathan James Recor MALS ’10, has finally yielded to logic and will cease his Master’s thesis, Theater-on-the-Walk, effective immediately.
“I woke up and it was like I had been living in a dream for the past three months. Maybe it was a nightmare? I don’t know. Anyways, I woke up and saw my [email] inbox full of messages telling me why I’m an asshole, columns and comics in the newspaper saying why I’m annoying, and disgusted looks whenever I walk around town. I now know that what I was doing is foolish, and I never should have done it,” said Recor.

Programming Board Almost Gets Akon for Winter Carnival

In a blitz late Friday night, Todd Tesker ’10, Chairman of Programming Board, announced to members, “This year’s Winter Carnival performer was very close, maybe one or two e-mails away from being Akon. But, it’s okay, my boy from high school, DJ Jizzy Jizz, is going to throw down for us instead. He won my high school talent show, crushed my little brother’s Bar Mitzvah, and just sent in his record to Kanye West’s label. Fucking Kanye West. Common Ground is going to be packed. Get souped.”

The announcement went ignored for 3-4 hours until Michelle Tang ’13, a first-year member, replied all, “I’m kind of excited and will definitely go if this brother I know can’t get me on table. That’s sick though that we almost got Akon.”

President Kim Falls Ill; Anonymous Tip Points to Kryptonite in Sphinx

While on a jog around campus on Friday afternoon, President Jim Yong Kim fainted while passing in front of Alumni Gym. When he was discovered lying on the ground, he was immediately rushed to Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, where he has been recovering since.
President Kim, who has been experiencing intermittent physical illnesses since he arrived in Hanover, hopes to come to some conclusion on the cause of his ailments with the help of doctors at DHMC. While he remains in the hospital, Interim Provost Carol Folt and Vice President Steve Kadish will assume the duties of President.
An anonymous tip, sent to Hanover Police, indicated that there is a large supply of Kryptonite being stored in the Sphinx tomb. Hanover Police is currently in the process of obtaining a warrant to search the premises, a move that the Sphinx is opposing.

Alumni Threaten to Sue Because of Late Snowfall: “It’s About Tradition”

President Jim Kim announced today in a campus-wide blitz that Dartmouth will soon face yet another lawsuit from its Association of Alumni. Many in the administration are still reeling from the lawsuit brought against the College in 2007 in response to Dartmouth’s change to its Constitution which eliminated the longstanding tradition of allowing the AoA to elect fifty percent of the Board of Trustees. This time around, the Association of Alumni is again pursuing legal action in order to defend the college they hold dear, taking a stand against the egregiously late snowfall this year in the name of tradition.

Male and Female Party Equally Satisfied in Sexual Encounter

After communication on the morning of Thursday, December 3, Justin Martin ’11 and Taylor Quincy ’11 realized that they were equally satisfied in their sexual encounter on Tuesday night before. This equality was not previously planned, but rather happened spontaneously and was met with mutual approval.
“We saw each other in [Sigma Phi Epsilon] around 9 o’clock,” said Martin. “We decided to play four games of pong and then head to [Kappa Delta Epsilon] after that.”
The couple’s skills in pong were slightly uneven, so Martin decided to “ease up” on the number of team saves that he went for so that Quincy could feel equal. An observer noted that they appeared to be hitting the same number of cups and that they were saving about the same number, as well. Quincy was carrying a Breathalyzer at the time of the games, and the couple distributed the beer that they drank between the two of them according to Blood Alcohol Content, so that “neither one of [them] would get disproportionately drunk.”

Theta Delt ‘11 Sent to Hospital with Diabetes

Richard Crosby ’11, a brother at Theta Delta Chi fraternity, was sent to the hospital early Wednesday morning with a newly diagnosed case of Type 2 Diabetes. Doctors at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center say that, while thorough diagnostics have not been run, the primary cause of the diabetes is mostly like “egregious sweetness.”
Administrators and Dick’s House officials are taking active measures to educate students about the dangers of egregious sweetness. While being on a varsity sport, especially lacrosse, or being affiliated with a Greek organization are preliminary signs of egregious sweetness, there are several other signs that should not be taken lightly.
Dr. Jack Turco, Director of Health Services, said that warning signs of egregious sweetness include: “addiction to ‘Skoal’ or other chewing tobaccos, quitting varsity sports, sexual intercourse with multiple partners, and a state of general apathy,” which can be described more specifically as “not caring.”

Student Picked Up By S & S, Claims “I Have Been So Much Drunker”

On Saturday morning at 3:14 A.M., Henry Williker IV ‘XII was found by Safety and Security officers facedown on the green in front of Baker tower. Upon questioning, Williker first mumbled his girlfriend’s and then his mother’s names while sucking his thumb, until he at last became somewhat coherent and told the officers he had been leaving the 1902 room after a particularly vigorous round of studying when he fell and tripped outside. The officers attempted to administer a breathalyzer test on Williker, but he repeatedly refused, saying, “I have whiskey-flavored breath. It’s genetic,” and emphatically and frequently reminding the officers “I know my rights.” Hanover police were called to the scene, at which point they found an empty bottle of Jack Daniels on his person. In response, Williker said, “I have been so much drunker than this. I know my rights.”

East Wheelock Now Only Accepting Applications from Virgins

In a landmark decision announced late last night, members of the incoming class of 2014 will only be allowed to apply to live in East Wheelock if their virginity is still intact. The decision comes after much long debate about how and where to establish ORL’s newly implemented policy to provide “virgin-only” housing to those in need of a safe space in which to not express their sexuality. Director of ORL Julie Andrews hailed the development, stating, “As each application season comes and goes the average SAT score jumps up by about 30 points, and we see more and more requests for virgin-only housing. We’ve also seen a growing demand for housing with convenient Segue parking, silent-only housing, trilingual-only housing—even Weird Al-only housing. I don’t even know what that is! But it’s important that these kids know which dorm cluster suits them.”

Safety and Security Cockblocks Aggressively at Party

In an incident at Bones Gate fraternity on Friday, a Safety and Security officer was seen aggressively cockblocking more than one soon-to-be couple.
“So there we were, minding our own business,” said Joe Richards ’12, one of the affected individuals. “We had played a couple games of pong together and then we went up to the first floor to dance, and then this [Safety and Security] guy comes in and starts talking about keg violations and fire code or whatever. I’m thinking, ‘Bro, how about thinking about the damage that you’re doing to my game right now?’”
The Safety and Security officer in question, Rod Farva, claimed he was “only doing his job,” but that he “would try to be more careful about cockblocking in the future.”

Morning-After Blitz Sets Freshman up for Second Round of Cougaring

Early in the afternoon of Thursday, December 3, Alec Walsh '13 sent a "morning-after blitz" to a new acquaintance of his that he had met the night before, opening up the opportunity for him to have a second encounter with the acquaintance, Shirley Targent '10, a self-described "cougaring amateur".
"I really wasn't sure if I should send the blitz," said Walsh. "I blitzed my Trip Leaders and asked them if they thought it was a good idea, and they said that I definitely should. They said it was 'standard procedure', whatever that means. I just felt weird sending her a blitz. I mean, I don't know what the expectations are for a senior girl."
Targent said that, while before the blitz, she had not entertained the possibility of "running it back," a morning-after blitz "showed serious maturity."

Old Man in Library May or May Not Be Famously Reclusive Author J.D. Salinger

According to reports by numerous students, an old man was spotted in Baker Library late Sunday afternoon who may or may not have been J.D. Salinger. One of the students discreetly snapped a picture using her iPhone, confirming the presence of an old man reading a newspaper in the Periodicals room.
“I’ve been a huge fan of Salinger’s books ever since I read Catcher in the Rye in 9th grade,” said Martha Cross ’11, a self-described “Salinger-aholic”.
This is the third time that she has seen a man who fit the description of J.D. Salinger—namely, white and very old—in the Periodicals room.

Mother of Bald Princeton Hockey Goalie Offended at “Hat Trick Chants”

Barbara Jones, 51, of Woodstock, VT, said she was offended to hear the crowd yelling “hat trick” at her bald son.
“It’s clear that these students were full of hate and were just looking for something to pick on,” she said to a Dunyun reporter after the game.
The chants began shortly after Hewett, her son, let in the third straight goal from Dartmouth wing Will Marshall. What started as a few catcalls here and there steadily turned into a rhythmic chant that, according to one Dartmouth fan, “definitely rattled him.”

Panhell to Revamp Women's Rush Based on Hair Shininess

The Panhellenic Council announced today that it will begin reworking the sorority rush process with results effective winter term 2010. After a record number of ’12 girls dropped out of the rush process this year when they were not invited back to the only house they were considering, according to Panhell president Hilary Banks ’10, they went to work immediately to try to find a way to make the process even more arbitrary. “At first we considered doing it alphabetically, but we decided that it was better to pick and choose girls in a way that was both arbitrary and personal. That’s when we decided on hair shininess. It isn’t technically racist or classist, but the way you look still matters. We were just like, ‘Bingo!’”